PlayStation Vita Taco Bell Box: Reckoning Review

Don't ever question my dedication to the readers.

Seriously, I love everyone who reads GameRevolution. I've danced, I've embarrassed myself, and now I've even put my guts on the line. Literally, my intestines and stomach and anus are are about to take a beating... for you.

When Taco Bell and Sony announced a partnership to give away a PlayStation Vita every 15 minutes, I was skeptical... to say the least. What I originally wrote was:

Are You So Excited for the PlayStation Vita You Might Mess Your Pants?

Sony's latest partnership centers around the Vita, burritos, and the bathroom, where you can play your new PlayStation Vita should you eat any of the food you buy to win one.

Now I'm left with... nothing. I've sold myself to the little chihuahua devil, and I don't even have a free PlayStation Vita to show for it. So now I'm here... after hours in the GameRevolution compound, and I'm going to tear this goddamn messy food a new one before it tears me one first.


I picked up the Beefy Burrito Crunch box. Inside was a Crunchy Taco, a Crunchwrap Supreme, and the namesake Beefy Crunch Burrito. That's a lot of crunch, a lot of beef, and bunch of strange sour-cream-esque liquid. Seriously, what the hell is that stuff? Who invented it? Why didn't I look at the nutrition facts before I spent $5 on this thing?

Let's start with the Crunchy Taco. It was a damn sight better than Jack-in-the-Box's $0.99 tacos. The shell was crunchy, to be sure, but could you melt the cheese before you feed it to me? It almost felt like they had sprinkled some ashy shredded clay on top of the taco. Pass.

Now for the Beefy Crunchwrap Supreme. I admit that I've had this particular item before, but somehow the culinary experts at my local Taco Bell managed to both burn it to a crisp and make it soggier than a dog in the rain. How did this happen? I've constructed an elaborate recreation in my head:

Manager: Hey! JOEY! Where's the Crunchwrap Supreme?!

[Cut to Joey. Panic sets in. The Crunchwrap Supreme has been sitting on the stove for far too long. One side face down on grill is completely black. Joey's sense of symmetry takes hold. He cranks up the heat and flips over Crunchwrap to completely burn the other side. Satisfied with himself, Joey starts to mop the floor.]

Manager: JOEY! Bring me that Crunchwrap! Hurry up!

Being the sonofabitch he's always been, Joey throws a tantrum, picks up the customer's food and throws it into the mop bucket.

Joey: Whoops! PFFFFFTTTTT (fart noise)

... and that's how my food ended up the way it was.


On to the Beefy Crunch Burrito (not pictured). Again, completely soggy. The tortilla was burned, making the outside the crunchy bit, while on the inside, a bunch of soggy red tortilla chips mocked me with their burning red... artificial coloring. You know what Beefy Crunch, go fuck yourself. Seriously. You are one arrogant asshole. I'm tired of your bullshit.

Half-star out of five. Try me again, Beefy Crunch Burrito. See that half a star go away.