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Welcome Back to the West
By oneshotstop
Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...


GR Mailbag: Words To Read By

Posted on Wednesday, June 22 @ 12:13:14 PST by Duke_Ferris
Boxes 'R' Us
From: Jim Rebholz
Subject: Box Quotes?

This is going to seem a bizarre question, but I was reading your mailbag and you guys mentioned in a response that some other publications like to pad reviews so they can get ad revenue and box quotes. So just out of curiosity, how many boxes have you guys been quoted on? I think I remember one (The Longest Journey, a truly awesome adventure game and one I bought on your recommendation) but have there been any others?

Dear Jim,

We've managed to get some nice, fancy quotes on a few cool games over the years, The Longest Journey being one and Sid Meier's Civilization III being another. But since we're a little more obscure than the big boys, you really have to dig deep to find our other box quotes.

This one, for example, is on a game we're sure you've never heard of since it was banned in every single country in the world, even Japan, and they don't ban anything. We're also a little irked about the liberty they took with our quote, which originally read,

"An insanely bad game. The violence and misery contained herein is equal only to gouging your eyes out with power-drills. Is this the worst game we've ever played? In a word, yes!"

But we forgot all about bitches and rabies when we saw that we made the front of this, uh, unique title. Guess they agreed.

As advocates of love - or at least explicit sex - we were profoundly honored to be featured on the cover of this instant classic and daring adaptation of one of our favorite films. Bravo!

While most of our boxes run a little on the unusual side, we do occasionally set our sights on looming blockbusters such as the upcoming Gears of War. We may not have played it, but we know games, and since Gears of War is one of those, we'll feel qualified to tell you exactly how it will be as soon as the check from Microsoft clears.


Tag, You're It!
From: ******
Subject: those cool review titles

I've been reading GR forever, and theres something I've always wondered, how do you guys always come up with those snazzy titles? I caught a glimpse of the resident evil outbreak file 2 review, with "yawn of the dead" at the heading, it think it warranted a decent chuckle. So how do you guys do it?


Dear Alex,

Thanks for the compliment. We often wonder if anyone gives a hoot about those tag lines, and it's awesome to find out that indeed, ONE person does! That makes it all almost worth it.

Crafting tag lines is tricky business, as you have to sum up the review or feature's vibe in a few words and somehow make that digestible and funny. And you can't keep saying the same thing, or we'd use "Set Your Phasers On Fun!" for every half-decent Star Trek game.

Let's take your Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2 example. Do you go

a.) Obvious? - "Undead On Arrival"
b.) Classic? - "Death Be Not Proud"
c.) Obscure? - "It's Evil! Don't Touch It!"
d.) Easy? - "Dead Again"

The Obvious choice is pretty good, but we never like to go with our first idea. Besides, Resident Evil games are like zombies - they never stop coming, so we'll save a.) as extra ammo.

A Classic choice like b.) plays well with the older crowd, the literate set, but since only about 10% of our readers actually read, it might go over their heads.

The same theory applies to Obscure choices, which are usually our favorites. However, we know most of you won't get any references that don't involve Power Rangers or Yu-Gi-Oh! so these are usually a no-go.

And d.) - the Easy choice - is never an option, because it's either Obvious or Stupid. However, an Easy choice (Dead Again) can be quickly turned into a Decent choice with a little punctuation (Dead...Again?).

Ultimately, we settled for "Yawn Of The Dead" because it simply ruled. All that multiple choice nonsense is a waste of time, anyway.

- GR

The Simple Life
From: *****
Subject: cheat

I am desperetly looking for a cheat to get more money on JOHN DEER AMERICAN FARMER. Any info would be GREATLY appreciated. The only cheats I can find are in German.

Dear Unfortunate AOL Subscriber,

Funny you should write, because we are desperately looking for an explanation as to why anyone would want to play John Deer American Farmer. Do you live on a farm and play a farming video game? That's too much farming, dude. Do you live in a city and long to look after livestock? Because this is no way to experience the joy of driving a tractor in the blazing sun.

We're stumped. But when you get bored enough, we know of another game that sounds like it's about as much fun as virtual farming.

- GR

Viva La Luxembourg?

From: "Patrique Lemorce" <*******>
Subject: pourkoi?

Why you do not like belgique???
it GREAT Country! GOOD Chocolate!

Dear Patrique,

When will you people get it through your thick, waffley skulls that you are destined to be dominated by Game Revolution? Provided, that is, your delicious little country STILL ACTUALLY EXISTS.

- Le GR

When I Grow Up...
From: Dalton nickles
Subject: Ello, I think I'd be a good Reviewer

Hello Game-Revolution, I think I would be a good Reviewer for Xbox/Ps2/PSP/PC Game's. I play a crapload of game's and I play them throughly + im 14! (Dont worry I play M Rated game's as well) so I think I could work as a reviewer maybe. Contact me back at this email adress ********

I hope you consider this, Thanks

Dear Dalton,

With more school and fewer apostrophes, you may someday be reviewer material. Tough to say, although your random capitalization and imaginary words (throughly) don't bode well.

But why wait to work? We can think of several professions you could get started on right now, like:

  • Erotic Nature Photographer
  • Park Bench Wiper
  • Toilet Paper Collector
  • Hypnotist
  • Writer For CNN
  • Truck Driver


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