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Revolutionary Rant: Metacritic Abusers

Posted on Friday, April 22 @ 01:44:47 Eastern by

There was quite a bit of time where I just didn't get mad enough about any one particular subject. Didn't you ever wonder "where'd the Revolutionary Rant go?" Didn't you ask yourself "Why hasn't Daniel gotten mad recently?" You wouldn't like me mad.

Of course, there's a strong difference between indifferent and mad. Recent events involving Anonymous, Sony, and video games (I think you know what I'm talking about) were enough to boil the blood of some individuals, but I abstained. I was in a good place. I was in a state of bewitched benevolence. The efforts of Anonymous in the past weeks were so hilariously, uproariously unorganized, inefficient and... pointless is the word I'm looking for. Yes, Anonymous was about as useless as the two limpest penises in the whole world.

Now, if they're behind the PSN outage I might have a few choice words for them, but they're not claiming to be, so instead I turn my anger, my violent, furious fingers to other subjects:

The Metacritic userbase.

Fuck you. Seriously, what's the matter with you? Maybe earlier in the week I would have cared less about you peeons, choosing instead to laugh at your unfortunate state of debilitating stupidity. Unfortunately for you, I just finished Portal 2 today. While the readers here at Game Revolution will have to wait until tomorrow to hear about it, I can give you my full attention now that the reviewing is done. And that's exactly what I intend to do.

The world woke up on Tuesday morning to find your dribble, your fanboy ramblings, your absolutely horrid remarks. I already highlighted a select few of them, but when I visit Metacritic's user reviews for Portal 2 they're nearly all hidden from view. The world will now completely forget reviews like "The co-op robots clearly rip off of Mario and Luigi. When will PC gamers stop ripping off of the purity of console games? Since this game isn't coming out for Wii there's no way I'm playing it." What a shame.

Even the blatantly negative reviews that somehow struggle their way to the top manage to stink of idiocy, unabashed fanboy anger, and bias. Let's take a look at CathySanders's Profile at Metacritic. I submit the following screenshot:

I'll spare you from this user's reviews of Minecraft, World of Warcraft and Portal 2. Why? They're garbage. They suck. The writing is trash and the language is plain boring. I wish I didn't open my eyes while visiting the page. Stay away from this user's reviews, I mean trash. Good job CathySanders for insulting me with your stupid words.

I'll be honest: I'm struggling with this rant. I mean, these people are so laughably inept! CathySanders is either secretly dreaming of becoming the next Yahtzee or a 14 year-old with access to his mother's Metacritic account.

I can't stand it anymore. Metacritic, you're a fucking joke. Seriously. So are you members. I hate you. I hate you all. Go die in a fire. If you can't accomplish that, then go outside on a rainy day, look up, and open your mouths. Stare dumbly into the sky like the chicken-headed morons you are and wait for death. Your decomposing bodies would do more for civilization than anything you contribute to the critical world.

Now I have a headache from reading this garbage.
Related Games:   Portal 2
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