Duke Nukem Forever Preview

It's about goddamn fucking time!

A buddy of mine has the best way of describing how long he's been waiting for Duke Nukem Forever to come out: “When Duke Nukem Forever was announced, I was still a virgin.” For some members of our audience this may not hold true because you're either older than me and lost it waaaay before my time came, or you're younger than me and you haven't had “the talk” yet. (If you're in the “B” category, you should stop reading now and go ask your parents how babies are made before continuing on.)

Now this may seem like an arbitrary way of measuring the twelve years it's taken for DN4E to see the light of day, but when you consider that Duke Nukem 3D pre-dated the internet boom and was, for some, the budding of their sexual (im)maturity, with its pixelated strippers and sexual innuendos, the connection becomes easier to make.

Well, me and friend are a lot older now and he's had his fair share of tail, but some things will never change: It will always be fun to blow the heads off of mutated pig-men with shotguns, and boobies are awesome in any form, including pixels. And Duke Nukem Forever looks to have both in spades.

Yes, folks, it's my pleasure to announce that the King is back, and this one isn't much for stuttering his way through long-winded speeches. Sure, he's got a few choice words for those foolish enough to get in his way, but as we're all aware by now, he's much more a man of action and his newest game has plenty of that.

It starts off simple enough with the first level taking place in a game within a game as Duke takes on the alien scum whose collective asses he kicked 12 years ago. As you celebrate your double digital victory, the camera pans out to reveal that our hero has just finished another mission at the same time: a double team BJ from the “Holsom Twins”. When questioned by the girls as to whether or not he enjoyed the game, he replies that it better be after 12 fucking years.

You see, since defeating the aliens all those years ago, Duke's become more than just another celebrity, he's become THE celebrity. No one is more popular or loved than he is. He never fails at anything whether it's climbing the highest peaks of the highest mountains or kicking the living shit of a giant shark. He's not accustomed to failure and enjoys the spoils of his fame from the top of his grand casino, “The Ladykiller”.

But things take an unexpected turn for the worst when those very same aliens come under the guise of peace and make a treaty with the President of the United States that's supposedly mutually beneficial to both races. But that quickly turns out to be total bullshit and the humble city of Las Vegas becomes ground zero for "Invasion, Take Two". Only this time it's personal, as they seem to be mobbing upon Duke-related businesses, such as Duke Burger restaurants and the man's very own casino. But of course they're not going to stop there and cross the line of no return when they start stealing the world's punani supply (that's a derogatory way of saying they're kidnapping women again). Sadly for them, no one told them that he's all out of bubblegum, and we all know what that means...

Time for the most hardcore, badass, over-the-top insane, misogynistic, alien balls-punching FPS action that you've ever seen in your entire life. Everything that made Duke Nukem 3D great is here and then some. Classic weapons, such as Duke's 9mm, the pulverizer and shrink ray, are back, along with a few new surprises.

You'll now be able to gain a larger health, or in this case “Ego”, bar by performing Duke-like actions, such as checking yourself out in the mirror, pumping insane amounts of iron, or taking the time out of your busy schedule to autograph a copy of your autobiography. You may have already figured out that this means the environmental interaction has been beefed up dramatically. Now not only can you take a leak in a toilet, you can aim while you piss, or take a turd out of the shitter and throw it against the wall like a disgruntled chimpanzee. Not everything is interactive, but there's enough to play with in the first level alone to keep you occupied for hours.

New vehicular levels will give you a chance to get behind the wheel of a plethora of groin-enhancing mean machines, like dune buggies and monster trucks, and make for a well-paced break from all the head-punching-ness. There's even a point where micro-sized Duke takes an RC car out for a ride around the casino.

With such a sick ass arsenal of toys behind him, you'd think the man would be unstoppable, but life is nothing without a challenge and if anyone was up for one, it's this guy. Don't expect this to be a walk through the park; just playing the game on Normal was formidable enough in the early levels. I can only imagine Hard mode is code for, “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!”. Games don't really present too much of a challenge anymore and it's looking like it's going to take a real man to show these Cogs, Space Marines, and fake Greek gods how business gets handled.

While the 90-minute demo I played of Duke Nukem Forever was far from the final version, there was enough there to leave me salivating for more. Will it live up to the hype that can only be amassed by over a decade of development, or will the king fall to his death gripping his balls and giving the world the finger? You'll get a chance to find out for yourself come May 3rd, 2011 on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. Here's to hoping we'll all be hailing to king one more time!