Carbine Studios Has Job Opening for Battle-Hardened Soldier

To secure the position, the candidate must have:

Intergalactic security clearance
Proven experience in combat (especially with recently-discovered life-forms)
Extensive knowledge of cutting-edge weaponry and the ability to adapt to new technology as it is invented
Experience handling endless waves of enemies in seemingly hopeless situations (this is a plus)

Candidates will be subjected to daily obstacle courses requiring quick reflexes and MacGyver-like adaptability - loss of limbs practically guaranteed. Ability to tell horrific stories about scars by a campfire while chugging homemade whiskey expected.