Posted on Monday, October 2 @ 15:45:23 PST by Joe_DodsonIt's Monday and the Gangs of London review I didn't write is due, so let's pick console war winners! But before I blow your mind with predictions that would make Nostradamus say "No F-ing way!," you should know that these are all one hundred percent right. I sacrificed three cups of coffee, two Mountain Dews, and a pack of Skittles to achieve these visions, and I am bursting with certainty. Or at least early onset diabetes.
In any case, I'm taking a lot of shots here, and hoping to hit the mainline with all of them. Get ready for an overdose of truth.
First up, the Wii will sell like hot cakes in blue states, as overprotective mothers scramble to get their hands on a Christmas present that won't turn their babies into futuristic serial killers. This new generation of wiirdos and wiimps will be bullied like no other group of young people before, taking the normal amount of abuse from jocks, preps and delinquents, in addition to awkward wedgies and ineffective Indian burns from other gamers. Filled with rage and envy, they'll attempt to bring real-life violence down on their hecklers only to be foiled by their firearms' safety catches. Unfortunately, you won't hear about any of this, because on that same day Terrell Owens will oversleep, leading to widespread media coverage of his untimely demise.
Red state denizens, on the other side of the vast political divide, will avoid the Wii like the Bravo channel, eschewing its small size, cute name and kiddy games as "too gay". Then they'll go back to watching pro wrestling DVDs on their insanely over-priced PS3s while filing the safeties off their childrens' handguns.
The Xbox 360, with its large library of good games and relatively reasonable price tag will be the smart choice this holiday season, which is why virtually no one in America will buy it. And while Microsoft looks forward, with frat-boy-like enthusiasm, to "great penetration in Europe", their system will be no match for the metrosexual Wii (or should we say Oii?).
Then again, with David Hasselhoff as my witness, nothing important ever happens in Europe. Something important will happen, though, when Microsoft offers the original Lineage through Xbox Live! Arcade, and the entire nation of South Korea buys Xbox 360s. As credit agencies repossess PS3s and Wiis are banned for being too nonviolent, Microsoft will end the war by finally releasing its killer app, a ten dollar version of Go Fish.
All this will happen by 2007, so when we're playing Go Fish online remember what I said in this blog and give me your sevens.
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