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Army Men: Sarge's Heroes Review

Duke_Ferris By:
Duke_Ferris
12/01/99
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION
EMAIL TO A FRIEND
GENRE  
PLAYERS 1- 4 
PUBLISHER 3DO 
DEVELOPER  
RELEASE DATE  

Tennn' HUT!

At ease, men. It is the greatest honor of your life to be a Green beret. Your honor, your duty, your training - these are all privileges that you must hold dear. Perhaps the greatest thing you can hope to achieve in your lifetime is to accept and perform a dangerous suicide mission. I am looking for a volunteer, and I know that every one of you good men is up to the task.

Scorch, that's a nice flamethrower you got there, but there might be more heat than you can handle if you accept this mission. How about you, Shrap? You'll need to do more than just lob mortars from the other side of the hill. And you, Thick, do you even understand what I'm saying under all those muscles? We will probably need your bazooka, Riff. Hoover, which one of us would cross an innocent looking field before you had checked it for mines?

Sarge, you look like a willing candidate for the job. Eager, perhaps. Let me tell you what dangers lie ahead.

Gentlemen, Vikki has been kidnapped by General Plastro of the evil Tan army. To get her back, you will need to face countless Tan soldiers, tanks, helicopters and even robots. Stranger enemies await you as well: giant insects from another world.

The Tan Army has captured portals to a strange world of giants. When you travel to these worlds, you will find yourself engaged in combat through giant kitchens, bathrooms, and an enormous sandcastle. While the otherworldly battlegrounds are interesting, there are only 5 of them, and that's out of 16 levels in total. So, at least this will not be a very long assignment.

However, the Tan Army will not be your only enemy. While your Green Army commanders are concerned about your health, their technology is limited. Your plastic bodies have been buffed to a high sheen, but other than that, the army will supply you with only standard grunt graphics.

The big problem is that new Tan technology has jammed your camera. Throughout your dangerous mission, you will find it nearly impossible to see where you are going or even spot the enemy. As you run, your camera will get caught on objects and show you dozens of unhelpful angles as it struggles to keep up with your turns. Nothing is more frustrating to a Green soldier than being hit by enemy fire from a Tan unit that you cannot even see. Cheer up soldiers! Nobody said the army was for wimps.

Fortunately the Green army can provide you with improved sniper abilities. With your .50 caliber sniper rifle you will be able to accurately zoom in on Tan soldiers from a long distance. One shot to the head and it's plastic chunks on the ground and smooth sailing for you.

The rest of the arsenal is up to muster as well. Our commanders would never allow you to go out unarmed. You'll discover the combat shotgun to be useful at close range and the M-60 is perfect for strafing. The bazooka will help you against the enemy armored vehicles and the grenades and mortars allow you to eliminate big groups of soldiers and buildings too. The flamethrower will turn any Tan soldier into a heap of bubbling plastic in seconds, and with mines you can insure that nobody sneaks up behind you.

Don't get too excited though, I've saved the worst for last. These weapons won't help you as much as you think. Gentlemen, I have met the enemy, and he is us. You will discover your own body to be your worst enemy on this mission. Your control over your own limbs will be sluggish and unwieldy. You will find it nearly impossible to turn to face the enemy. You will get frustrated as you get shot time after time because you can't tell how far you've turned, and then you cant see in front of you because the camera hasn't moved yet. Even the simplest tasks, like leaving a building through the door will prove difficult.

That's the situation in a nutshell, gentlemen. Which one of you is man enough for the task? I notice that you're no longer smiling, Sarge. I'm looking for a soldier with character and true grit; a soldier that is not afraid to give 150% for the Green Army. This mission will test your loyalty and …. Aw hell, screw it. I'm going AWOL. Let's ge the hell outta' here. Who's with me? Sarge? I'll buy the first round of beer....

D Revolution report card
  • Some good levels
  • Cool weapons
  • Awful camera
  • Too short
  • Bad gameplay
  • Worst control ever
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