GR Mailbag: The New Millenium Brings A Brand New Mailbag!
Posted on Monday, January 8 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
|Tall Dark & Hairy?|
From: Mohommad (***@yahoo.co.uk)
hello dear Sir/Madam
I am actually looking for some sexy Games and i was
wondering if you could send me some sexy games.
Excuse me for prying, but
I thought all prophets of Allah were to swear away...ahem...excessive
fornication. Oh well,
if you wish to invoke your god's wrath, we're happy to assist you.
Sexy games, is it? The year
2000 brought a deluge of sexy games.
How about all those sweaty,
half-naked fellas in the super sexy WWF games? Ooo so dee-lish!
And you can find even more
flesh in Ultimate
Fighting Championship. Plus you get to roll around on the ground.
Now that's enough to make a prophet of any faith drop his holy book.
And who can forget Hey
You Pikachu! Sexy, sexy, sexy.
See? More sexy games than
you can shake a Stella Cameron romance novel at.
|The Final Test!|
From: "Ryan Ganley" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: Hey... gimmie an "A" for effort!
Hi My names Ryan Ganley, wut be up!! I wood like to be a
Review DooD for Game-Revolution. Now you may be thinking...
"whats this guy smoking?" But trust me, I have 3 VERY GOOD
reasons for me to join you guys.... (1) I can Read (2) I can
Write (3) I can Type two words per minute!!!!!!!! Those 3
traits alone make me more qualified than 75% of the Trained
Pepsi Drinking Dorito Munching Hot Sauce Chugging Monkeys you
have working over there! Thanks for letting me join, and tell
me what hours I have to work... P.S. I am not available on
Tuesdays from 9:00 to 11:30 because thats when I have to
checkup on Johnny Liu's amputated left arm.
Very good, young Grasshopper,
your abilities are impressive. Yet there is one final obstacle that
we put before our potential scribes.
It's kind of like the last
stage of a Shaolin monk's martial arts training where 108 mechanical
wooden dummies attack the would-be master. Only his survival can mark
him as a graduated fighter/monk who kicks ass in the name of Buddah.
The difference is that our
final test consists of the GR editors quizzing our new wannabe writer
on 70's sitcom trivia, 108 questions in all.
What type of Afro Sheen was
used by Dwayne Wayne in the amazing sitcom: What's
Riddle me this, and perhaps
we'll consider you. And please learn some spelling and grammar.
|You Need To Ask?|
From: "chase" (***@aol.com)
What is Gr staffs worst games ever played.
And i mean video games.
Wow! Have we not done our
job? It's The Crow! Uhh...what
more do you need to know? The Crow!
We love video games. The
Crow! We love Brandon Lee. The
However, this game was hardly
the chocolate/peanut butter combination we were hoping for. Instead,
it was The Crow!
|Headless in Seattle...or Something|
From: "Duo Maxwell" (***@hotmail.com)
Subject: A challenge for Sal Magicpants
Heya there, bucko! I heard a lot about ya, and I think I wanna piece
of you! The God of Death is gonna beat the Magicpants off you, and
keep them for his own! Any time, any place, any game, you got it.
After I win your Magicpants, I think I'll hang 'em on my trophy
case, as my greatest victory. Or maybe I'll give 'em to the
Salvation Army and just take your head! I'll tell you what, if
you beat me, you get my Black Cap and Trenchcoat to go with your
Magicpants. Big if, boyo, but it could happen. Get back to me,
lemme know if you wanna go at it. Don't underestimate me, bub,
'cuz I know better than to do the same to you.
P.S.: Tell the folks at GR to keep up the good work, and I'll see
you on the battlefield. When I'm done with you, they're gonna have
to call you "Sal MyAssIsFreezing"!
Alright, Sal keeps getting
challenged, and frankly he grows weary of smashing heads all day long.
His trophy case is overflowing with skulls, and it's getting really
hard to dust.
But I suppose a challenge
is a challenge. Meet me behind the gym after school and I'll gladly
liberate your head from your neck. But first can you do my math homework?
P.S. Duo Maxwell?
Man, that's a excellent name. You're either a WWF Superstar or a failed
porn actor. No matter - Sal takes all heads.
|Things You Didn't Know (or want know) About GR.|
From: Aaron (***@yahoo.com)
Subject: Who do I trust?!?!??!?
It has come to my attention that the "Mailbag" feature
on your website has not been updated since December
18th. Have not enough people written typically
insipid questions for you to ridicule? If so, I
volunteer the following as potential fodder for your
future installments of "Mailbag."
1. Will the new X-Box have a port to which I can
connect my espresso machine?
2. Is there any truth to the rumor that Gathering of
Developers is making a sequel to Rune, in which Sal
Magicpants hacks and slashes his way through the 2000
elections in Florida?
3. u doodz r kwel. can i b as kwel as u?
4. Boxers or briefs?
5. What is the best game for my dog?
I hope that these questions may light the
creative fires beneath the Powers that Be, and leads
to another humorous version of "Mailbag." Thank you
Aaron L. Kroll
Our reasons for not updating
the mailbag for two weeks had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with
a lack of fodder. Trust us on that. It had much more to do with the
holidays and Half-Life: Counterstrike.
In answer to your aforementioned
1. Yes, if your espresso
machine is USB compliant. But you need the latest drivers.
2. Sal hate dangling chad.
Sal kill dangling chad!
3. OK. URGR8!
4. Neither. We prefer the
all too comfortable sock.
P.S. Now I feel really dirty.
Brian, pass the Lava 2000 when you're done please.
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