Retro Revolution: Valentine's Day
Posted on Wednesday, February 15 @ 20:48:14 Eastern by KevinSAh, love. It makes passionate characters stronger, dumb characters dumber, and even the tallest of mountains… screw it, there are spells, Pokemans, and airships for those. But I was talking to the voices in my head and asked myself who might make for a good pixilated date. The new school has all kinds of characters to lust after (your Catherines, Nathan Drakes, Ratchet if you're into that sort of fella), but there are a few sprite-based honeys that might be worth hitting up on your preferred retro-game-character dating sites.
Alex Kidd - He was a child star of the 1980s, a popular gaming icon that was even the unofficial mascot for Sega's run at to the top. I heard he's still got a collection of gold coins buried in a few chests somewhere, unlike Sonic (who's just hoarding jewelry, the greedy bastard). Alex knew his days might be numbered, so he set himself up for the future… that's attractive enough to ignore the MASSIVE ears, right?
The Battletoads - They haven't seen a release for a few years, but asking your local game shop if they have the new Battletoads game never gets old; they'll be remembered as much for their loving-yet-irrational fanboys as they will for their game's difficulty (even for the NES era). Sure the fellas have a little acne, but is that really a deal-breaker?
The Altered Beast Guy - Any Twilight fans? This guy punches a bull in the face, rips off his shirt from the power of his buff, and sometimes turns into a random and super-strong beast when necessary. Stick THAT in your glittery romance hole. He's a REAL man… erm, wolf. Wait, no, bear. Or a dragon. Or a tiger. I think… yeah, that's all. A man with range.
King from KoF - Ah, King. I didn't even recognize your gender until Dream Match '99 (King's a lady, BTW), but your bad-ass-ery might scare off the potential suitor. Even so, you ARE a bouncer so you're at the bar all the time. Why haven't you found "the one" yet? Too much venom in that strike, or does Mai steal all your thunder? That BITCH!
Mr. Driller - A working' man-boy in a pink hoodie wielding a man-boy-sized drill. He saves small creatures, saves towns and drills as deep as necessary without asking for a thing. So not very deep in the pockets, but strong in the soul. Oh, and he looks good in pink. What's not to love?
Birdo - After a few false starts and a failed relationship (but apparently still solid friendship) with Yoshi, Birdo is back out on the dating scene. There are easy jokes to make here and a passing resemblance to Q*Bert (and Brian from Family Guy), but I genuinely like Birdo. There's always something to be said about being true to yourself. So take her to dinner before I buy her a drink.
Who did I miss that you know needs love? Drop us a line in the comments and share the love! Happy V-Day!
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