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GR Mailbag: The New Millenium Brings A Brand New Mailbag!

Posted on Monday, January 8 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
Tall Dark & Hairy?
From: Mohommad (***
Subject: hello
hello dear Sir/Madam 
I am actually looking for some sexy Games and i was
wondering if you could send me some sexy games.
Hey Mohammad,

Excuse me for prying, but I thought all prophets of Allah were to swear away...ahem...excessive fornication. Oh well, if you wish to invoke your god's wrath, we're happy to assist you.

Sexy games, is it? The year 2000 brought a deluge of sexy games.

How about all those sweaty, half-naked fellas in the super sexy WWF games? Ooo so dee-lish!

And you can find even more flesh in Ultimate Fighting Championship. Plus you get to roll around on the ground. Now that's enough to make a prophet of any faith drop his holy book.

And who can forget Hey You Pikachu! Sexy, sexy, sexy.

See? More sexy games than you can shake a Stella Cameron romance novel at.


The Final Test!
From: "Ryan Ganley" (***
Subject: Hey... gimmie an "A" for effort!
Hi My names Ryan Ganley, wut be up!! I wood like to be a 
Review DooD for Game-Revolution. Now you may be thinking... 
"whats this guy smoking?" But trust me, I have 3 VERY GOOD 
reasons for me to join you guys.... (1) I can Read (2) I can 
Write (3) I can Type two words per minute!!!!!!!! Those 3 
traits alone make me more qualified than 75% of the Trained 
Pepsi Drinking Dorito Munching Hot Sauce Chugging Monkeys you 
have working over there! Thanks for letting me join, and tell 
me what hours I have to work... P.S. I am not available on 
Tuesdays from 9:00 to 11:30 because thats when I have to 
checkup on Johnny Liu's amputated left arm.
-Ryan Ganley
Hi Ryan,

Very good, young Grasshopper, your abilities are impressive. Yet there is one final obstacle that we put before our potential scribes.

It's kind of like the last stage of a Shaolin monk's martial arts training where 108 mechanical wooden dummies attack the would-be master. Only his survival can mark him as a graduated fighter/monk who kicks ass in the name of Buddah.

The difference is that our final test consists of the GR editors quizzing our new wannabe writer on 70's sitcom trivia, 108 questions in all.

What type of Afro Sheen was used by Dwayne Wayne in the amazing sitcom: What's Happening?

Riddle me this, and perhaps we'll consider you. And please learn some spelling and grammar.


You Need To Ask?
From: "chase" (***
Subject: ???
What is Gr staffs worst games ever played. 
And i mean video games.
Dear Chase,

Wow! Have we not done our job? It's The Crow! Uhh...what more do you need to know? The Crow!

We love video games. The Crow! We love Brandon Lee. The Crow!

However, this game was hardly the chocolate/peanut butter combination we were hoping for. Instead, it was The Crow!


Headless in Seattle...or Something
From: "Duo Maxwell" (***
Subject: A challenge for Sal Magicpants
Heya there, bucko! I heard a lot about ya, and I think I wanna piece 
of you! The God of Death is gonna beat the Magicpants off you, and 
keep them for his own! Any time, any place, any game, you got it. 
After I win your Magicpants, I think I'll hang 'em on my trophy 
case, as my greatest victory. Or maybe I'll give 'em to the 
Salvation Army and just take your head! I'll tell you what, if 
you beat me, you get my Black Cap and Trenchcoat to go with your 
Magicpants. Big if, boyo, but it could happen. Get back to me, 
lemme know if you wanna go at it. Don't underestimate me, bub, 
'cuz I know better than to do the same to you.
P.S.: Tell the folks at GR to keep up the good work, and I'll see 
you on the battlefield. When I'm done with you, they're gonna have 
to call you "Sal MyAssIsFreezing"!
Dear Duo,

Alright, Sal keeps getting challenged, and frankly he grows weary of smashing heads all day long. His trophy case is overflowing with skulls, and it's getting really hard to dust.

But I suppose a challenge is a challenge. Meet me behind the gym after school and I'll gladly liberate your head from your neck. But first can you do my math homework?

- Sal

P.S. Duo Maxwell? Man, that's a excellent name. You're either a WWF Superstar or a failed porn actor. No matter - Sal takes all heads.

Things You Didn't Know (or want know) About GR.
From: Aaron (***
Subject: Who do I trust?!?!??!?
It has come to my attention that the "Mailbag" feature
on your website has not been updated since December
18th. Have not enough people written typically
insipid questions for you to ridicule? If so, I
volunteer the following as potential fodder for your
future installments of "Mailbag."
1. Will the new X-Box have a port to which I can
connect my espresso machine?
2. Is there any truth to the rumor that Gathering of
Developers is making a sequel to Rune, in which Sal
Magicpants hacks and slashes his way through the 2000
elections in Florida?
3. u doodz r kwel. can i b as kwel as u?
4. Boxers or briefs?
5. What is the best game for my dog?
I hope that these questions may light the
creative fires beneath the Powers that Be, and leads
to another humorous version of "Mailbag." Thank you
very much.
Aaron L. Kroll
Thanks Aaron,

Our reasons for not updating the mailbag for two weeks had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with a lack of fodder. Trust us on that. It had much more to do with the holidays and Half-Life: Counterstrike.

In answer to your aforementioned inquiries...

1. Yes, if your espresso machine is USB compliant. But you need the latest drivers.

2. Sal hate dangling chad. Sal kill dangling chad!

3. OK. URGR8!

4. Neither. We prefer the all too comfortable sock.

5. Daikatana.


P.S. Now I feel really dirty. Brian, pass the Lava 2000 when you're done please.

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