When I say Kakuto Chojin
, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Is
it a rare
type of sushi
? Some kind of newfangled
, perhaps? No, Kakuto Chojin
is actually a vortex
of inept fighters from gutters around the world attempting to form some kind of
second-rate fight club on the Xbox. Anyone get that?
I have to admit that I knew nothing about Microsoft's first entry into the fighting genre before it showed up on the GR doorstep. It was all wrapped up in nice shiny cellophane, but for some reason it had a familiar, funny smell to it. So with no preconceived notions in mind, I took my handy blade and hacked my way into the box. As I popped in the disk and started it up, the stench hit me like the elephant enclosure a few hours after feeding time.
was the smell of a bad game. And though my instincts screamed at me to remove
the disk before permanent damage was done, I thought of you, dear reader, and
the agonizing pain that you would suffer if I did not spread the word.
So just what's wrong with Kakuto Chojin
, you ask? Honestly, there are
so many things going wrong here that I don't know where to begin.
How about the story, which is so confusingly pseudo-existent that I can't
begin to comprehend what was going on in the cranial masses of those behind
its existence. Can't figure out what the hell I just said? Congratulations and
welcome to the 'story' of Kakuto Chojin
. The instruction "diary" sets
up some kind of story about an underground fighting circuit, complete with background
bios on all the characters that hint at some kind of plot. Then you play the
game and experience no plot whatsoever. Even Dead
had some kind of weird dialogue and cut scenes. Kakuto Chojin
has no real dialogue, no cut scenes and just barfs out some lame text epilogue
at the game's conclusion. What the heck is this whole thing about? I don't really
expect a fighting game to have a story, but this is insulting.
a fighting game, is it not? So, can someone tell me where these guys learned how to fight? Did someone publish a "Martial Arts for Dummies" book? The fighting system used here just doesn't make much sense at all. For instance, there are no punch or kick buttons - only commands like high, medium and low. That means there's no way of telling if your character will throw a punch or a kick. Just like real life!
While I'm happy that the move list tries to get away from the conventional
quarter-circle Street Fighter
system, I hate the fact that it tends to
favor button-mashing. Many of the fighters have X, X, X type moves to complement
the X, X, Y moves. Sure, there are more moves than that (such as Y, Y, X or
the delightful X, Y, Y), but none of them take much skill at all. Button-mashers
This leads to a really, really easy game. On my very first trip though without even looking at the move list, I was able to complete the game. I lost ONE round, but I guess nobody's perfect.
disappointing is that the fact that the fighting isn't even fun to watch. Dead
had plenty of fancy throws and counters. Mortal Kombat
the really cool fatalities. Even UFC
had some cool submissions. What
does Kakuto Chojin
have? Punch. Kick. Ow. Game over.
Yet another low point is the level design. All you get is simple arena after
arena. No breakable objects, no multiple levels - just a small ring, plain and
simple. The box claims that Kakuto Chojin
is "back alley brutal," yet
there are no real back alleys. Did they realize what great arenas they could
have included? Toss opponents into garbage bins, use homeless drunks for cover,
smack adversaries into broken glass for more damage! The possibilities are endless.
What a shame.
And while I'm not the subject of bad design, let's not forget the characters. I don't expect a bunch of fancy ninjas and sexy women, but man, what kind of ugly farm are these guys from? I've seen better-looking fighters in a Sea Monkey tank.
Despite their poor design, the fighters are well-rendered and shinier than
a new nickel. Even the plain Jane arenas have decent texturing to them. Indeed,
the one thing that Kakuto Chojin
manages to get right is the graphics.
Unfortunately, they forgot about the gameplay.
Kakuto Chojin does try to do some good with the simultaneous four-player
multiplayer game, but due to its weak fighting system it doesn't amount to much
All Kakuto Chojin manages to do is stumble around in the ring and get
knocked out. A weak fighting system and more disappointments than Mike Tyson
lead to one of the worst brawlers I've seen in a while. Throw in the towel,
this fight's been over since the first round.