Posted on Friday, January 6 @ 16:18:28 PST by Ben_Silverman
And just like that, the Toilet Boll flushes again. I'm of course referring to director/sworn enemy of taste Uwe Boll's latest turd, his film adaptation of the cheesy vampire video game Bloodrayne, which came out today despite the fact that no one but the crew's family members (and GR's own Joe Dodson) will see it. Not only does this shameful waste of perfectly good film reel kick the video game industry in its nuts by focusing on tits instead of talent, but disproves the existence of God since gamers everywhere have been praying it wouldn't see the light of day.
Why so bitter? Because last week, I made a resolution to stop hating on Uwe Boll and start embracing his bizarre, misguided love of turning games into films because...I don't know, because it seemed like a good challenge. Yeah, I was drunk and high on glue, but still, it was a resolution, and if Oprah takes those things seriously, so should I. Except after sobering up a little, I realized that the usually not-terrible Ben Kingsley is in the film, and I love Ben Kingsley. For crying out loud, the dude is a knight. But apparently even knights are hard up for cash these days and Uwe's got an infinite line of credit at the German Bank of Bad F*cking Ideas. Yeah, that's right - in my heart, Uwe killed Gandhi. So thanks, Toilet Boll, for helping me set the record for the shortest New Year's video game resolution since the time I tried to quit making fun of Nintendo fanboys. That one only lasted an hour.
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