ADD Gamers – Game Review
By: Luke Harris
Game: Postal 2: Share the Pain
Don’t make me angry.
Letter Grade: C+
+ Game tries to make you go postal!
+ Shock value.
+/- Gary Coleman?!
- Somewhat disgusting.
- Pointless story.
- Horrible multiplayer.
- Retarded AI
- Very short.
This is what happens when a game company like “Running With Scissors” gets very bored, and makes a FPS sequel to the game “Postal”. What you get is a stolen game engine, some sick experiments, and a black midget. This sequel, aptly named “Postal 2” is the sequel to a slightly less sickening game, now in the first person shooter genre. It starts out with the poor anti-hero, aptly named “Postal Dude”, and his wife. Your wife and the daily planner is basically the plot. That’s it. I’m not kidding. Some objectives are: Picking up some milk, cashing your paycheck, picking up a Christmas tree, and pissing on your father’s grave.
Unlike most FPS, you can beat this game without ever firing a bullet, swinging a shovel, or whipping out your Johnson. You can calmly wait in lines, and get cut in front of. You can pick up your paycheck and have your boss insult you, or get arrested willfully. On the other hand, you can go into people’s houses and light them on fire with gasoline, sodomize a cat as a silencer for your gun, smash people’s heads in with a billy-club, or throw a diseased cow head at them and watch them puke blood. Yes, you heard me. This game has a million weapons in it, such as the basic pistol, the weapons I mentioned above, a napalm grenade launcher, and a WMD. Did you get your paycheck yet?
The main objective here is to beat the game, but of course, in the style of GTA, nobody will care about beating the game as long as you can pee on people, or kick their head halfway around the city. Who cares, right? Well, as long as you’re having fun, and have time to get therapy, then it’s all good. The game has some pretty funny parts, such as waiting in line to get an autograph from Gary Coleman, who plays himself. Or when you discover you have gonorrhea, and have to go to the hospital to get some medicine. Or when you get knocked out by a couple rednecks and find yourself as their own personal gimp. Leather ass-less pants, and everything.
There are some interesting things in the game, such as your HUD changing appearance depending on the type of outfit your wearing. Not only that, but people will react differently. Wear your casual attire, and people treat you normally. Wear a police outfit, and people will greet you, apologize for walking in front of you, and avoid shooting at you. Wear a gimp outfit, and well…expect some laughing behind your back. The game has some pretty decent graphics, stolen from the Unreal engine at the time, and the textures and models aren’t bad at all. The fire effects are some of the best I’ve ever seen in a game. However, the AI is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Walk into a person’s house, they’ll continue to walk around, doing nothing, not sitting down, not occupying themselves…then you walk up to them and they’ll pause for a moment, “What are you doing in here?” Then proceed to run around in circles, screaming their heads off. Once they get to what they seem is a safe distance, whether you’ve been chasing them or not, they resume walking around, perfectly at ease.
If you’re into multiplayer FPS games, this one is not for you. If you’re lucky enough to find someone playing, then sit down and wait 10 minutes to download a map, then the characters, then the rules, then the weapons. Then you can play the laggiest, chuggiest, worst possible frame rated FPS multiplayer out there. Enough said. Stick with Counter-strike.
Last but not least, is the length. The game itself can be beaten in just a couple hours, calmly or by going postal. The game has minimal replay value, mostly new weapons and codes, but that won’t change the plot, AI, or difficulty. This is a one-time game for the most part. But it was a risk that the creators took, and it didn’t turn out too bad. If you want to, there’s an expansion, but good luck finding it.