Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...
We received quite a few entries
in response to last week's impromptu essay
contest. While many of you certainly wowed us with your grammatical
magic and brown-nosing wizardy, we had to select only one winner.
And clearly, that winner
Some of you might recognize
the name. As a frequent "contributor" to the mailbag, Hirohito
really took the essay contest to heart, sending in 4 - count
'em - 4, essays for our (and your) reading enjoyment.
So with no further ado, we
Essay #1 - GR Giant Robots
Subject: My essay
Game revolution is like so cool because you guys are like
GIANT ROBOTS like Voltron and you guys defeat evil and then
review games in your spare time which is like the coolest
things for you guys to do because you saved the world when
you defeated that GIANT SPACE LIZARD with your big assed
sword by chopping him in half then you told me not to buy
the Spice Girls game which really saved my butt because if
I would have bought the Spice Girls game instead of Driver
I bet I would have been so bummed I would have jumped out
in front of a bus or something and that would have been
lame so its like you guys saved the world one day and then
saved my life the next.
PS: Could you guys come to a school here where I live and
tell kids not to do drugs. Most of the kids moms around here
are crack ho's and GIANT ROBOTS telling kids not to do drugs
would be like the best thing ever.
Essay #2 - He's Probably Drunk
Its like almost midnight here and I am reading your web page.
Does that make me cool? Am I cooler than Richard Pryor?
I would like to be. I bet Richard Pryor can play The Sims and not
have any Sim wet themselves. He's so cool. You guys are too.
Tell my wife I love her and don't write anymore reviews
about racing games. It's lame and you guys are not lame.
Essay #3 - Am I a clown? Do I amuse you? How am I funny?
Why I like Game Revolution
I like game revolution because of the funny pictures in
the game reviews. Sometimes I like to just look at the
pictures of the authors and laugh. I even laugh myself
to sleep at night thinking about these funny pictures.
Game Revolution is the coolest site on the web because
they have funny pictures at the top of their pages. I
like Game Revolution very much. I wish they would come
over and give me a cheat for Madden 2K that would make
Bret Fabre self destruct at halftime. Even if they didn't
I would buy them all a beer I like them so much.
Essay #4 - Word to our mothers.
Game revolution be phat! I don't fork over mah benjamins
fo no game without looking at GR first know what I sayin?
They reviews be so dope! They tell you all thems fresh
funky things about they games I be crazy with wantin to
play em. GR got reviewin skillz man. They tell me "go out
and buy silent hill" and I'm all ova dat know what I'm
sayin? Ain't no playaz workin' fo GR man. Fools be keeping
it real! They hire me I be like all up in dat shit reviewin
games. I keep it hard and don't take smack from no Busta's
know what I'm sayin? Someone be down wit what I'm sayin,
dat all good... but I tell you if they try to flex on me
I be pimpin it back at stone cold know what I'm sayin?
Lemme send a shout out to Hienrich, my fly homie keepin'
it real down at ITC in the IT dept an mah number one lady
Dana who be all ova my jimmy she love me so much. Peace Out!
Hirohito just won a few games. Plus a free trip* anywhere in
the known universe!
costs associated with aforementioned "free trip" will be paid
by the winner, Hirohito99. This includes, but is not limited to: airfare,
room, lodging, other travel expenses (car rental, gas, bus and cab fare),
all food expenses (breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, and snacks), all
shopping expenses, hookers, booze, heavy drugs, light drugs, bail money,
court fees, and all other expenses deemed legitimate by Game Revolution.