It’s called Crusty Demons.
That’s really all you need to know about Crusty Demons. I mean, I could go on and explain the gameplay, the fact that it’s a crummy Tony Hawk rip-off featuring cool crashes and absolutely nothing else, but why? Crusty Demons!
So if you’re looking for a technical breakdown of the game’s various features and insight into its particulars, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. That’s not meant to be a personal slight to you or Evolved Games, but rather an act of literary survival by a writer who’s brain is bursting with terrible jokes. The mind reels, the synapses sputter, the puns riot as they make a mad dash for the monitor in an attempt to say retarded things about a game called Crusty
This much, I will tell you: the game is not about morning eye boogers, satanic rye bread or crackhead underwear models. I think. Crusty Demons, Crusty Demons.
Hmmm. I am being told by my superiors that, contrary to what you and I believe to be important in life, it is important for GR that I actually explain bits about this game. I am being instructed by those with the power to pull the plug that if I don’t review Crusty Demons in a more conventional sense, I will be reprimanded. I suspect such punishment will involve me being forced to play more Crusty Demons.
Fine, fake bosses, have it your way. After staring at the manual, I have discovered the Crusty Demons (hahahahaha!) are a bunch of extreme, real-world motocross riders who apparently have sold billions of videos worldwide by filming themselves doing insane things on bikes. This bland truth saddens me, although not as much as the fact that we didn’t include this in our Worst Game Names Ever
’ main story mode stars the titular gang in a plot so off-the-charts insane, it was stolen from Twisted Metal
. Just prior to dying, the crew meets the Devil, who allows them to earn back their souls by racing all over the world and doing damage to property because that’s as evil as this wuss of a demon gets. To make his dumb plan feasible, Satan waves his magic fork and presto - the Crusty Demons are immortal and can hurt themselves over and over again without doing any real damage. It’s like that part in Groundhog Day
, just without the laughter and enjoyment.
So you pick a rider and a bike and start
kickflipping driving your way through Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Crusty Demons. This involves fulfilling certain requirements on each extreme level, like collecting a bunch of stuff, breaking a bunch of stuff or jumping across a bunch of stuff, invariably leading to another level, and so on, and so forth, and Crusty Demons.
The mechanics are yanked out of every extreme sports game ever. You jump, you trick, and you pop a wheelie to extend combos. Unlike manualing in Tony Hawk, though, wheelies are accomplished simply by pressing Down. This makes racking up huge combos a snap, especially since it’s really hard to land badly. You can rotate sideways and come down with your wheels in perfect wipeout form, but still miraculously touch down and score. How crusty.
Crashing, however, is certainly not hard to do. In fact, it’s what you do most. The more brutal the crash, the better, as the game doles out minor point rewards for broken bones, shattered skulls and gallons of blood donated to the pavement. A “bail” button lets you manually trigger disasters, making for some truly disgusting and temporarily entertaining crashes as you fling your rag-doll body headfirst into, well, everything.
Then an hour goes by, and you just wish your Crusty Demon
would keep his crusty ass glued to his crusty bike. Though the game is enormously forgiving with landing tricks, the levels are set up to encourage as many crashes as possible, with awkward lines, blocked paths and inconvenient edges everywhere. After the fiftieth crash, you’re sort of over it, which means you’re over Crusty Demons
Is that enough, slave-driving bosses? Must I describe in depth the bad physics engine and smattering of repetitive, insignificant play modes? Shall I rant about the wildly uneven mission difficulty? How about the irritating sound effects, creaky animations and no-name metal soundtrack? Are you THAT crusty?
I hope not, because I can’t contain the deluge of lame jokes in my frontal lobe for much longer. Crusty Demons is a pretty bad game, folks, one that blindly robs from plenty of better games and only avoids the GR toilet because it lets you hurt yourself a lot. And the only thing more painful than landing on your head is getting scratched by a crusty...oh, forget it.