Hit in the Squeeballs.
Squeeballs are cute, little critters locked in toy store packaging. They have violent tendencies. They have a catchy theme song. They bounce. And you
are a toy tester, making sure they are ready for sale. You're supposed to like squeeballs. You're supposed to want to play with them. But they make it hard. You want to throw them as far as you can. Or hit them. Or knock them over with a bowling ball.
A handful of mini-games is what you'll find when you pop in the disc. But you've seen all these mini-games before. There are better, more original incarnations elsewhere.
There is a bowling game where the squeeballs are set atop pins, but the only innovation is that you can add spin to the ball. Unfortunately, the spin trick doesn't work well and is inconsistent. Remember Wii Sports
, which you got free with your Wii three years ago? That bowling game is better than this one.
Next, there is a game where squeeballs are a weird starting material for food products - Soylent Green, if you will. You send the squeeballs through meat grinders and graters, then chop them up and fry them in a pan. Remember Cooking Mama
? That game is better than this one.
Then, there are squeeballs that are shot out of a cannon and which you must hit with a tennis racket. Remember Wii Sports
, which you got free... wait a minute, I'm starting to repeat myself. But you get the picture – Squeeballs
is full of recycled games with second-rate execution set to a catchy soundtrack. Okay, the soundtrack isn't even that catchy.
Only a handful of games are available when you start, with a promise to unlock future games as play progresses. Unfortunately, you won't make it that far. Play becomes a chore very quickly. Most of the games are played better standing up, but you'll find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the couch cushions as repetition and poor controls set in. Soon, the only game you'll want to play is getting up and switching off the Wii.
This is definitely a party game, however. Not because it's fun at a party, but only because the single-player mode is so lackluster. Games that haven't been unlocked in multiplayer mode are not available to you here, so there's not even the chance to peek at what's to come.
Multiplayer mode lets you use one controller for up to four players taking turns, so at least you don't have to search for extra batteries. This may just be the only good feature of multiplayer. Head-to-head does use two remotes, and battles play out in split-screen.
But even here, Squeeballs
is so bad you'll be embarrassed to admit you own it. The split-screen will let you avoid eye contact with the poor sap you suckered in to playing this game with you (again, possibly the only good feature you'll find in head-to-head mode). Taking Squeeballs
out at a party would be the equivalent of throwing a Baby Ruth into a swimming pool. It's the ultimate party foul.
In homage to a review of another collection of mini-games called Furu Furu Park
, I submit my own haikus for the minigames in Squeeballs:
10 Pin Bowling
I can spin the ball?
Oh, it's totally random?
This is not bowling.
Bowling with lava?
You're selling me the same crap.
But now it's hot crap?
Paint By Squeeballs
Squeeballs at a blank canvas.
(Painting something wrong.)
Hit the Squeeballs hard.
Aiming Squeeballs is useless.
They go where they want.
They'll never taste good.
Cooking Squeeballs is stupid.
And now my arm hurts.
Cook, only faster.
Didn't I tell you my arm
Was hurting before?
A precision game.
Finally, this looks like fun
Oh, wait, wrong again.
If I keep pumping,
Will the entire game blow up?
Man, I sure hope so.
This is not like golf.
This is just Paint By Squeeballs.
All over again.
Squeeball Testing Belt
An assembly line:
Is this what happened to Ford?
I sense falling sales.
Shoot at the squeeballs?
Love to – thought you'd never ask.
I hate them dead, too.
As cute and as endearing as Squeeballs
tries to be, it just never hits the mark. Good try, Squeeballs
, good try. Now get back in the box!