by Ben Silverman

Dear diary,

It has been 152 days since I last wrote. I'm sorry. 
I've been really busy. So let's see…what have I 
been up to? Well, GR had its 5-year anniversary back 
in mid April. That was cool. I drank too much wine 
and told Duke that I liked him, not liked him liked 
him but liked him, y'know? But it's okay now that 
the restraining order has expired. Whew!

What else…hmmm…oh well there was E3 again. It was fun! We 
got to ride horses and we even made a tent out of sticks! 
Then we went hiking and Shawn got chased by a bear and 
then we sang songs around the fire and then Brian killed
a rattlesnake using his own hair. It was really good times.

So anyway, I know I should have written earlier but I really
have been so busy. In fact I have other things I should be doing 
right now, but since our readers keep yelling at me I decided to 
just come up with some stuff to say and say it and make them shut 
up already because they're giving me a headache and that sucks. 

Love, 

Benny 

P.S. Have a great summer. Math class was fun! 

Alright, so I know how much we suck for letting the rants and raves section get shafted over the past few months. I feel terrible. I haven't slept in weeks. I take full responsibility for the fact that the other editors are nimrods and didn't write anything. I was going to fire everyone, but then I remembered that they could kick my ass, so instead I'm sucking it up and spitting it out.

When I was thinking about what to rant about, it really boiled down to three topics: The Gamecube, the Xbox or the PS2.

Who the hell knows.

Indeed, the past few months have been dominated by the console wars, despite the fact that currently only one of 'em is even out. Still, we've gotten more mail and questions about this topic than any other, and I figured here was as good a place as any to just wax ad nauseum about why I think the whole thing is a ridiculous, stressful mess.

First off, I have to address the hordes of readers who want to know which system we suggest buying. That's like asking a football fan which team to bet on in the Super Bowl. They might have some valid points, but you just never know where the chips will fall until they actually get off their linebacker asses, blow a kneecap and throw the game.

We can go on and on about system specs and gameplay trailers and first-looks and all that noise, but when it comes right down to it, YOU are the ones who decide which of these rigs is worth the money, not us critics. Yep - consumers largely dictate the longevity of a system. Critics can give you some advice or some personal thoughts, but we're not predictors of social opinion.

The Dreamcast, for instance, was a very good machine. It had a number of titles that were simply top-notch, ushering in (among other things) a whole new wave of incredible sports games, online playability and creative, smart game design. We even recommended buying one this past Christmas.

Whoops!

How were we to know that Sega would pull out of the hardware gig a few months later? No one could have really seen that coming (though it makes perfect sense), and rest assured that we feel a little bad for those who ran out and bought one only to discover months later that they were the proud new owners of a soon-to-be extinct platform.

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. After all, for under 200 bucks you can own a Dreamcast and (at current prices) about 5 kick ass games. Soul Calibur is still the best fighting game in town. NFL 2K1 rules. Skies of Arcadia is a fantastic RPG. It's not like owning a Dreamcast is without its merits. It's just without a future.

So during the next few months (and next few paragraphs), please understand that the best we can do as gaming critics is offer an educated opinion on these things. We cannot predict the future. We cannot dictate how the gaming public will take to a specific system or game. We tried that once, but our mind control serum accidentally got thrown in the wash with a pair of my best jeans. Doh.

Now, a word about standards.

I loved Sea Battle too, but let's be honest.

Video gaming has a long tradition of format battles. From Atari vs. Intellivision to SNES vs. Genesis to Playstation vs. Saturn vs. N64, there always seem to be at least two distinct console gaming options out there. And two is one too many.

In other forms of media, the format conundrum is steeped in technological advances vs. technological traditions. Vinyl didn't so much compete with cassettes as pre-date them. Likewise, cassettes gracefully took a backseat to CDs due to the obvious quality differences between the two. However, many of us still own cassette players and can still buy brand new cassettes, should we want to. When was the last time you saw a brand spanking new Atari game?

Imagine the video game format catastrophe in another medium. Imagine going to buy some CDs…except there are three different types to choose from: CD-A, CD-B, and CD-C. Let's say one has slightly brighter treble, one has more robust bass and the other is 5 bucks cheaper.

So there you are, staring at three copies of the new U2 album. Now, CD-A contains 14 tracks, CD-B contains 15 tracks (a bonus cut at the end), and CD-C contains 15 tracks but you keep hearing that the bass quality in CD-C is much worse than the other formats.

