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Peace in the Era of Call of Duty
By danielrbischoff
Posted on 04/15/14
In a world dominated by violent media, Americans are no more eager to go to war than they were in the 1980s or the 1960s or the 1940s. Hasn't it always been someone else's problem? The overwhelming majority would rather go on thinking it had nothing to do with them and there...

DAILY MANIFESTO

GR Mailbag: Why Waste Money On Stamps?

Posted on Monday, October 23 @ 12:13:14 Eastern by Duke_Ferris
Insert Tab A In Slot B
From: Trent
Subject: (no subject)
can you play games, and if so, how? what do you do?
Hey Trent,

Playing games is actually very easy, anyone can do it. Just follow these simple instructions:

1. Fill kettle with clean water.
2. Grasp plug firmly, making sure it is not wet, and insert in electric outlet.
3. Wait for water to boil. Kettle will whistle when water is ready.

CAUTION: Whistle will expel hot steam. Do not place hands or face in front of whistle.

Oh wait! Those are the instructions for my electric teakettle. I guess this gaming stuff is harder than I thought. Let me get back to you.

-GR

Oh, Canada!
From: "Bill Stilwell" ********@globalserve.net
Subject: I have had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Listen hear all you sociopathic morons if i hear one more 
snide comment about canada i'll... i'll... well maybe i wont 
do anything but you can bet your new ps2 that i'll be really 
angry. So please lay off the Canada jokes and start makeing 
fun of the U.K. or something.
Thanx.
(p.s. sorry aboot the sociopathic morons bit.)
Dear Bill,

We certainly did get a lot of Canadian comments about last week's mailbag, and our upcoming game, "Jebus Christ, Hockey Star."

Basically, this thread all started even further back than that when the mighty lumberjacks and cute little Eskimos that populate Canada discovered that they cannot get SegaNet in their igloos. Some Canadians even put down their maple syrup long enough to write us and point out that we never answered the original question! They still want to know when SegaNet will arrive in Canada.

Unfortunately, the overweight, loud, boorish, poorly educated, no-health-care, gun waving, egocentric Americans who work at Sega do not have an answer yet.

However, because we care about Canada, here is this letter again in bad French.

-GR

P.S. The Brits are a bunch of tea-drinking pansies.

Do What I Say, And Nobody Gets Hurt.
From: ***********.com 
Subject: freegame
I would like to get a free game and no tricks
Ok! Ok! We give up! Just don't do anything rash.

If we can all stay calm, I'm sure we can negotiate without you hurting any of your hostages... whoever or whatever they might be. After all, we did manage to successfully deal with David Koresh.

Just go to the phone both at the corner of 6th and Cedar to get your game. Wait for the phone to ring. Be patient. Really patient.

-GR

Right On The Money
From: "Phil Simko" *****@hotmail.com
Subject: sorry, gotta rant
i may be just a high school student, and not a particularly 
intelligent one at that, but. . .what in the hell is wrong 
with the people who write to your mail bag? the vast majority 
of the letters you receive are incomprehensible nonsensical 
drivel that have absolutely no point other than to have 
people make utter fools of themselves. i quote: "i am a retard 
and i am over weight by about 10 stone i am only 15." i'm 
sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense. anyway, keep up the 
good work, and excuse my vehement distaste for your readers - 
they're not all complete morons.
Hey Phil,

You're absolutely right. Everyone who writes to our mailbag is obviously a raving lunatic.

-GR

Oy, Gevalt.
From: "dudeman" *******@hotmail.com
Subject: um...
hey, uuhhhh... hello.
ummm... i wanna say hi.
i have no clue why i'm doing this.
i guess i just wanta get on dukkis's
good side and... umm... Ben, Shawn,
uhh, you guys... are very gentelmen-likish,
and very nice kinderlech. You better watch
out, cause mench's like are dangerous in
todays world. Pretty-boys can't make it 2day.
yeah, thats right. Don't forget to add lotsa sugar
to the gifilter-fish! Ben, be a good mench for Abba
and Imma!! Torah Mistzvah's always lead the right way...
arglharlgharg... someone pass me the gleueuuueee...
*DuDeMaN falls over his computer and flips upside down 15
1/2 times smashing his head on the keyboard and breaking
the board that hold up the keyboard and the plugs yanked
out from the violent shaking of the desk, blowing up the
speakers, burning his mother-board, spraypainting GR on
his wall, the bus-pole, the Nasdaq building and causing
the Net-Revolution stock to go down to -87 on tuesday 17
of year 2000 in the new millenium of life...
what? aduno, ok... whatever. whats goin on?
Hi Dudeman,

Welcome to the Mailbag! Have you read Phil's letter directly above this one? Don't worry, a case of Ritalin is on the way. Just remember not to violate the judge's restraining order.

-GR

Tags:   gr mailbag


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