GR Mailbag: The Mighty Return!

From: "sea cow" (???@hotmail.com)

Subject: insult contest

How dare they say such things about this institution, 
this bastion of gaming goodness known to us unworthy souls 
as Game-Revolution? Nay, they are the whip bearing mongers 
that Cornelius from Planet of the Apes warned us about. 
They should be shunned in the worst Amish way. The 
insignificant smelly kid that haunts our collective third 
grade memories should flick viscous boogers at them. Mr. 
Burns should taunt them from beneath their beds, chanting 
"What's the matter? The Boo-ger man making pop references 
again?" Their spaghetti sauce should be liberally seasoned 
with constipated Goompas, and prepared by an unhygienic 
relative of Mario who makes Seinfeld's Poppy seem like 
Martha Stewart. That winner's insult reads like the putrid 
opening scene of "Full Metal Jacket", performed by none 
other then the Lucifer's Needy Teenage Inner City Youths 
Auxiliary Actor's Guild of Catskill, NY...although, 
Mike Tyson did make a cameo appearance as Private Snowball, 
so all was not lost when I witnessed that unholy sight. 
What is lost, is my respect for Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson, and 
the rest of those whiney voiced, ear biting, beer writing, 
amphibious "Ohh, I can't wait till I evolve lungs and grow 
legs and my girly tail falls off" incestuous insipids that 
call themselves readers of the greatest game magazine ever 
created!*
*Game-Revolution ranks second only to Punjab Guhemari's 
monthly  periodical "Chess!" circa 4300 BC 
Now there was a gaming mag!

Strike a cord, did he? Well, let me be the first to inform you that you are absolutley correct. Punjab Guhemari's monthly periodical "Chess!" was indeed a great gaming mag.

PGMPC was your one stop gaming publication. What other gaminig mag contained a good Saag Paneer recipe, detailed ads on how to buy a wife, prophecies of a strange goomba abusing Italian savior and chess tips from the pros, all on a nice edible papyrus?

Man, those guys were true journalists.

-GR

From: ?? (???@uswest.net)

Subject: Reader

Why don't GR ever have any gaming places like msn gaming
zone does? You know a place where poelpe can play Age of
Empires or something like that?

You tell Poelpe he can play Age of Empires anywhere he wants. Nothing's stopping him.

-GR

P.S. What is this "MSN"? Is that anything like "LSD"?

From: (???@aol.com)

Subject: when?

 My name is gerry.I've been visiting your site for quite some time 
now..I think the site is well done..Good reviews and good gradings..
I was just wondering when the dreamcast is actually gonna go big..
When r they gonna be releasing the good games..I hate to see the 
playstation rack jam packed with games.then you see the dreamcast 
rack has only two shelves.And they have some kid games like that chu
chu rocket,channel 5,and all them boring games..id like to know when 
there coming out with..the really good rpgs that the playstation 
has..they are really underestimating the power of the DC..
thanks..
gerry,,,

True, Sega has yet to produce a system-defining game. What the hell they're waiting on is beyond us.

It's been over a year now and Sega fans are beginning to bite their nails in anxiety, fearfully wondering if the Dreamcast is going to don the cloak of extinction and go the way of the California grizzly, the dodo and, well, every other Sega rig.

PC ports are great, but when the Xbox hits stores next year, I believe it's gonna slap the taste of a PC port right out of Sega's mouth. Who would you trust with a better PC port- Sega or Microsoft? Ugh, maybe "trust" is the wrong word.

Anyways, there you have it, Sega. You've been given a one year ultimatum to get your crap together and make some good, original titles. The Dreamcast could use a Metal Gear Solid like no one's business.

Do this before gamers around the world rally up in arms (flaming controller cord nooses in hand) to form the biggest coup of geekdom this planet has known since they ran out of Mountain Dew at the last Xena: Warrior Princess convention.

The clock is ticking!

-GR

P.S. NFL2K 2 doesn't count.

From: Crusader (???95@hotmail.com)

Subject: Uncultured fools
Hey guys --
Your insult contest really made me laugh. That was 
great. I myself entered, and granted it sucked compared 
to some of the longer ones there, but you guys really 
never did anything to piss me off (excuses always make 
me feel better about myself).
But what I do have a problem with was that guy who 
insulted California. Now, I won't go into any deep 
strain to insult this individual, but I would like to 
say that the only people who diss Cali are those fools 
who live deep in the Ozarks or in Iowa or something. 
If Callifornia seceded from the union, the fact is they 
would become the sixth wealthiest independent nation 
on the planet. California is the only state in the 
country other than New York to have any real culture. 
And guess what? The greatest scientific minds in the 
world, and many great artistic minds are in the 
Golden State. As if that weren't enough, you can't 
get better weather in the planet than say, in 
San Diego (proud to say my hometown). So don't diss 
California just because you're jealous of all the 
weather, culture, beaches, 
good times and gorgeous women.
--Crusader

That's right boyee, you heard the man! California does rock!

However, Crusader's failed to mention what gives every Californian true bragging rights...and it's not the cheese or the, ahem, intellect.

It's the fact that we have Sega and Sony's main headquarters right here in the Golden State. What more could you ask for!

-GR

P.S. We should note that the price for all this gaming power is the highest cost of living in the entire nation. That's definitley nothing to brag about!

From: "David McConnaughey" (???@penn.com)

Subject: hi
hey for the playstation2 i well give you 48 dollars for it

You're so thoughtful! How did you know I was short exactly 48 dollars? Thanks. Now I can buy my Playstation 2.

Game Revolution has such generous readers! I'll be sure to send you some screen shots of all my new PS2 games. Thanks again.

-GR