Recipe for Electronic Lunacy...

The gateway to hell's rumpus room.

Combine Las Vegas with the Los Angeles Convention Center. Mix with scores of computer geeks, thousands of confused PR cronies, hundreds of scantily clad hookers, 5 million watts of electricity, and the entire Pokemon phenomenon. Stir in countless monitors, keyboards, and speaker systems. Shake vigorously. Add a few midgets, a gang of machine-gun toting apes, and a giant Scotsman blowing his huge bagpipes. Blend in LA traffic and the second round of the NBA playoffs. Top off with a keg of beer. Chill.

Welcome to E3 2000, the longest three days since Woodstock. Even those who didn't take the brown acid were overwhelmed by the sheer size of the nightmare.

The numbers were indeed impressive: 548,000 square feet, over 450 exhibitors, more than 2400 software titles. Indeed, the possibility of actually getting to see everything you want to see in three days is nonexistent, particularly when you spend half of that time stark raving drunk.

From this editor's standpoint, E3 2000 illustrated both the good (Black and White) and bad (Blues Brothers 2000...?) of an industry enjoying its peak in terms of revenue and consumer interest. But more than anything, it depicted an alarming trend that game companies seem to be following: quantity over quality.

Wandering the booths of E3 became a study in monotony. Each company seemed to have a token sports game, a token RPG, a token action/adventure - lots of tokens, but not many flagships. So many of the games used the same engines that the design differences became so specific as to barely make the games distinguishable from one another. Exactly how is this game different from the original Tomb Raider?

Check out the line. Nerds! Neeerrrdddss!

I understand that game companies need to make moolah, but some of the crap that gets shoved out the door and into the consumer's lap is unbelievable. Now, since I'm such a diplomatic guy, I don't want to name names and point fingers. Except at Acclaim for Mary-Kate and Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall. Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of, a monumental waste of time! Shape of, a bucket of water!

Mall adventures aside, there were definitely some bright spots at the show. In fact, there were tons of good, capable titles that, while hardly breaking down any barriers, certainly get the job done. I could name them here, but then you'd know too much and I'd have to kill you.

So what really turned heads at E3? Metal Gear Solid 2 had so many show-goers glued to the ground in front of the Konami booth that the carpet turned a delicious shade of dirt gray. Microsoft's X-Box demo had attendees seeing butterflies. I heard there was a fight in the line for the Halo movie because someone tried to cut. Cheating in the face of divinity, no less.

The game that turned my head the, um, turniest was Lionhead's Black and White. Having missed it at last year's show, I was pleased to find myself seated face to face with design legend Peter Molyneux for a little heart to heart about his final hurrah. What can I say? The guy talks a good game. Plus you get to be God, complete with the guiltless pleasures of ruining or ruling your world. Ha! All those years of God making ME feel guilty, washed away with the slap of a hand. Take THAT, Bar Mitzvah!

Speaking of which, perhaps most surprising from the PC front was G.O.D (Gathering of Developers), who unleashed the wrath of the heavens in a slew of very cool games. From Max Payne's incredible graphics engine (you can actually make out grooves in the individual shotgun shells) to Rune's hack and slash madness, G.O.D really made their presence felt. And as a bonus, they had midgets dressed up like KISS running amuck (and one dressed as Castro, for good measure). Did I mention avoiding the brown acid?

Microsoft had perhaps the most solid all around PC lineup, with Freelancer, Dungeon Siege, Crimson Skies, Loose Cannon and Conquest , not to mention the ultra top-secret appointment-only showing of Relic's upcoming RTS doozie Sigma. Sure, the big M spent serious cash to grab all those top-notch developers, but hey, what else is a giant, monopolistic company supposed to do? We do what we know.

Dance for me, baby. Ooooh la-la.

Interplay also brought out their 'A' games. A few hours staring at Neverwinter Nights, Sacrifice, Giants and Evolva made me something of a believer. It also helped that the Neverwinter Nights guys had complimentary Newcastle in their little Kentia Hall hidee hole. Bribe me with beer? You speaka my language!

The console war heated up with the announcement of the PS2's price point and ship date in America ($299, October 26, 2000). There were a slew of PS2 games on hand , most of which looked, shall we say, not as 'next-generation' as we hoped. Compared to Sega's stellar Dreamcast lineup, Sony's wunderkind system seemed to lose more momentum than it gained.

The Sega booth was really impressive. Games like Samba de Amigo, Power Stone 2 and Jet Grind Radio really demonstrated how far the system has come. Add to that the unveiling of SegaNet (Phantasy Star Online, oh the sweet crack), and it became a difficult booth to leave. However, the live Ulala (heroin, er, heroine from Space Channel 5) dance number, while certainly worthy of that 80's booty shaker Solid Gold, was one tough boogie pill to swallow.

In the quest for fairness, righteousness and smiley-faced goodness, I think comparing the PS2 titles to the DC games is out of line. The Dreamcast has been out in the States for over 8 months, plenty of time for developers to get the hang of the system, while the PS2 won't see the light of day in America until the end of October. It's no surprise that the DC games outshine the PS2 - it's a case of second generation versus pre-first generation software.

That's not to say that Sony should relax and just wait it out. For all its fine points, the PS2 suffers from the anti-aliasing problems, and, according to several developers we spoke to, isn't particularly easy to program for. The announcement of the expansion bay for optional hard drive and ethernet card brings the system up to speed, but still doesn't answer questions about the VRAM, or lack thereof (PS2 has 4MB video RAM, Dreamcast has 8).

You know what they say about the size of your sign...

Though the PS2 games were less than stellar, a few stood out. Kessen brings full-scale war to new heights. EA's continues its torrid affair with Sony in Madden 2001 and SSX. Armored Core 2 hauls giant robot ass. All of these games are planned to come out with the system, lending much needed support for the enormous initial launch.

With the focus squarely on Sony and Sega, people seemed to forget about that 'other' console monster, Nintendo. And frankly, the Mario Machine dropped the Poke-ball by failing to release any more info on their Dolphin.

Consider this: At last year's E3, Nintendo announced the Dolphin. At this year's GDC, Microsoft announced the X-Box. And at this year's E3, Microsoft comes out firing with a public X-Box demo right in the middle of their booth, while Nintendo showed neither hide nor blowhole of their next-gen rig.

I spent about 30 minutes walking through the Nintendo booth, and was stunned by the sheer...emptiness of it all. Aside from a few upcoming gems (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, Perfect Dark, Dinosaur Planet, and Conker's BFD), the booth was wholly uninteresting. Though the free Conker's bar was very enticing. Hair of the squirrel that bit yah!

If there is one take home message from E3 2000, it's that this business is becoming more of a business every day. More companies are getting involved, more games are being made, and more money is being spent than ever before. But more doesn't mean better, and hopefully we'll see some of the fat trimmed before we find ourselves playing "The Whassup! Guys Kart Racing." (Note: Title protected by international patent laws. If interested, contact me. We'll do lunch. True.)

It's our ape overlords! Bastards! Quick, look busy...