You're all soul, brother!
Figuring out what to play after BioShock Infinite
has been unsuccessful in the past few days. Apart from revisiting some retro games I've been meaning to replay again, there's been nothing new that's inspired me to pick up the controller again. Then I found Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
, covering at least a quarter of the space at Ubisoft's Digital Games Day. Deservedly and epically so.
I know that "awesome" is overused in video game articles, but Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
sets out to be the most terribly awesome - or is that the most awesomely terrible? - game of all time. I imagine that at some point during a brainstorming session at Ubisoft Montreal, the developers tried to conjure up something meaningful and interesting for Far Cry 3 DLC and after days of deliberation they threw up their hands and decided to put in every private power fantasies from their childhood.
To say that Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
is a love letter to '80s and early '90s retro video games and action flicks would be an understatement. It's more like if Arnold Schwarzenegger went back in time to terminate a gene-spliced clone of Mortal Kombat's Kano and Sylvester Stallone in First Blood, with Sub-Zero turned into a cybernetic super soldier fighting against a B-movie military force and a giant tyrannosaurus rex that fires lasers out of its eyes and eats things. No, really, the Blood Dragon does that. Good luck.
As a standalone expansion, Blood Dragon is essentially a skin over the Far Cry 3
overworld with pirates turned into cyborg soldiers, beasts turned into cyber-beasts, bases turned into what might as well be Shadaloo Fortresses, and
Jason Brody turned into Sergeant Rex Power Colt. His badassery over Jason is 1337: He can land safely from any height, breathe indefinitely underwater, takedown multiple enemies right from the start, speak in Ron Swanson one-liners, rip out the cybernetic hearts of his victims, and brofist his squadmate Spider with the power of Double Dragon
. If that weren't enough, he is also voiced by Michale Beihn from Terminator and Aliens.
It's Rex's mission to rid the jungle of Omega Force, sometimes by firing headshots at fools with an assault rifle and sometimes shooting a minigun from a helicopter while soul music plays in the background. Yeah, the script is intentionally stupid (that's the developer's words, not mine) in as humorous a way as possible. Instead of throwing stones to distract enemies, Rex throws d20s. (I mean, really
...) The tutorial is actually a highlight with Rex forced to bear the brunt of the terrible directions while he blurts out swear words the entire time: "Ah, just let me play, damn it!" But then how would he know that the 'B' button makes him utilize his quadriceps downward into an awkwardly balanced position near the ground?
Perhaps the greatest game of all-time and the most important game of your manhood, Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
will release May 1, 2013 for Xbox 360, PS3, and PC for the measly price point of $15.