GR Mailbag: The Postman Cometh

From: "Ashton Whinery"
Subject: DUDE
yo can you please change my name on the mail bag to like 
john doe or something plz dont use my first and last name 
there are ways to find out where i live ya know.

Dearest Ashton,

We all already know where you live. We know your address, we know your home phone number, we know your favorite flavor Pop Tart and we know you religiously tape that Buffy: The Vampire Slayer TV show.

Now, remember to take Sundae (your adorable pet Chow) out for a walk before mom comes home from her work as a paralegal. And the next time that girl comes by - no, not that one, the one with the things - try brushing your hair. She (or should I say, Wendy) likes guys who are clean cut. Make us proud!

- GR

P.S. NO ONE CARES WHERE YOU LIVE BUT US, ASH.

From: "***@aol.com"

Subject: o good god... what god?

I have been perplexed aboot something for sometime now. 
Of all the religions of the world when you add them up you 
have a god for just aboot everything, except video games. 
Who is the almighty god of video games, because seriously 
folks, if there is one, i would like to know, because i would 
much rather spend an hour praying to this god than to go to 
church for an hour. Any info on this would be much obliged. 

Hi ***,

You speak of idolatry. Punishment for such a crime varies from faith to faith. But our favorite is to string the idolater up by his pinkie toes and stone him with Peanut M&Ms.

Lucky for you, we think idolatry is fine. Our gods are many and our loyalities fluctuate. Currently, we give virgins, lambs, and Army Men games to He Who Must Not Be Named Unless You Name Him A Cool Name. He seems like a just god, though we swear he cheats at Counter-Strike.

- GR

From: "****@aol.com" 
Subject: how much do u spend???
dear gr,how much money do u spend on games and new 
consoles every year? u guys must have a ****load of 
money or something.thanx gr

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Let's see. In a year, eh?

Cost of games ($0) + cost of hardware ($0) + gas money ($20) = approx. $20.

But don't hold us to that figure. Apparently Brian spent some cash on a new controller. We gotta look into that.

- GR

From: "***@aristotle.net"
Subject: none

Several months ago I was reading an article about a new 
type of bomb being built called the "E-Bomb". What it does 
is it sends out an electromagnetic field that disables some 
kinds of lights, T.V.s, batteries, computers, engines, and 
alot of other stuff, well I didn't pay much attention to 
one sentence at the time, but with the bombings and 
everything it popped back into my head and stuck there. The 
sentence was: "This new type of bomb is being developed at 
the PENTAGON." Pretty ironic isn't it?
Sincerely,
Colin

Hi Colin,

Are you sure you weren't dreaming about the previous night's Freespace 2 frag fest?

Besides, who needs an "e-bomb" when your country has the Crow: City of Angels. It can easily disables all kinds of lights, T.V.s, batteries, computers, engines and brainwaves.

- GR

From: "Adrien Baumann"
Subject: EAT COW!!!!!
I remember when I was 6 or 7 and I rented earthworm jim 2.
God was that game fun. I miss my SNES now because of that 
game. I wish they would make a good new earthworm jim game. 
unlike earthworm jim 64 which I think sucked really stinkin' 
bad. Have you heard about a new earthworm jim game or seen a 
preview at E3?

Hey Adrien,

Aside from making us feel older than dirt (can't believe you were 6 when EWJ 2 came out), you pose a very good question. We loved the first Earthworm Jim and were pleased to see him in celestial form as "Jim" in Interplay's RTS Sacrifice.

But unfortunately, we have not heard a peep regarding our favorite annelid's next stop. Will it be PS2, Xbox, Gamecube? We don't know. But next-gen Jim sounds like good eatin' to us.

Stay tuned for more info...

- GR