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Posted on 08/01/16
The only thing that stops the dust is the rain. It’s a sweet reprieve, but there is no middle ground. The land is either as dry as the Betty Ford clinic, or as wet as the ocean floor. Everything can be seen from the ridge overlooking Armadillo as John Marston gently bounces along atop...

Postal 2 Review

Duke_Ferris By:
GENRE Action 
PUBLISHER Running With Scissors 
M Contains Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Mature Humor, Strong Language, Use of Drugs

What do these ratings mean?

Pissing off the envelope.

Trying to shock and horrify people as a form of entertainment is an established tradition. Circus freakshows have been doing it ever since... well... the first circus freakshow. In the 50's, Rock and Roll appalled middle America over the radio and Congress even considered banning it. In 1960, Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho was so disturbing, it was supposedly going to turn us into a nation of crazed maniacs. And these days, the kids of South Park say things I never thought I'd hear on television.

So nobody should be surprised by a game like Postal 2, a crude violence-fest that thrives on the bad press it will doubtless receive once things get a little calmer in Iraq. But while Rock and Roll was a new art form, Psycho was a brilliant, landmark film and South Park is ruthlessly clever, Postal 2 is more like the circus freakshow. It's all shock value and little substance. It's even got midgets - or at least one midget named Gary Coleman.

You must take on the role of the oddly named Postal Guy, who does not work for the Post Office. You begin the game in your filthy trailer with your shrewish wife carping at you. She sends you out to go cash your paycheck to buy some drugs and pick up some milk. Swing by the tool shed to pick up a shovel and your drug pipe (dubbed "health pipes") and you're off. The shovel is, of course, the first of several weapons with which you can... go postal.

And going postal means you can do just about anything you like. The streets of Paradise City are full of citizens you can terrorize, although most of them are astonishingly well armed as well, so you have to be careful.

This is where the game gets shocking, because you can do more than just shoot people; the obscenity is really what the hucksters for this particular freakshow are trying to sell. I'm going to get it over with and just tell you some of the disturbing things you can do so we can move on.

Let's see how many of these make it past the GR censor: You can set people on fire and watch them run around, screaming until their burnt body collapses to the ground twitching. You can shove your gun up a cat's ass. You can unzip your pants and expose yourself to women on the street. You can blow a priest's head off with a shotgun and kick the bleeding head around the street like a soccer ball. You can walk up to a girl, beat her down with your shovel, and piss on her face. [Okay, I'm ready for the objectionable material now... - GR Censor]

So if that's the sort of thing you've been dying to pay $50 to do, this is the only game for you. Also, I recommend you turn yourself in to the police.

But to be fair, if you aren't already dreaming about these sorts of virtual atrocities, there's a cheap thrill in seeing how far you can go in Postal 2. I did all these things in the game, often with people looking over my shoulder offering helpful suggestions/teenage giggles/shocked horror. Like watching a car wreck, you just cant help but be fascinated...for a while, anyway.

The interesting thing is that you don't actually have to do any of these things. "It's only as violent as you are," claim the developers (and probably their lawyers) and that's true to a certain extent. You can complete most of the missions in the game without firing a shot, swinging your shovel, torturing a cat or whipping out your johnson.

But be prepared for some real-world frustrations as the game tries to make you go postal. Want to pick up your paycheck quietly? Get ready to be fired by your boss and entertained by his crude comments about your sister. Want to cash that check non-violently? You'll have to wait patiently in a long line in the bank for your turn, and you better carefully keep your place or someone will cut right in front of you. It's enough to drive you mad, which is by far the cleverest part of the game.

The rest of the game is anything but clever. The joke level is about that of an 8 year-old and potty humor abounds. I'm not sure if Gary Coleman was ever funny, and as long as their goal is to shock everyone, they might as well get offensive, too. The designers don't seem to know the difference between Hindus and Muslims, because they're all turban-wearing terrorists, right? And naming an arcade game "Fag Hunter" shows no humor value at all.

The one other decent part of Postal 2 (if you can use that word to describe the game) is its graphics. Epic's Unreal Warfare engine gives the game some visual flair with especially good textures and object physics. The models, on the other hand, are kind of blocky and move a little awkwardly. And if you're really shooting for graphic violence, at least let us blow off limbs like you in Soldier of Fortune 2.

Unfortunately, the game mechanics don't live up to the graphics. Hit detection is bad and enemy AI is even worse. They either just walk around or stand there shooting at you. And they never miss. Fortunately, you can take more shots than a Sherman tank, and if you get too hurt you can just take a few more hits off your "health pipe" to recover.

Once the gross novelty wears off, you'll discover that there's not a lot of game underneath, and even Hannibal Lecter would get bored after this many victims. Plus, there's no multiplayer, so don't expect to spread your psychosis to others, either.

There are some people out there who could probably have endless fun pissing on things or setting them on fire. Beavis and Butthead come to mind. They would probably laugh for hours at the rendered turds on the bathroom floor. But I got bored with Postal 2 in less time than it would take Beavis to spell "gratuitous." This freakshow just isn't worth the price of admission.

C Revolution report card
  • Decent graphics
  • Tries to make you go Postal
  • Fascinating like a car wreck
  • You don't
  • Shock value
  • And little else
  • Insults your intelligence
  • Lousy AI
  • Bad hit detection
  • No multiplayer

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