Each CD costs 20 bucks and requires a unique player - a CD-A player, a CD-B player, or a CD-C player. Due to proprietary CD design, there is no one player that will play all three types.

What do you do next? Most likely you rip out your hair, light your clothes on fire and try to burn down the store out of frustration. All you wanted was to buy a new album, and suddenly you DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT CORRECTLY ANYMORE.

Or how about if U2 decided to only release their album in CD-A format…and you're the proud owner of a CD-B player. Bummer. So much for cutting Edge.

And that's pretty much what it's like being a video game consumer. Come November you'll have three different consoles to choose from, each of which offers a slightly different experience from the others. It seems like no matter which way you turn, you'll be missing out on something big.

Frankly, I want to throw a big rock at Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft for putting us all in this horrible position. Don't these people talk to each other? Don't they ever pick up the phone or tricorder or magic billionaire two-way watches and put their rich and famous heads together to try and develop a standard? No, not at all, never in a million years, because this is free enterprise and capitalism and every man for himself and check out our 4th quarter profits.

Look, I understand that this is technology we're talking about and competition spurs creativity and without this sort of competitive landscape we'd be moving at a much slower clip. But while this explanation of diversity works fine and dandy in your Computer Science class, it doesn't end up crossing over so well for consumers. We might all claim that buying options are great, but in reality we don't want to have to choose from too much of anything - particularly new technology. We want simplicity and easy answers and the warm, fuzzy knowledge that we didn't screw the pooch by dropping 300 bucks on the WRONG game machine.

I can hear the arguments already…"Up yours, Ben! We want choices! We don't want our gaming dictated to us! If there's great technology out there, we want it! We shall overcome! Fight the man!"

Mascots or Assclots - you make the call!

How touching…and what acute denial. Would your life really be so much worse if you were 'forced' into buying one kick-ass piece of technology rather than having to pick between three? Wouldn't you trade the stomach ache of consumer confusion for the Kaopectate of a simpler gaming life? A few polygons for the opportunity to play Mario, Sonic and Crash Bandicoot on the same system? You bet your irritating mascot ass!

Many of you won't remember the VHS/Betamax debacle of the early 80's (in honesty, I barely do, since I was about 10), but it quickly showed that consumers had enough of a problem trying to decide which movie to rent, forget which system to play it on. Betamax eventually took a leave of absence from North American shores, and since that day we've all been able to go to the video store without thinking that we somehow bought the wrong player. The movie rental market has blossomed, and I know for a fact that many of you owe your current jobs to this.

Nowadays, no one knows if their rig is the best around. Fan boys get ridiculously defensive about their company du jour. We all want to think that the piece of technology sitting under our TV is the best thing that money can buy, not the third best thing.

The saddest part about this whole nightmare is that we all know that one of these three companies will take it up the wazoo. I don't care how many pie charts you want to stick in my face - three systems cannot co-exist successfully for very long. That's just way too many options for the consumer, particularly when the software runs about 50 bucks a pop. And if you haven't noticed, the economy isn't exactly roaring right now. Not many of us are prepared to buy more than one of these systems, at least not until we rob the bank down the street.

What I wouldn't do for a GameStationBox, a multipurpose console combining the best that the three systems have to offer and playing ONE format (DVD, perhaps) of software! To get sent only one version of a new sports game to review, not three requiring separate reviews of the same exact game! To love games and play games yet not constantly second-guess my buying decision because there's ONE cool game I can't play because some schmuck in a suit wants to tout "proprietary license" in a meeting!

Alas, since I can't have my format agnostic gaming rig of happy happy joy-joy, I'm forced to join the throngs of confused consumers who somehow have to pick one of the big three to call mommy. After countless hours alone in a dark room focusing my chakrah and harnessing my chi, I discovered the one true answer to the system dilemma:

RIGHT NOW, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, I HAVE NO IDEA.

The Gamecube has Rogue Leader, which kicks ass, but who knows if enough mature games will come along to make it a worthy buy for a grown-up gamer. The Xbox gives us cool games like Cel Damage and (sooner or later) Project Ego, but that damn controller is made for enormous Sasquatch hands, not my dainty editor mitts. I have a PS2 already and have largely been using it as a DVD player, but I think that's bound to change when Metal Gear Solid 2 and Grand Theft Auto 3 join the party.

Ugh. Thank god for my PC.

People, this is just the beginning. We still have a good three months before the system wars actually become a viable topic for the nightly news, and you can be sure that a future rant will have more to say about the matter. You can also be sure that one of the other GR staffers will write it. Lazy bastards.

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