Last night I returned home from PAX AUS 2014. Long story short, it wasn't perfect, but it was quite possibly the best weekend I've had this year. It was a lot of fun. If you'd like to continue reading, the long story is just below.
Buckle up. This is gonna be...
How dare they say such things about this institution,
this bastion of gaming goodness known to us unworthy souls
as Game-Revolution? Nay, they are the whip bearing mongers
that Cornelius from Planet of the Apes warned us about.
They should be shunned in the worst Amish way. The
insignificant smelly kid that haunts our collective third
grade memories should flick viscous boogers at them. Mr.
Burns should taunt them from beneath their beds, chanting
"What's the matter? The Boo-ger man making pop references
again?" Their spaghetti sauce should be liberally seasoned
with constipated Goompas, and prepared by an unhygienic
relative of Mario who makes Seinfeld's Poppy seem like
Martha Stewart. That winner's insult reads like the putrid
opening scene of "Full Metal Jacket", performed by none
other then the Lucifer's Needy Teenage Inner City Youths
Auxiliary Actor's Guild of Catskill, NY...although,
Mike Tyson did make a cameo appearance as Private Snowball,
so all was not lost when I witnessed that unholy sight.
What is lost, is my respect for Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson, and
the rest of those whiney voiced, ear biting, beer writing,
amphibious "Ohh, I can't wait till I evolve lungs and grow
legs and my girly tail falls off" incestuous insipids that
call themselves readers of the greatest game magazine ever
*Game-Revolution ranks second only to Punjab Guhemari's
monthly periodical "Chess!" circa 4300 BC
Now there was a gaming mag!
Easy there Beavis.
Strike a cord, did he? Well,
let me be the first to inform you that you are absolutley correct. Punjab
Guhemari's monthly periodical "Chess!" was indeed a great
PGMPC was your
one stop gaming publication. What other gaminig mag contained a good
Saag Paneer recipe, detailed ads on how to buy a wife, prophecies of
a strange goomba abusing Italian savior and
chess tips from the pros, all on a nice edible papyrus?
Man, those guys were true
My Friend Poelpe
From: ?? (???@uswest.net)
Why don't GR ever have any gaming places like msn gaming
zone does? You know a place where poelpe can play Age of
Empires or something like that?
Hello Mystery Writer,
You tell Poelpe he can play
Age of Empires anywhere he wants. Nothing's stopping him.
P.S. What is this "MSN"?
Is that anything like "LSD"?
Sega Sega Sega.
My name is gerry.I've been visiting your site for quite some time
now..I think the site is well done..Good reviews and good gradings..
I was just wondering when the dreamcast is actually gonna go big..
When r they gonna be releasing the good games..I hate to see the
playstation rack jam packed with games.then you see the dreamcast
rack has only two shelves.And they have some kid games like that chu
chu rocket,channel 5,and all them boring games..id like to know when
there coming out with..the really good rpgs that the playstation
has..they are really underestimating the power of the DC..
Hey there Other Mystery Writer
True, Sega has yet to produce
a system-defining game. What the hell they're waiting on is beyond us.
It's been over a year now
and Sega fans are beginning to bite their nails in anxiety, fearfully
wondering if the Dreamcast is going to don the cloak of extinction and
go the way of the California grizzly, the dodo and, well, every other
PC ports are great, but when
the Xbox hits stores next year, I believe it's gonna slap the taste
of a PC port right out of Sega's mouth. Who would you trust with a better
PC port- Sega or Microsoft? Ugh, maybe "trust" is the wrong
Anyways, there you have it,
Sega. You've been given a one year ultimatum to get your crap together
and make some good, original titles. The Dreamcast could use a Metal
Gear Solid like no one's business.
Do this before gamers around
the world rally up in arms (flaming controller cord nooses in hand)
to form the biggest coup of geekdom this planet has known since they
ran out of Mountain Dew at the last Xena: Warrior Princess convention.
The clock is ticking!
P.S. NFL2K 2 doesn't
Fun, Sun and Games
From: Crusader (???firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: Uncultured fools
Hey guys --
Your insult contest really made me laugh. That was
great. I myself entered, and granted it sucked compared
to some of the longer ones there, but you guys really
never did anything to piss me off (excuses always make
me feel better about myself).
But what I do have a problem with was that guy who
insulted California. Now, I won't go into any deep
strain to insult this individual, but I would like to
say that the only people who diss Cali are those fools
who live deep in the Ozarks or in Iowa or something.
If Callifornia seceded from the union, the fact is they
would become the sixth wealthiest independent nation
on the planet. California is the only state in the
country other than New York to have any real culture.
And guess what? The greatest scientific minds in the
world, and many great artistic minds are in the
Golden State. As if that weren't enough, you can't
get better weather in the planet than say, in
San Diego (proud to say my hometown). So don't diss
California just because you're jealous of all the
weather, culture, beaches,
good times and gorgeous women.
That's right boyee,
you heard the man! California does rock!
However, Crusader's failed
to mention what gives every Californian true bragging rights...and it's
not the cheese or the, ahem, intellect.
It's the fact that we have
Sega and Sony's main headquarters right here in the Golden State. What
more could you ask for!
P.S. We should note that
the price for all this gaming power is the highest cost of living in
the entire nation. That's definitley nothing to brag about!
Generosity Bought The PS2!
From: "David McConnaughey" (???@penn.com)
hey for the playstation2 i well give you 48 dollars for it
You're so thoughtful! How
did you know I was short exactly 48 dollars? Thanks. Now I can buy my
Game Revolution has such
generous readers! I'll be sure to send you some screen shots of all
my new PS2 games. Thanks again.