"Leaked" Project Cafe Games List Is All Kinds of Stupidity
Posted on Sunday, May 15 @ 13:26:31 Eastern by Daniel Bischoff
I've been known to take a pretty hard eye to things in the games industry. I call it like I see it. Think SEGA is going to make a decent, superhero-licensed game? You're a moron. The same goes for anyone rating something from Ubisoft's Imagine series higher than Splash Damage's Brink.
Unfortunately, that's why I'm going to have to crack some Nintendo-fanboy skulls over this "supposed" leaked release list for Nintendo's next console, codenamed Project Cafe. Here's the list:
All of these do sound plausible, and honestly, after seeing the way Nintendo published its first-party games with the 3DS, I can't say that this won't be the weak showing they'd push Project Cafe out the door with. Even that's excusing Pikmin Cafe's basis on unannounced 3DS title, Pikmin 3DS.
This is really the biggest sign that this list is a complete and total fabrication of fanboy-daydreaming. Never mind that this all sounds like SUPER BULLSHIT (a level above normal bullshit), but even the dates are completely wrong. Is Project Cafe launching this summer? No. The damn machine is launching Fall 2012 (supposedly) so how are the "future" games landing around that same time? And why would Nintendo publish Super Mario, Zelda, Fire Emblem, and the Retro Studios IP at the same time? God, whoever wrote this is a fucking moron, especially if their goal was to garner attention with the inception of this "rumor." Don't even get me started on "Legend of Paper Zelda."
You should already know where I'm about to go with this. Every single one of these games is a game that some fanboy somewhere said "Hey, I'd really like to play those games but I only own a Wii. What if I can play them all on Project Cafe." Why the fuck would Bioware spend time and money back-porting Mass Effect 1 and Mass Effect 2 to Project Cafe? Have you seen the stupid interactive comic that came with Mass Effect 2 on PS3?
OK, admittedly, there will definitely be a Monkey Ball title on Project Cafe, possibly at launch. Yes, you might see a Street Fighter game too. Will it be SF X Tekken? No. Probably not. Yes, I could see >SSX ported to Project Cafe in the future. The rest of this sounds like bull shit and the constant use of (Extra Content) is just a stupid fucking excuse for the huge leaps we'd all have to take to believe this. It only gets more absurd so let's read on:
It's Activision so yeah, probably. C'mon, you know it's true too.
See what I mean about the list getting more absurd? Fucking obnoxious. How could you call yourself an journalist and not say something to the tune of "yeah, right."
OK, so we've got rumblings of GTA V right now. I hope it's at E3 but me and everyone else like me will probably get disappointed. So, to suggest that GTA V will be a timed exclusive to Nintendo's Fall Launch 2012 console is a HUGE mistake. First of all, yes, Rockstar likes to take chances. Sure, I'll give you that, but they've published a GTA game on a Nintendo console. It was exclusive! There were no plans to port it to PSP or iPhone for that matter. Of course, the game didn't sell... at all, things had to be done to break even. You will not see Grand Theft Auto V on Project Cafe. You will certainly not see it as a timed exclusive. They haven't launched a timed exclusive since GTA: San Andreas. They're too big of a studio to do that anymore. They want to fire GTA V out into the ether on all fronts.
I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. There is so much stupidity in this list that I can't bring myself to write anything further. That's why I'm going to ask you to do it. Create the most absurd Project Cafe game possible. Seriously, let your imagination run wild. Enter it in the comments and the best one will get featured in The People Speak. I'll probably throw some E3 swag you way just because you're awesome.
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