PREVIEWSPillars of Eternity Preview
For Obsidian's crowdfunded love letter to Infinity Engine games like Icewind Dale and Baldur's Gate, I was impressed by its willingness to pull back the curtain and let me see the machinery behind it.
We've all been there. Everyone remembers that mission. You and your partner are climbing up the mountains in the snow, striving to pull some slick clandestine operation about getting some intel on a bad guy, or something similar (because let's face...
As you know, Monday, October 26th, 2008, the Giants played the Steelers at Heinz Field. My friend bet me a that that Giants would win, and I bet the Steelers would triumph in this game. The Giants won 21-14.
Why am I telling you this?
By losing, I either had to do 2 things. I could either a) dress up like Sailor Moon and take him to a Halloween Party or b) play this game for 6 hours and write a review. Obviously, being a man, I chose Option B. Probably now I should have picked Option C: Grab a hammer and lapse into a coma.
This game is HORRIBLE.
That's the bottom line. Why? Because of the following:
1) I got a six month old Windows XP computer. New NVIDA graphic drivers. I'm not joking. Got them in October for my new game Team Fortress 2 (which I utterly suck at, by the way...) My game crashed.
2) When I got to play it... it was dull. I've had more fun being in my Senior English Class, and that class was SO bad I had to fake having a disease in class to get out. I'm not joking. I literally right before a test I went to the garbage can and attempted to vomit a meatball sub and a pint of lemonade. You talk. You gather wood. You make food. You get food. It's like Harvest Moon... WITHOUT THE FUN!!!
3) Don't get me started on the challenges. They're either ridiculously easy or insanely hard. We're going to give you examples. For example, take Legend of Zelda. There are sometimes where you have to bomb a hidden passageway to find a hidden room with the "It's a Secret To Everybody" guy. Now imagine in BOLD, RED letters "Hey Link! RIGHT HERE! WE GOT 100 RUPPEES FOR YOU TO TAKE. I'M NOT JOKING. HECK, HERE'S A BOMB!". That's not as fun as using 3 bombs but finally getting it.
Now for the other extreme. Imagine playing a FPS shooter like, oh, lets go with everyone's favorite game, Halo. Now imagine all you have is a pistol. Now imagine you're in Blind Mode. Now imagine that you can't move backwards or turn your head. Now imagine that in one hit you die. Now imagine there's a group of 6 Elites with Plasma Rifles coming towards you. And all you have is your cruddy pistol, no shields, no grenades, no Needler, no Energy sword. You'd die in about... 20 seconds?
And that's the game. Imagine this. It's my THIRD least favorite game of all time. The other 2? Superman 64 and E.T. (Wally Bear and the NO Gang does not constitute as a game.) It's boring. Really boring. It doesn't deserve to exist, like the group of Shaq-fu haters. Don't ever play this game.
This is the sad part: I'm a Survivor megafan. I've watched all the episodes, even from the start. According to my friends, I'm the freaking Chris Berman of Survivor, since I know what people are doing on that show more than the rest of the planet (mostly because they're idiots.) It's sad, but expected. I can name about a handful of games based on TV shows and movies that were actually pretty good. (Such as the Godfather game, Spider-Man the Movie, etc.) Look: let's face it. Most games based on other media SUCK.
On a happy note, the game did do good. It's part of my science expirement called: "What happens when you place a crappy game in the microwave.: