GR Mailbag: We'd Prefer Spam
Posted on Friday, March 23 @ 19:00:00 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
|Make like a coyote...|
Good grief, Walter!
No wonder you're stuck - You're on Bear Trap Farm Road!
Even bears get stuck there. To get unstuck, and stay that way, you're really going to have to move. You'll probably just have to leave that "severed hand" behind in the trap.
May we recommend you try Easy Street or Victory Blvd? And this corner is pretty sexy, or you could even move to a street near us.
You really should have seen this coming though, just like those knuckleheads on Flood Street.
|News Gone Wild|
From: Mark M. Berkowitz (MBerkowitz@******.com)
Subject: website virus?
Is your website infected or something? The gaming news (my favorite section) is missing letters on most of the new links you guys are posting. They don’t seem to open right either. I’m pretty sure its not my computer since I am on a network at work and it is almost impossiblw
<htmhell>Yes, but the doctor says it <span= "no_class"> should clear up with some ointment and clean living </fired>.
In other wor<pcp>ds, get used to it </yum!>
|Who would Jesus spam?|
From: Randy Ross (*****@teens-4-christ.org)
Subject: ABUSE / game-reveloution.com
The link below points to a page on the forums at Game Revelation. This particular page points to a plan to invade and spam several forums including ours (Teens-4-Christ).
After several communications with the FBI Charlotte, NC office, I have learned that this behavior is a violation of Federal Law. I am sure that, since you do not want to be the target of FBI Action on my behalf, you will take the appropriate action as soon as possible.
May you be blessed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Your email was most distressing to us. We at Game Revelation are shocked and alarmed that our readers would ever go to a site such as yours - full of the lies of a false religion. They have surely been influenced by the evil Antipasto.
While we cannot control the actions of our forum users, and in fact, have never met them and don't even know who they are... Rest assured that we would discourage any young person from accessing your site for any reason, lest they be contaminated.
May the true deity of pasta touch your heart with His noodly appendage, so that you may see the light of truth.
From: Bobby Brankiewicz (*****@gmail.com)
Subject: On your VF5 review
can i get your address because its the best game ever and i want to crimson spear tackle you into a takedown and intruder step. bitch. nice review, if YOU'RE GAY. GOOD THIGN I DIDNT TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT
Wow, nicely done! And just like a real professional wrestler, it's part threat, part insult, and part homosexual come on (I don't want to be taken down by a crimson spear or intruded upon afterwards). Too bad you didn't read the review, I think you would have liked it.
|Where are they now?|
From: Ivan Lucic (*****@yahoo.com)
Subject: freakin bout time
Yeah my dearest of internet review sites, im a wuss I must admit. I've been reading your creations since 1998, and it took me this long to fuckin commend you for the good memories you've given me. I'ts only two sites whose reviews I got archived on my hard drive. Avault and you guys. ANyways enough boot lickin, i just wanna thank you dudes for being out there on the edge of truth about games, grading them as if i myself would, bashing the mainstream and corporate bullcrap, and mostly for surviving next to leeches like gamespy, gamespot and other clones. I had to say this once, its a rainy day so I just did it finnaly. Just please answer this curious question, is anyone from those days still in the staff?
Greetings comrade Ivan!
Thanks for the compliments, our boots have never looked shinier. Yes, yes, we're all about living on the edge with leeches, it's really the only affordable way to live in the Bay Area. That's probably why some of the brave young hooligans who were here yesteryear have since gone; there are other edges and leeches to be lived among for a lot less money.
To answer your question, Duke Ferris, Joe Dodson, a couple monkeys, a half-eaten pizza, and a whole family of zombie robots still remain. Neither Joe nor the pizza were here at the beginning; both arrived in early two thousand and have been inseparable since. According to Joe, "It's nice knowing I can have pizza whenever I want, even if it's inedible." Don't judge him, leeches and edges breed strange customs.
Like Ben Silverman's newfound love of dance. After leaving his post as the Editor in Chief of Game Revolution, Ben grew a moustache, a faux-hawk, changed his name to Felix Bangs and joined the Stallion Magic show as a breakdancer. Though the 'stache, hawk and name all argue otherwise, Mr. Bangs assures us it is not a gay review, but rather a comical troop of magical misfits. Considering he shares the stage with a nine-year old rapper named Colt, we hope he's telling the truth.
Speaking of switching teams, former editor Colin Ferris now literally pitches for Konami; the last game he marketed was Winning Eleven 2007.
After leaving the company circa 2002, Brian Gee and Shawn Sanders started a line of zombie cosmetics called Cryptique that would have allowed the undead to walk among us without drawing so much attention. Unfortunately, they were busted for testing their products on undead rats by the unhumane society. They have since been unheard from.
Unlike Johnny Liu who, after allowing himself to be tested upon for a top secret brain-wave control device, now wanders the Bay Area moaning "Brrrrrraaains.......C+...Brrrrrraaains.......C+"
There were many others, but for all I know, they may still be here, trapped under a pile of fallen video games.
Thanks for writing in,