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Welcome Back to the West
By oneshotstop
Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...


GR Mailbag: Through Rain, Sleet and Typos

Posted on Thursday, March 16 @ 19:00:00 PST by Duke_Ferris
Adults For A Child-Free Internet

From: Tim Donovan <***@****.com>
Subject: Safe blogging for kids

Hi Joe,

I wanted to get in touch with you because we're a local East Bay Area company developing safe online products and destinations for children and we believe that many of the people that comprise your readership í¢â‚¬“ in particular parents - would be interested in what we're doing.

At Industrious Kid ( ) our focus is to address the very real issues and concerns that parents have surrounding children who now, more than ever before, are making their way online and going to places like í¯Â¿Â½- MySpace, Bebo, Xanga - í¯Â¿Â½where they fall prey to pedophiles, adult content, computer viruses í¯Â¿Â½/ sypware and so on.í¯Â¿Â½

Our goal at Industrious Kid is to make the Internet a fun but also a extremely safe place where kids can explore, create and develop with fear for their personal safety.

As such we are developing a new generation of quality products, services and destinations designed specifically for children (8-14) in order to ensure a greater level of creativity, excitement and personal security as it relates to each child's online user experience.í¯Â¿Â½


Our founder is Telecommunications icon Jeanette Symons who founded and then sold her first company Ascend Communications to Lucent Technologies for the unprecedented amount of $24 Billion.

I'm wondering if you or other members of your team would have an interest in speaking with Jeanette on the subject of children, social networking and online safety?

Please let me know.

Warm regards,

Tim D

Dear Tim,

This sounds very interesting. It also sounds very terrifying.

First off, the grammar:

"Our goal at Industrious Kid is to make the Internet a fun but also a extremely safe place where kids can explore, create and develop with fear for their personal safety."

While we too are attempting to instill fear in children, we don't think that's what you meant.

Second, the fact that an Internet billionaire founded the company speaks volumes about its motives, or at least speaks volumes about how little the company understands kids. Did she teach? Did she create educational software? Did she do anything other than make dumptrucks of cash in the high-tech sector? Now, if it was founded by Mr. Rogers, we'd be onboard. Scared, but onboard.

- GR

Gizmondo On The Lam

From: Faar <*********>
Subject: "Bizarro" article about Gizmondo...

I just read this ( ) article, with much merriment and amusement. It shed a lot of new and interesting light on this whole affair. That gizmondo was doomed to failure I knew already (any person with half a clue about the gaming world would understand that), but that it was so insiduously built to implode I did not.

I can't but help thinking this article and flow chart ought to be brought to the attention of some authority or other, I'm sure someone would be interested in reading it. Perhaps they're already aware of all this info, but who knows...

Anyway, thanks a lot guys, whomever wrote that thing sure deserves a raise. :-D Or failing that, at least a pat on the back.

-Lenny Valentin

Hey Lenny,

Thanks for the props. We didn't really do anything investigative so much as just organize other people's hard work into a single article and preposterous flowchart. So we'll be sure to forward your praise on to the LA Times et al.

As for the authorities finding this interesting, well, we have a hunch they're not exactly foaming at the mouth over this. It's not that the cops don't know that a convicted mafia boss wrecked his not street legal Ferrari going 165 mph while intoxicated, then lied about the circumstances.

It's that they don't comprehend it because he's a Swede.

If Stefan Eriksson had been named Esteban Juarez, for instance, their law enforcing instincts would have kicked in immediately, complete with karate-chop action, calls for back-up, and perhaps an entire Argentinian, coke-filled donkey planted in the back pocket of the perpetrator.

We can understand your confusion, though. In Sweden, white people probably go to jail all the time. That explains why Stefan Eriksson left your country and came to ours.

- GR

Don't Hate Us Because We're Beautiful

From: Arteom Akopyan <******>
Subject: tsk tsk tsk

Hello GR Staff

It seems that you guys have more or less been focusing on this new design of your website rather than getting some GR goodness out to your loyal fans who are fleeing to IGN. Stop with this new website crap, the old GR was fine. Any one of your readers can go to any other gaming website to read a review or get some information about whatever, and most of these websites are all flashy and havent becomes the US Armys whores, but yet we come to GR to enjoy the rantings of your writers. To end I would hope that you guys don't forget why all of us that visit GR, still continue to do so, it most certainly isn't the design.


