"May I help you sir?" Asks the speaker at mcdonald's. I sit calmly on my chromed out, dubbed in, gold plated, slimed into, top of the line 2007 delux edition Bicycle. Hey! If it was good enough for E.T., it's good enough for me! Anyway, I answer, " Yes, I want the small hamburger, cut the onions, the small salad, and a cup of water, thank you." "Is that all sir?" asks the speaker box. "Yes," I answer, "tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's aaaaallllllllllll folks!" I lower the hydraulics and pedal my way to the drive-thru window. (Sun: But I thought you couldn't ride bikes through the Drive-Thru window at restaurants?) (Dance Dude: Clocks Shotgun -chi chik- What was that? ) (Sun: Reloads Rocket launcher -clik clik phooh- Do you really want me to repeat myself? ) ( -_- Dance Dude: When you stop selling at save-a-lot, let me know ok? ) CRACK (Sun: OHHHH!!! Is that a pwn I smell? Yo big-boned mama workin da cash registers! ) SIZZLE ( Dance Dude: OOOOHHHHH!! You wanna bring mama's into this? I saw your's walking down the street the other day. I thought it was april fool's day. ) HEAT ( Sun: OOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH that hurt Dance! Kinda like when I saw yo mama for da first time. She's the reason we HAVE a moon. Nightime. ) BURN ( :O!!!! Dance Dude: You win this time Sunny D. Now get da hell out of my review! chi-chik. )
I drive- I mean pedal- to the drive-thru window, and a mysterious figure sporting 1990's glasses pop out. "$2.59 sir." OMFG!!! It's Gordon Freeman! " Wasup Gordman! How u been doin? How your wife Mrs. Crowbar- I mean Alex- I mean Mrs. Whoever been doin? " He leans out of the drive-thru window, and tips his glasses down. " Hi. $2.59 cents sir. " He says. WOW. Not much of a talker is he? "Your not much of a talker are you Gordon huh? " I say. He responds, " You're not much of a spender are you, Mr. Hamilton? The dollar store is down the street. " (Sun: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!) HOLD UP!!! Now Mr. Freeman wants to burn me? This is unacceptable goddamnit! "Who you trying to burn? What you need to burn is some calories. Gaining a little weight Mr. Freeman? No wonder you moved so slow in Half Life 2!" Gordan huffs and grabs his gravity gun and points it at me. " Oh, " I said. " You can't take a joke? Bet you'd take an order of fries, though!" He pulls the orange box towards him and launches it at my face. "OUCH! Hey, this isn't what I ordered! I want to speak to your manag-" Before I could finish my complaint, he aims at my (chromed out, dubbed in, gold plated, slimed into, top of the line 2007 delux edition, might I add) bike, and launches me in the air across town. Gordon Freeman. Gordon mothaf#ckin Freeman. I'll let Ronald McDonald know about this bullsh$t. He didn't give me what I want!
But that's the Gordon Freeman we know. He never gives us what we want. We all wanted a good- no great game back in 2004 with Half Life 2. What we got was arguably the greatest game of all time, and If I went back and graded that game, I wouldn't hesistate to slap it with an "A" and call it one of the best times you'll ever have with a game. Now, 3 years later, I'm playing the SAME DAMN GAME, ( with add-ons, mind me) and guess what? I stand by my statement above. There isn't a better FPS on the market today right now, in this very moment in existence. Halo 3? Galo 3. Bioshock? Galoshock. Oh wait, did I already use that insult? DO-OVER! Bioshock? Biosuck. And the reason why I love Half-Life 2 is simple really: It never gets boring. Not because of the silky smooth controls that guide you, or the incredible immersion level always with you. You are always doing something very unique, or very interesting. Or, you know, just doing something. But you're never, not having fun. There was never a pale moment in this entire game, and despite the fact that the first half hour of the game, you're not really playing, but just walking around, being nosey, it never relieves that tension it relentlessly builds up throuhout the entire game. Yeah, I know, that sounds like some bullsh!t, but trust me! This is one of those games that just can't be explained in words. You HAVE to live through it yourself. And that's not taking into account what Episode 1 and 2 have to offer. Episode 2 is probably the best slice of Half-Life Pie yet, ( Be prepared to die alot during the unforgettable ending- It's amazing. :D ) but both of these extensions add to the mind-blowing experience that is Half -Life 2. And I do mean MIND BLOWING. This baby is gorgeous. They must have modeled this game after Halle Berry or something, because while the game's graphic's engine is 3 years old, it still looks better than most 360 titles today. :O Now that's some pretty strong crack Valve was on when they came up with the idea for this game! " SNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFF. EEMMPPHHH. HEY, Let's make a game where it'll look beter than games 3 years in the future! " "SNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFF. Yeah dude. And lets make the framrate constant! It'll never stop or skip or anything! And lets make Gordan Freeman......a woman!! That would be a terrific twist! And let's make Alex a sexual robot that pleases-" BLOP. President of Valve throws the bloody bat down. " Well don't look at me! He never shuts up! SNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFF. DDDDAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN this is some good shhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttttt mayne."
