7 dirty words you can't say on a website...
Hello readers, its me, your favorite ass kicker, Duke Nukem! Lemme ask you a question: Am I crude? I mean, I guess I can be little vulgar sometimes, but that's only because someone is pissing me off. They shouldn't do that, but it seems to happen all the time. Do you know who's pissing me off right now? Those wimp designers over at GT Interactive where they made Duke Nukem 64. Shit.
I remember clearly the day I saved Los Angeles from that horny alien menace. So I was excited when I sat down to play Duke Nukem 64 and heard my voice come out of the TV: "Those alien scum are gonna pay for blowing up my ride." Wait a second! How'd they change my voice? On that fateful day I definitely said "bastards" and not "alien scum". This was my first clue that I was in for a disappointing ride.
Yes, it's true my friends, those fat censor bastards bent me over and did me (metaphorically of course). Witness the politically correct Duke Nukem game. I'd cry if I weren't so fuckin' tough.
OK, OK. So if they want to take out the part where I tell that big alien boss, "I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck," I can understand that (and then there's that cute little movie where I actually do it). But they changed much, much more than that. There are no babes in Duke Nukem 64! They took all of 'em out. No more porn shop, no more dirty movie theater, and no more strip joint. Instead there's a gun shop and a 'Duke Burger' franchise. I never told those assholes they could put my name on a burger!
They changed the plot too. When the aliens captured babes, they stripped them and trapped them in alien goo. 'Kill me' they would whisper, 'kill me...'. So I put 'em out of their misery, even though it hurt me to do it. Not any more. Press a button and the fully clothed babes-in-goo disappear in a puff of sparks. "Babe Saved" it says. Bullshit.
So here's my point. I can blast my way through any location, mowing down anything that moves, and blowing up anything that doesn't. I can splatter the walls with blood and stuff grenades down someone's throat. But I can't even say the word 'bastard' or look at a fine pair of titties. So what if I'm a pig? That's the whole point, you idiots! It's parody! Glory in it! And rent a fuckin' sense of humor.
Oh yeah, the game. I almost forgot. It's not all bad. How could it be, since I'm the star? The backgrounds are good looking N64 polygons. The enemies are still big stupid-looking sprites, except for the final boss.
There are a few new weapons: a grenade launcher, a pair of sub-machine guns (very satisfying), and a plasma cannon which works like the BFG from Doom. However, they took some weapons out too, including the regular plasma gun, the freezer, and that great triple barreled machine gun. So it comes out about even.
There are 32 levels. 29 single player and 3 multi-player. Speaking of which, the multi-player game is good. You can blast your friends into tiny bits and listen to them scream. Or (and this is my favorite) you can play cooperatively with your friends and drop even more hurt on those alien bastards. The split screen works well and the game stays nice and smooth.
Another terrific new feature is Duke AI. Yes, they have programmed my mighty brain into the computer. So if you're a lame-ass and you have no friends, the Duke himself will be your friend and can control other multi-player characters in either cooperative or deathmatch mode.
So there is some good stuff here too. It's a shame they had to ruin the rest of the game. It really makes me mad that Mr. Pansy-Ass James Bond gets a better game than I do. I notice that nobody talks about taking away his babes, even if they're named 'Pussy Galore'.
So go ahead, Mr. Game Revolution Editor. Take all the swear-words out of my review. I dare you. Go ahead and cow-tow to the politically correct, humorless, puritanical, asshole censors who want to squash the fun out of everything. But I'm warnin' ya. I heard those bastards at GT are working on Taxi Driver next. They're gonna take out all the bad words and the babes and turn it into a 45 minute instructional driving video. So I'm going over there right now to kick ass and chew bubble-gum... and I'm not bringing any bubble-gum.