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God of War Member Review for the PS2

By:
JJAGoodfella
10/24/06
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION
EMAIL TO A FRIEND
GENRE Action 
PLAYERS
PUBLISHER Sony 
DEVELOPER Sony 
RELEASE DATE Out Now
M Contains Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Nudity, Sexual Themes, Strong Language

What do these ratings mean?

The current market is littered with several craptastic games in the genre, God of War simply kicks their asses and balances out the good game to shitty game ratio. This isn't an RPG, or a First-person Shooter, nor is it a bullshit, crappy beat-em-up, the developers must have pulled some serious effort on this ****er because this game kicks you in the teeth, slams you into a wall, pisses on your corpse, and then takes a flaming **** on your grave.

The premise of the game is simple. KILL EVERYTHING. The game has a neat story about people getting killed and stuff, which is good when your a blood thirsty mother****er like Kratos, sure he has a ****ed up past, but that just gives more of an incentive to kick some ass. If your looking for an accurate portrayal of Greek Mythology though be prepared to puke, these guys didn't quite do their research properly, maybe they didn't care, which is cool because I don't care either, nobody plays videogames for storylines anyway, in the end it's the ****ing game you PLAY that counts. Anyway, back to the story, it kinda goes like this, Athena is like, "OMG Kratos u have to kill some people!" and Kratos is like "lol ok, AGHGRHGahgRHGahgRa DIE DIE DIE!!" and Athena is like, "Good job, now go kill these people!" and Kratos is like, "lmao k, DIE DIE DIE!! STAB STAB!! KILL! CHOKE!! BEHEAD11!11! lol pwned." and Athena is like, "Omg Kr4t05! Ares is being a stoopid n00b lol u have to ownz0r him k?" and Kratos is like "omfg k but u owe me kthxbai, aghrghaghrg KILL MURDER DEATH BASH BEHEAD SLAM FUCK SHIT PISS CUNT FUCK AghGRhgahGRHgahgRa!!" and then Kratos is like, "lmao i r admin now omfg" and then the game ends.

The game kinda plays like Devil May Cry, Rygar, a typical internet forum, and Onimusha, if you haven't played those, well, figure that **** out on your own. It's basic crap really, kill a bunch of things, get some orbs, upgrade yourself, earn some new badass abilities like this one where he jumps in the air and spins like a ****ing helicopter blade, it kicks hefty amounts of ass. You'll do plenty of neat things, rip Medusa's head off, jam a knife down a Minotaurs throat, engage in a sex0r minigame, impale some ****ing Hydras, make your way through a really cool temple filled with dick chopping saw blades and swinging blades and traps and crap, battle Lord Xenu and Tom Cruise on an aircraft carrier during a thunderstorm when all of a sudden Ares shows up and starts kicking some ass but you had knew this was coming so Rita throws her wand down from the sky and you grow to gigantic proportions and team up with the Megazord and double-team Ares because he's a ****ing pansy, all in order to save a schoolbus full of children, thats on fire. Ripping people in half with your bare hands is cool in a sick twisted kind of way, it's like watching Alexander, only it doesn't suck, and it isn't excessively homoerotic, cause nobody likes an endless stream of crotch shots.

Other games have faceless, brainless, lame-ass main characters. Not God of War though, Kratos is one ruthless mother****er. He's a supreme badass, unlike Alexander, that weenie. If Kratos and Alexander were to fight, Kratos would just be like "Dude, I'm gonna ****ing kick your ass." and Alexander would be like "Can we play pattycake and buttram behind the bath house first?" and Kratos would be like "Oh HELL no beeotch, you going down homie!" and then proceed to drive Alexander into the dirt with a swift kick to the vagina. Why cant more videogames have really cool main characters like Kratos? Other games have you playing as stupid gay prissy boys with a mysterious past, or techno-trendy wussy dudes who wear tight leather clothes and crap, I blame all of this on the Japanese and all of that god damned Anime. Playing God of War will make you wish every main character was as cool as Kratos. Moving on.

This game has some ****ing NICE graphics. It all runs silky smooth and makes you wanna cream your pants over and over again. Though I wouldn't advise towards towards such excessive masturbatory tendencies (because I do care about kittens), I certainly wouldn't blame ya. Happy jerking. The same can be said about the music, it seals the ****ing deal, the MUSIC IS GREAT, it's all ****ing mighty and epic and ****, kinda like the game itself, the game is all ****ing badass and feels like your playing some lost chapter of Greek Mythology that makes anyone who got tricked into watching Alexander because their idiot friend thought it was a good idea feel like they coulda just gone to the theatre and watched someone play this game for three hours, even if the Benny Hill theme was playing the entire time, **** yeah. Kittens.

The control scheme works, it ****ing works, it's smooth, easy to control, fluid, responsive, it works well. This is the best control scheme ever, it controls even better than that shitty movie Alexander, and I'm not talking about the game because the game involved you yelling at your computer and hoping the little soldiers would quit jerking eachother off and get to some action that didn't involve triple anal penetration.

So what sucks about the game? It's too short, that's about it. The average gamer would probably clock in no more than 10+ hours, no wait.. the average gamer sucks, 15 hours. I beat it in 8 which is still only one hour shorter than Alexander, which I think is pretty kickass because Alexander was too long, and it sucked. I wish the game had some sort of co-op too, or 2 player deathmatches, if there was God of War multiplayer, I'd win every single game, even those I wasn't even in. Sure it's short, but atleast it's fun, that's all that matters, the game is fun to play, so go ****ing play it already.

Rent or buy? Rent first, buy if it's cheap, these days it shouldn't be too hard to find it for like $20 bucks or so. It's a good game, don't miss it.

God Of War, for being completely and totally awesome, badass, epic, and for not blowing ass (literally) like Alexander, is surely worth your time.

 



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