If Yoshi Were Real...
Posted on Thursday, June 26 @ 18:00:00 Eastern by Nicholas Tan
I love Yoshi as a cuddly character (especially in the upcoming Yoshi's Woolly World) and I always choose him for Super Mario Kart, but he would be absolutely terrifying if he were real. Now, this isn't a new what-if scenario to wonder about, but the answer usually stops at the thought that a real-life Yoshi would be like a velociraptor (and not the fun philosophizing kind) with teeth who could rip the arms off Mario and Luigi and leave their mangled corpses beneath the berry tree.
The only thing cute about this anthropomorphic nightmare would be its red saddle, but good luck trying to ride him. I wouldn't suggest leaving Baby Mario or any kind of baby near a dinosaur.
It's not only the teeth, though. Along with his voracious appetite, Yoshi would be an unstoppable beast. His floating ability is one of the best in Super Smash Bros. and he could reach heights that most predators can't, all while scissor-kicking his enemies with a multi-hit concussion. And then if he's above your head, he could just ground pound your face into the dirt.
Yoshi also has an incredible reach with his tongue which is flexible enough to wrap around any small object, or a human for that matter. His stomach has a ridiculous capacity and his mouth can swallow items and animals that would seem to large to fit in its mouth or esophagus. With the right shell in its mouth, it can fly, throw fire, and spit fruit juice into your eyes. The jerk.
That said, Yoshi's physical abilities aren't the most dangerous weapon he has. Even if he doesn't have sharp teeth, a long tongue, and nigh-weightless jump ability, and remains his cute self (whatever color he is), HE THROWS HIS OFFSPRING AT PEOPLE. I usually hate all-caps in articles, but come on, his ability to procreate is so insane that he can drop a green-spotted egg and just loft his hatchling at his foes without another thought. Regardless of how you feel about abortions... gross.
Then of course he can copy himself far too easily. After only eating several berries, he can make a baby and then after force feeding the baby a few more berries, it grows into a full adult. If Yoshis were real, they would be the only darn animal left on the planet because they would eat all of the food, especially all of the Cookies. (How dare he!)
Piles of eggshells would be all that remains. That and whatever's left of life on the planet.
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