Dear Arteom,

That is because our very good friends over at IGN have paid us to drive people to their site. Having already absorbed half of the internet, they've set their sights on the other half, so they can show you more Burger King ads. The other half, it turned out, was over here at Game Revolution.

You, on the other hand, have not paid us a dime. So unless you start forking over some dough, you can look forward to our ground breaking articles on How to Fold a Sweater and Making Your Own Mulch.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have some knitting to get back to.


Classic Mascot Porn

From: (No name) <******>
Subject: What exactly is Q-bert?

Hey GR,
I probably sound like an idiot, but you'll have to excuse me because I'm a relatively new gamer (I didn't get my first Playstation til summer 2001), but, what exactly is Q-bert? You mentioned about a guy playing it for nearly 2 days (holy crap!)

Dear Anonymous Verizon User,

You don't sound stupid, you just sound young, which makes us feel old, which, I guess, makes us think you're stupid. So scratch what we first said.

Anyway, Q-bert is a game starring an orange ball with legs, eyes, and a large, hose-like protrusion who hops around on squares while avoiding snakes to save his girlfriend, Q-dina. Given Q-dina's lack of a similar protrusion, we think it's safe to say Q-bert is the only video game character who goes into battle naked, erect and angry. Or at least one of two. Fear him.

- GR


From: (No name) <*****>
Subject: (no subject)

Man O Man,

I haven't emailed GR's mailbag in years.  I visit your site time to time to look for new stuff on the video game scene.  Your web site has gotten really sophisticated over the years.  The reviews take a little more reading and looking to decipher because the letter grade is smaller and I can't be sure if its the reader/fan reviews or the actual GR staff review. Other than that,,,,,I like the web site....GR seemed to have grown considerably. 

Now...the reason I really emailed: 

1.) Can GR do an investigation and article on the SONY PSP and find out what direction Sony is taking the PSP? (A update) I have a psp and its fantastic piece of hardware.  Graphics are great and it can do so much like MP3, Video, Movies, Web Surfing, and Picture storing.  I really wish Sony would expand on its peripherals like (keyboards, larger memory cards, TV tuner etc.).    

2.) I am the type that buys every gaming system that comes out but I have not even attempted to purchase the Xbox 360.  As a un-bias video game critic web site, I beg you to look at the Xbox 360 more objectively.  You can start by telling your audience how the graphics look on a regular TV compared to the HDTV or LCD monitors.  Therefore there should be two grades for each game.  A grade for regular TV and another for HDTV. 

3.) Is there any signs of innovations occurring in the gaming world?  These days if you played one video game, you played them all.  Its all FPS/adventure, FPS/action, 3D platform,  or SPORTS.  Where are all the great RPGs in these so called Next Generation Machines? It seems that the machines have gotten more powerful and smarter but the games got dumber.

Can you look into all three issues and get back with me? I know you guys reply to all emails but only post a few that are entertaining at the writer's expense.  I don't mind if you poke fun of my email. I find your web site replies funny and humorous.  Well at least back in the days it was. Thank You.  :=-)

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

What an assignment! Wait one second while we drop everything we were doing to fully address your questions and concerns!

*Exits World of Warcraft*

Much better! Now, allow us to set your mind at rest, or at least confuse it to the point of peace:

1) Judging by Sony's tireless commitment to turn the PSP into anything but a video game device, we suspect their expensive toy could see life in the future as a new brand of soap, a fancy high-tech insole or hott sex toy!

2) Just read each Xbox 360 review twice - once with your eyes open normally for HDTVs and then once while squinting for the regular TVs. Reviewing for black and white TVs will be a little trickier. Or, better yet, send us every kind of TV on the planet so we can start tailoring each review to every possible setup.

3) *Turns World of Warcraft back on*


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