GR Mailbag: Turning our inbox into a house of lies!

From: ******@aol.com

Subject: More Members in Gamers

I learn the games are great and you let in to review let us to review. I think your reviews are sorry and can't tell a good game for sorry one! You should the people dicide what games are tight. Plus, wanna know there a secret mission in GTA3 after you finish, uh Catilina's mission, savvy? And matter of fact I don't like went people don't reply back, savvy? And go ahead and see my Attachment.

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Your e-mail is interesting because it defies classification. It is, simply put, the ULTIMATE SPAM LOOK-ALIKE.

Subject: More Members in Gamers
From the outset, we thought your e-mail was sex spam. More members in gamers? How filthy! We agree, though.

Repeated Odd Word: Savvy
While the word savvy can be used as a verb, the only people who really use it like that are pirates. And we don't think you're a pirate.

And go ahead and see my Attachment.
Sure! Then, we'll go ahead and see Norton for instructions on how to manually remove the weird trojan we just unleashed on our poor, innocent hard drive.

So you can see how close we came to just tossing this right into the garbage. But when we slowly put it all together, it became clear that you were not, in fact, a spammer, but just a very confused reader...and we LOVE confused readers, because they give us perfect fodder for the mailbag. We salute you, savvy?

-GR

Dear Orjan Sollien Sollie..uh, whatever,

We wish we could tell you why game companies don't hire critics to give them feedback BEFORE they waste their time and money on a crap game, but alas, we have no answer. The best we can surmise is that the companies who tend to consistently release bad games don't like spending money, which is why the games suck, and which is why they wouldn't possibly considering hiring guys like us to make sure the games don't suck in the first place.

- GR

Dear Amy,

Boy, we sure do get a lot of these "who would win in a fight" questions. We've already told you that Federation ships kick ass, Bruce Lee is tougher than Evil Dead, and that Sonic can't hold a candle to the Smurfs. Can't you guys figure this stuff out on your own?

Clearly not, so we've once again put our brains to the test with this latest quandary, and after much deliberation and a few pints of very tasty amber ale, decided the winner of this geeky fictional fight would inevitably be...

Bruce Lee. Or possibly, the Harlem Globetrotters.

-GR

From: Janis Timma

Subject: MANHUNT

Hello, I got the MANHUNT, installed it on my pc, put on crack (and did
everything what is needed) but when I want to start playing it(when I put
on NEW GAME and choose my character) my screen gets in black colour and I
cant see anything.... For a second I can see something, but then it
slowly gets darker and darker until I cant see anything. Could you tell
me why is that so?? please answer, if you can.

Thanx.

Dear Janis,

You got the MANHUNT and put on crack, eh? Well, the fact that you pirated it might explain why it is the BROKEN, and why you cannot call the TECH SUPPORT, and why you are now bugging the GAME REVOLUTION. We cannot, however, offer you the HELP, except to advise that you start running from the LAW. Real the FAST!!

-GR

From: "Joe Tesauro"
Subject: Fan mail

Dear Game Revolution Editorial Staff,

I just wanted to take a minute to write you guys and tell you I'm a
huge fan of your site. Lord knows how many people write you and tell
you that they disagree with a review or an article or whatever, and
after reading the mail bag articles you've posted in the past I know
those readers can be pretty vocal, so I thought fans such as myself
should start being more vocal too.

I am a HUGE fan of the reviews your site puts out, and never do I buy a
game before reading your review on the game, and as a result I've been
saved from making a huge mistake on more then one ocasion. Any game you
guys give an A or a B+ to is practically a must have, (Cept for Tiger
Woods, but I'm admittedly not a Golf fan in the slightest), and on pure
entertainment value alone theyre worth taking an extra five minutes on
my lunch break for. Honest and unmerciful, while some people may find
it offensive to see in reviews, I applaud it.

Just wanted to say keep up the great work and all that.

Joe Tesauro
Performance Electronics

Dear Joe,

Thanks for the kind words. People like you give us a reason to continue doing what we do.

Well, people like you and methamphetamines.

-GR