Mobile Review: Let's Skate - "Let's Not"
Posted on Tuesday, May 7 @ 22:32:08 Eastern by Daniel Bischoff
I got an e-mail the other day asking me to review Let's Skate. Normally I'd say no. I'm lazy and please, skating? I was just a poser! But, whatever, I thought I'd check this game out. Mobile games these days are a total crap shoot. If you go off the charts, you're likely to step in shit. Only a select few mobile games manage to penentrate this reviewer's hazy gray matter.
So here's the title screen for Let's Skate! I sure wish it supported my iPhone 5's full screen, but that's forgiveable. What's not forgiveable is this dude's face. He's taking a crap. Literally. The play button is a big brown log coming out of his butt and he's making the kind of face you only make after Thanksgiving. Why did you have to eat a whole leg again, year after year, why don't you learn?
I'm here. This is on my phone. I have to press on.
"Let's Skate - Stage 1" I'm not gonna look at how many stages there are because locks on every stage I look at have warn me off. Let's do this. OK, my guy is covered in somer kind of Power Rangers velcro and I have fireballs and coins to collect and all these buttons. What the hell am I doing.
You start out with some momentum but it's quickly lost over the first or second hill. I can't figure out how to speed up or jump specifically. A flashing icon says to put my finger on the screen but it's a perfectly manicured lady's finger. I mean, are you gonna pick your butt after taking a crap like title-screen guy with some mangled, gnarly green finger nail? No! It's not sanitary!
Whatever, this is bull shit. I can't get any flips going or even finish the level before the timer runs out and I'm forced to restart. Maybe I'm missing something. If only I could think and figure out what these buttons do, but the damn music is so terrible. I can't believe how bad this music is.
Ok, so the volume button or the music button? Which do I push. It's not working! Dammit, neither of these buttons work! What the fuck am I doing wrong? Please stop the music! I better rupture my eyedrums with these pencils and fast!
Thank you, bon't worry about me, after this I'll look like that guy from Bioshock.
Back to the main menu and... great there's an ad. Diner Dash huh? I've played that before. It's stupid but frantic fun. This game is literally telling me about a much better game that I should go play. OK, I can see the credits. That's excellent, now we know who is responsible for this turd. There's a store too. I can buy five boosts at a time. I can also unlock new skaters or every level. All of it for heaps of that sweet, sweet in-app purchase money.
I'm not willing to shell out for it. I think it's pretty obvious at this point. Let's Skate? Let's not. This game and Tony Dump, inventer of the 900 manuever where you spin 900 degrees while you... whatever. Just listen to me, go do a nollie backflip off a bridge before you put your phone through this experience. Look no further for one of the most broken, greedy, and abhorrent games on the app market. You get one level and they bilk you for everything else. It's unplayable, unintelligible, and undeniably stupid. Plus, the music sucks.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
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