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FEATURED VOXPOP Master_Craig
Welcome Home - PAX AUS 2014
By Master_Craig
Posted on 11/18/14
Last night I returned home from PAX AUS 2014. Long story short, it wasn't perfect, but it was quite possibly the best weekend I've had this year. It was a lot of fun. If you'd like to continue reading, the long story is just below. Buckle up. This is gonna be...

Squeeballs Party Review

windy By:
Windy
11/23/09
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION
EMAIL TO A FRIEND
GENRE Mini Games 
PLAYERS
PUBLISHER Performance Designed Products 
DEVELOPER Performance Designed Products 
RELEASE DATE  
E10+ Contains Cartoon Violence

What do these ratings mean?

Hit in the Squeeballs.


Squeeballs are cute, little critters locked in toy store packaging. They have violent tendencies. They have a catchy theme song. They bounce. And you are a toy tester, making sure they are ready for sale. You're supposed to like squeeballs. You're supposed to want to play with them. But they make it hard. You want to throw them as far as you can. Or hit them. Or knock them over with a bowling ball.

click to enlargeA handful of mini-games is what you'll find when you pop in the disc. But you've seen all these mini-games before. There are better, more original incarnations elsewhere.

There is a bowling game where the squeeballs are set atop pins, but the only innovation is that you can add spin to the ball. Unfortunately, the spin trick doesn't work well and is inconsistent. Remember Wii Sports, which you got free with your Wii three years ago? That bowling game is better than this one.

Next, there is a game where squeeballs are a weird starting material for food products - Soylent Green, if you will. You send the squeeballs through meat grinders and graters, then chop them up and fry them in a pan. Remember Cooking Mama? That game is better than this one.

Then, there are squeeballs that are shot out of a cannon and which you must hit with a tennis racket. Remember Wii Sports, which you got free... wait a minute, I'm starting to repeat myself. But you get the picture – Squeeballs is full of recycled games with second-rate execution set to a catchy soundtrack. Okay, the soundtrack isn't even that catchy.

click to enlargeOnly a handful of games are available when you start, with a promise to unlock future games as play progresses. Unfortunately, you won't make it that far. Play becomes a chore very quickly. Most of the games are played better standing up, but you'll find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the couch cushions as repetition and poor controls set in. Soon, the only game you'll want to play is getting up and switching off the Wii.

This is definitely a party game, however. Not because it's fun at a party, but only because the single-player mode is so lackluster. Games that haven't been unlocked in multiplayer mode are not available to you here, so there's not even the chance to peek at what's to come.

Multiplayer mode lets you use one controller for up to four players taking turns, so at least you don't have to search for extra batteries. This may just be the only good feature of multiplayer. Head-to-head does use two remotes, and battles play out in split-screen. But even here, Squeeballs is so bad you'll be embarrassed to admit you own it. The split-screen will let you avoid eye contact with the poor sap you suckered in to playing this game with you (again, possibly the only good feature you'll find in head-to-head mode). Taking Squeeballs out at a party would be the equivalent of throwing a Baby Ruth into a swimming pool. It's the ultimate party foul.

click to enlargeIn homage to a review of another collection of mini-games called Furu Furu Park, I submit my own haikus for the minigames in Squeeballs:

10 Pin Bowling

I can spin the ball?
Oh, it's totally random?
This is not bowling.

Crazy Lanes

Bowling with lava?
You're selling me the same crap.
But now it's hot crap?

Paint By Squeeballs

Catapult paint-soaked
Squeeballs at a blank canvas.
(Painting something wrong.)

Cannon

Hit the Squeeballs hard.
Aiming Squeeballs is useless.
They go where they want.

Cooking

They'll never taste good.
Cooking Squeeballs is stupid.
And now my arm hurts.

Feeding Frenzy

Cook, only faster.
Didn't I tell you my arm
Was hurting before?

Shock

A precision game.
Finally, this looks like fun
Oh, wait, wrong again.

Pumping

If I keep pumping,
Will the entire game blow up?
Man, I sure hope so.

Golf

click to enlargeThis is not like golf.
This is just Paint By Squeeballs.
All over again.

Squeeball Testing Belt

An assembly line:
Is this what happened to Ford?
I sense falling sales.

Stampede

Shoot at the squeeballs?
Love to – thought you'd never ask.
I hate them dead, too.

As cute and as endearing as Squeeballs tries to be, it just never hits the mark. Good try, Squeeballs, good try. Now get back in the box!
D Revolution report card
  • Cute characters
  • Catchy music... sort of
  • Not enough mini-games
  • All mini-games done better elsewhere
  • Some mini-games recycled within the game
  • Poor controls
  • Requires too much play to unlock
    Reviews by other members
    No member reviews for the game.


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