More Reviews
REVIEWS Loadout Review
What do you really expect of a shooter these days? Loadout probably already has it somewhere in gobs of gameplay, but you won’t hear me saying it’s worth your time.

Dokuro (PC) Review
Dokuro makes the jump from handheld to PC, but does it help or hinder this unusual platformer?
More Previews
PREVIEWS Magicka 2 Preview
How does that sing-along song go? "Magicka 2, Magicka 2, for the Playstation 4, and the PC, too..."
Release Dates
NEW RELEASES Persona 5
Release date: 12/31/14

Motorcycle Club
Release date: 01/01/15

Atelier Ayesha Plus: The Alchemist of Dusk
Release date: 01/14/15

Saints Row: Gat out of Hell
Release date: 01/20/15


LATEST FEATURES GameRevolution's Top 25 Xbox 360 Games - 2014 Edition
Pull yourself away from that Xbox One for a few minutes and join us as we look back on some of the very best games that graced Microsoft's last-gen console.

Yakuza 5: Good Game With a Few Pacing Problems [Hands-on Preview]
I like this, but will others be OK with the change?
MOST POPULAR FEATURES GameRevolution’s PlayStation Store Holiday Gamer Guide
Looking to download a few classics for your PlayStation hardware over the holidays? Save money, stay inside where it’s warm, and get by with these downloadable games.

LEADERBOARD
Read More Member Blogs
FEATURED VOXPOP ryanbates
Gamer Love
By ryanbates
Posted on 12/19/14
When a player one meets his or her player two, it's a beautiful thing. Check out this cake my friend and GameRevolution reader Lindsey L. gave her sweetums on their two-year anniversary!   ...

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review

Ben_Card By:
Ben_Card
09/15/09
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION
EMAIL TO A FRIEND
GENRE Action 
PLAYERS 1- 2 
PUBLISHER EA 
DEVELOPER EA 
RELEASE DATE  
T Contains Fantasy Violence

What do these ratings mean?

More like G.I. NO!


Let’s get the important part out of the way first: This game is awful. I’ll expand on that in just a minute, but if you are considering a purchase, DON'T. It’s worse than the movie, if only because you have to participate in the crappiness.

click to enlargeNow that that’s out of the way, let’s dissect G.I. Joe’s undeniable shittiness. It’s an overhead style shooter in the vein of Smash TV, with guns that have the same capacity for ammunition as the ones you get in Contra but only half as great. And a Gears of War-style cover system of hiding behind the nearest wall like a pussy (Really... what kind of Real American Hero hides when shit gets hectic?). Worst, its story is actually worse than the shitty plot of the lousy movie it’s based on. I know that’s been mentioned already, but there isn’t much else to say.

G.I. Joe feels less like a full game and more like a game you would unlock after beating the actual game. For the first level or so, I was waiting for the real game to get moving and leave this unfinished arcade knock-off in the dust for something more complete.

Alright, alright, the core gameplay is at least functional. You shoot your guns and the baddies die eventually, though why it takes 30+ bullets to kill a normal baddie is beyond me. Cover is destructible, so staying put will result in an early grave, though dying has no significant consequence. Whenever you “die”, you switch to controlling your A.I. partner until your dopey ass respawns, which only takes about five seconds. Since dying has virtually no penalty, advancing through the game isn’t so much a matter of skill as it is a question of how much monotony one can endure. There’s local co-op, but no online mode, which is just as well since I can only hope that hardly anyone bought this. With game as lousy as it is, the local multiplayer is about as good as it can be.

click to enlargeThere are twelve different types of G.I. Jerks to choose from so you get a little variety within the blandness. You can play as Snake Eyes, but that’s hardly a reason to shell out $50. There is also this stupid mechanic where at a certain point in combat you can activate your accelerator suits, which makes you invulnerable for a brief period while wielding massive guns that all have ridiculous firepower. What makes this stupid is exactly when it becomes available. Your little “go ape-shit” meter fills up with time and by taking damage; but it only ever seems to be full when a fight is almost over, leaving you with only one or two baddies to kill, a single shot each, as you waste the rest of your super-power time trying to get to the next encounter so it doesn’t all go to waste.

(I’ve been asked to mention the G.I. Joe game for the NES and now that it’s been mentioned, there’s no need to dwell on it.)

The graphics are… well… shitty. There isn’t a nice way to say it. They hardly even belong in the PS2 era. In fact, I take back what I said earlier about its similarities to Contra, Smash TV, and Gears of War, because it really doesn’t deserve to be compared to any good games. After seeing what the average XBLA game looks like, releasing a game that looks this bland and unfinished should get you fired… out of a cannon.

click to enlargeWhen this showed up at the GR office, I was admittedly excited. “Great!” I thought, “Another movie tie-in to surprise the world!” I mean, X-Men Origins: Wolverine was great, The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena could have been fucking awful given the source material but wasn't, and hell, Wanted: Weapons of Fate was head and shoulders above all expectations.

But such was not to be with G.I. Joe. The shooty stuff is okay, the cover is fine, the difficulty is all but nonexistent given your inability to die, but the worst part of all of this, the real slap in the face, is that it costs FIFTY !@#$ING DOLLARS. If this had been like 400 Microsoft points (or even less, really) or a free download, it would have been a nice little incentive, but EA in their infinite wisdom have deemed it necessary to charge you for this sub-par mediocrity . No, I’m being unfair, sub-par mediocrity would have been better than this suckfest.


D- Revolution report card
  • Very few typos
  • Shitty graphics
  • Bland story
  • Not challenging at all
  • No online support (not that anyone cares)
    Reviews by other members
    No member reviews for the game.


More from the Game Revolution Network




comments powered by Disqus

 


More information about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra