RIP Ralph Baer
I really, really hate writing obits. I really do. But I take it as a personal honor to be able to say good things about the men and women I respect, whether in this industry or just in my life, and Ralph Baer is the reason all of this exists in the first...
Subject: (no subject)
can you play games, and if so, how? what do you do?
Playing games is actually
very easy, anyone can do it. Just follow these simple instructions:
1. Fill kettle with clean
2. Grasp plug firmly, making sure it is not wet, and insert in electric
3. Wait for water to boil. Kettle will whistle when water is ready.
CAUTION: Whistle will
expel hot steam. Do not place hands or face in front of whistle.
Oh wait! Those are the instructions
for my electric teakettle. I guess this gaming stuff is harder than
I thought. Let me get back to you.
From: "Bill Stilwell" ********@globalserve.net
Subject: I have had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Listen hear all you sociopathic morons if i hear one more
snide comment about canada i'll... i'll... well maybe i wont
do anything but you can bet your new ps2 that i'll be really
angry. So please lay off the Canada jokes and start makeing
fun of the U.K. or something.
(p.s. sorry aboot the sociopathic morons bit.)
We certainly did get a lot
of Canadian comments about last week's
mailbag, and our upcoming game, "Jebus Christ, Hockey Star."
Basically, this thread all
started even further back than that
when the mighty lumberjacks and cute little Eskimos that populate Canada
discovered that they cannot get SegaNet in their igloos. Some Canadians
even put down their maple syrup long enough to write us and point out
that we never answered the original question! They still want
to know when SegaNet will arrive in Canada.
Unfortunately, the overweight,
loud, boorish, poorly educated, no-health-care, gun waving, egocentric
Americans who work at Sega do not have an answer yet.
However, because we care
about Canada, here is this
letter again in bad French.
P.S. The Brits are a bunch
of tea-drinking pansies.
Do What I Say, And Nobody Gets Hurt.
I would like to get a free game and no tricks
Ok! Ok! We give up! Just
don't do anything rash.
If we can all stay calm,
I'm sure we can negotiate without you hurting any of your hostages...
whoever or whatever they might be. After all, we did manage to successfully
deal with David Koresh.
Just go to the phone both
at the corner of 6th and Cedar to get your game. Wait for the phone
to ring. Be patient. Really patient.
Right On The Money
From: "Phil Simko" *****@hotmail.com
Subject: sorry, gotta rant
i may be just a high school student, and not a particularly
intelligent one at that, but. . .what in the hell is wrong
with the people who write to your mail bag? the vast majority
of the letters you receive are incomprehensible nonsensical
drivel that have absolutely no point other than to have
people make utter fools of themselves. i quote: "i am a retard
and i am over weight by about 10 stone i am only 15." i'm
sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense. anyway, keep up the
good work, and excuse my vehement distaste for your readers -
they're not all complete morons.
You're absolutely right.
Everyone who writes to our mailbag is obviously a raving lunatic.
From: "dudeman" *******@hotmail.com
hey, uuhhhh... hello.
ummm... i wanna say hi.
i have no clue why i'm doing this.
i guess i just wanta get on dukkis's
good side and... umm... Ben, Shawn,
uhh, you guys... are very gentelmen-likish,
and very nice kinderlech. You better watch
out, cause mench's like are dangerous in
todays world. Pretty-boys can't make it 2day.
yeah, thats right. Don't forget to add lotsa sugar
to the gifilter-fish! Ben, be a good mench for Abba
and Imma!! Torah Mistzvah's always lead the right way...
arglharlgharg... someone pass me the gleueuuueee...
*DuDeMaN falls over his computer and flips upside down 15
1/2 times smashing his head on the keyboard and breaking
the board that hold up the keyboard and the plugs yanked
out from the violent shaking of the desk, blowing up the
speakers, burning his mother-board, spraypainting GR on
his wall, the bus-pole, the Nasdaq building and causing
the Net-Revolution stock to go down to -87 on tuesday 17
of year 2000 in the new millenium of life...
what? aduno, ok... whatever. whats goin on?
Welcome to the Mailbag! Have you read Phil's letter directly above this
one? Don't worry, a
case of Ritalin
is on the way. Just remember not to violate the judge's restraining