Mummy-say Mummy-sa mama-ku-sucks!
Question: How do you make a good video game based on a bad movie? Answer: You
don't. Case in point, The Mummy Returns
, the latest patch of fungus to
invade the PS2. It's based on The Mummy Returns
, which was based on The
, which was based on the theory that we'll watch just about anything
as long as it has lots of CGI. The game has the same kind of rip-off sensibility
as the film and, like offal and odor, they go together just fine.
is similar to your standard, run-of-the-mill third person
action game in that there are platform elements, puzzles, and the compulsory
key quests. Where The Mummy Returns
departs from the standard is how
it seems to strive to be as boring as possible.
The game's only claim to fame is the fact that you can play as either Rick
O'Connell (disheveled adventurer and resident goober with all the convincing
ruggedness of a half melted dish of vanilla ice cream) or Imhotep (an albinistic
pseudo-Egyptian reminiscent of a petulant Mr. Clean suffering from occasional
eczema flare-ups). In fairness, the characters look like their movie counterparts,
including the Scorpion King.
But no matter how you slice it, you are playing a lame character who can't
do much and doesn't look good doing the things he can do. It may truly be the
only game where your character's shadow looks like you're being pursued by a
pair of disembodied penny loafers. Rick O'Connell's combo kicks, punches, and
sword attacks are about as fluid and graceful as a Tai
Chi Chuan routine
performed by a drunken finger puppet.
After he's slapped them around like red-headed step children, Imhotep uses
magic to suck the soul from his opponents a la Soul
. This sounds way cooler than it is.
Basically, you know a game's in trouble when the only good thing you can think
of to say about the combat is the fact that you can still carry a torch while
fighting. You can't hit anybody with it, but you can at least see whose ass
is getting kicked.
If The Mummy Returns'
true aim is to numb players into a mindless stupor,
it is aided in this endeavor by it's Stygian darkness. Corridors and passageways
are dark, endless and indistinguishable as you wander around, navigating these
interiors with a camera which is cardinally oriented to your feet. It is impossible
to see what stands in front of you just a few yards away. The look button, which
you would think could be of some assistance, has problems of its own and will
only offer a 45 degree window of vision and is helpful only in the most general
sense (i.e. determining whether you are facing the direction you think you are
or to see who is standing in front of you).
you get lost, you can refer to a very pretty assortment of three dimensional
maps that would leave even Magellan stymied. Your location on the map is marked
by a glowing icon with no indication of the direction that you are facing. Rotating
the map only serves to disorient further. Frankly, the map is about as effective
for navigation as a d'Anjou pear.
One of the worst features of this game is the incorporation of the "retard"
button, a single button that performs nearly all of the platform movements like
climbing, jumping, etc. While this button scheme is a blessing for those players
out there who have accidentally gotten four of the five digits on their right
hand lopped off in a tragic mishap, it is a nightmare of frustration for those
of us who still possess five fingers and an opposable thumb. Not only does it
place massive limitations on what your character can actually do, it means that
you must accomplish jumps over deadly traps with a button which will act as
a combat "block" until you are at the very edge of something jumpable, in which
case it will change to a "jump" button at the very last moment. This sort of
thing will cause you to die a lot in the same place, and that's never a good
You encounter a fair amount of enemies throughout The Mummy Returns
Expect to see every denizen of negative energy that populated the movie; the
game follows the movie fairly faithfully. However, the computer AI is as weak
as H. Ross Perot after a couple deep knee bends. Opponents will sometimes stand
still, seemingly unconcerned about being perforated with bullets, or they will
run right past you and keep going. Stupid enemies just add to the game's brevity
The game doesn't even have an opening cinema to recommend it, which is pretty
pathetic for a vehicle based on a film filled with computer animation. What
we do get is a long-winded monologue and a smattering of sad looking computer
generated lead-in scenes voiced by a bunch of people who were not in the movie.
Characters don't move their mouths when they talk and they bob their heads around
. The lack of any extras completes the effect - this game plays like
Recommending this game for a rental would be giving it too much credit. It's
not fun and does no credit to its big screen sibling. Save your money for something
less painful, like a bikini wax or unanaesthetized dental surgery.