But you know, with all of that mighty praise about how good Half-Life 2 and it's episodes are, they're not the best thing in this package. That thing is a game called Portal. It's about you, a test subject, solving puzzles that involve defying gravity and the rules of attraction, trying to advance to the next portal, where the puzzle will involve you turning the world inside out..........ok. And from there, it even gets crazier. Need I remind you of how much crack Valve was on while making this game? ( lol) But what starts as a wierd, sorta kinda puzzle game, winds up being one of the best stand-alone games of the year. This game is frightningly addictive, and had me staring at my TV like it was Micheal Jackson. This game had me memerized, all frustrating 1 and a half hours of it. Yeah, 1 and a half DAMN HOURS. Seeing Cartmen off of Southpark turn a full 360 takes longer than that! I might be overexaggerating a bit on the length of this game, but you see my point? It really DOES take Cartman a week to fully make a round around his world- oh, and yeah, the game really is short too. It usually takes me a longer time to finish games than the "average gamer", but HOT POCKETS! I thought the game was kidding when the credits came rolling!
I also thought the game was kidding when It came to the multiplayer game Team Fortress 2. Before I talk about this game, let me let you know what this game is not- It's not Halo 3 by another name, and it damn sho aint the multiplayer game of the year my nizzle. It's fun, but more often than not, you'll find yourself replaying through portal, or finishing Half-Life 2, or just hanging out with Master Chief. The main problem I have with this game, is that it just, I don't know, isn't up to other standards set by recent multiplayer badasses. It's like it's stuck in the days of quake and unreal tournament. And the bad thing about it is that it WANTS to be stuck in the days of quake and unreal. No matter how many times I try to convince myself to believe what other reviewers have said about this game, I always come back to my green buddy and laugh. Yeah, sure, every character has different traits and sh#t, but c'mon, how strategic does a multiplayer game have to get? And the respawn points omfjmfgdg@#%$k^$#*#%$$d&^&$s^*&%. That's how much cussing you'll be doing waiting for your character to respawn. It takes sooooooooo long. It begins to strain from the point of fun, to the end of boring. I might be the first person to say that, and I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this issue, but let me repeat myself just so you won't think you're reading things: VALVE IS NO BUNGIE WHEN IT COMES TO MULTIPLAYER. Oh, that was a little mean. Let me say that a different way: Single Player- yes Multiplayer- noooooohohohohohoh. Oh, I forgot about counterstrike for a minute.....admit it, you did too...........lol..........we're going to look back on this day and laugh. Wow, yes indeed.
Despite that small setback, this is basically the only game you need for your 360 or PC. But even with that high regard, this game isn't as good as it could be. I mean, think about it, how come the best things in this package are either 3 years old ( Half-Life 2) or really short? ( Portal and the episodes) I know the multiplayer kinda displaces my statement I made walago (lol) but, after dicussing my severe dislike for that game, I don't think It'll be winning any fights with me. But then again, what I'm really doing is trying to find a reason not to give this game an "A", which is a damn hard thing to do. When taken as a whole, and when you have 5 completely stand-alone games on one disc, me not liking 1 game out of the 5 is a huge accomplishment. And what makes it even better is that I'm one of the only one's with that taste bud, oh my! But shouldn't this game be taken and rated as a whole? Shouldn't I lower the rating for 1 screw-up? Shouldn't ALL games be damn near perfect to get a damn near perfect score? To tell you the truth.......yes.
But I'm still giving this game an "A". I couldn't find a solid reason not to. Not long enough? Than stop rushing. Too much of the same stuff? Than why are you still playing it huh? Lackluster sound? You need to be stabbed in the head with an audio chip. Simple questions= Simple answers. Why am I still writing this paragraph? Because I'm still wondering what the hell being stabbed in the head with an audio chip would feel like.
So is this the best game of the year? Well that's a tough question. If you've never played Half-Life 2, than yes, this could possibly be your favorite dog this year. But if you HAVE played it........................you'll have a tough time deciding between this, and other, uh, FPS NOMINEES. I aint gon name no names here...uh, but yea........you get my drift. If you're a multiplayer nut, than I wouldn't blame you for ignoring this review and going back to Halo 3. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't get this game. This game should be within arm length of your 360, because calling you library complete without it would be a misconception. Well, let's not beat around the bush here huh? You would be WRONG. Get it now while it's still orange.