"Hey Lara...suck my boomstick!"
Now don't get me wrong. Lara Croft is one kick-ass babe. And you can take that to the bank, because if I know anything, I know babes and I know kicking ass. Not only does she know her way around a weapon, she's got tits 'till Tuesday. I've got plenty of.. uhhh, what's that word... respect for the girl. But I'm here to say there's nothing a chick can do that the Duke can't do also.
Those programmers at GT have come a long way to redeem themselves after that ass-whupping I gave them over that lame Duke Nukem 64 mistake. In making their next project based on my life, they took my 'suggestions' to heart and made a pretty damn good game out of Duke Nukem: Time To Kill.
The first thing I noticed was that the traditional first-person view is gone. You get to watch me run around in all my massive glory, and damn if I don't make it look easy fighting alien scum.
Did I mention they were back? Well, it's true. Those alien bastards didn't learn their lesson. This time they brought a time machine along with them in order to screw up the Earth's past and take out the Duke for good. Think I'd let them get away with that? I didn't say they were the smartest aliens in the universe.
I had to chase those idiots through the streets of L.A., the Old West, the Middle Ages, and even Ancient friggin' Rome. A little thing like linear space-time isn't gonna stop me when I get angry. Those aliens are history.
Anyway, back to the game. Actually, it plays almost exactly like Tomb Raider. Hats off to Lara, she's got the most beautiful pair... nevermind. I can run and jump and climb and explore unlike any previous Duke Nukem game. But what about the combat? What about the mayhem? Never you fear. I can still raise hell with the best of them.
Time to Kill is much more combat oriented than Tomb Raider and it shows in lots of subtle ways. The follow cam, for example is particularly smart and always gives you a good combat view instead of whizzing around to all kinds of useless angles. You can run, strafe, duck, roll and even stand still and zoom in for some accurate sniper action. There are 15 different satisfying weapons, from crossbows to alien energy weapons, and even the Holy Hand Grenade. Hell yeah! Just count to five and throw. [Ed note: Actually, it's three.]
The graphics are nice and sharp. They move a little faster than Tomb Raider, but then again, we haven't seen what tricks Tomb Raider III has to offer yet. The sound is also excellent, with good mood setting music for every era.
How about a little deathmatch? Two players can battle it out in classic split-screen style. The framerate drops a little, but it's still good fun. You can't do that with Lara.
I may make it look easy, but this game is hard. There are 28 huge, unforgiving levels, and you can only save at the end of each one. Think you pansies will just use some cheat codes? Don't be such a wuss. Suck it up and tough it out like a real man. You'll enjoy it more, and it will last longer, too.
That reminds me... how could one of my adventures be complete without some babes? In this case, the Duke gets to sample babes from all throughout time. On top of that, the girls are in 3D. I'll take a 3D girl over a flat one any day of the week. They'll still do anything for a dollar.
And if you happen to have any of those dollars left after you've had your fun with the babes, go pick up a copy of Time to Kill (gotta keep your priorities straight). It's damn good fun and puts a new twist on some classic Nukem action. My ass might not be as nice to look at as Lara's, but who wants to stare at an ass all day when you can go out and kick some instead?