Zero Punctuation

Manifesto reader Lindsay sent in the (excellent) suggestion to feature more of Yahtzee's Zero Punctuation reviews. Well they're sort of review-flavored anyway although they're really just funny rants.

I watch them myself, but hardly ever put them in the Manifesto, which is just plain wrong. So here's his SSBM review, probably the only guy to get more SSBM hatemail than GR.

Best of E3 Awards

Game Revolution has had a judge on the official game critics' panel since it first began, this year, as in several others, the judge happens to be me. Here's a secret: we cheat.

You see, E3 isn't until July, but the judges tour for the "Best of E3" begins now. I'll be spending all week traveling around looking at contenders even though we are definitely not at E3 yet, unless the EA event today also involves a time machine.

This is my sneaky introduction to the fact that I'll be on the road a lot, and I'm not sure when I'll have time to write the Manifesto, so I'm taking submission ideas this week. Send me your links. Please, only the good really ones.

If you ...

Non-Violent Grand Theft Auto

When old-school GR writer Shawn Sparks stopped by the office today, he had his young son Shamus with him. He really wanted to test out GTA 4, but didn't feel it was appropriate in front of his son.

He looked really disappointed, and it occurred to me that there was no reason he couldn't play it with his son watching, because there was so much you can do in the game.

I told him, "Go ahead and play, just drive around town and don't shoot anyone. Call a friend and go bowling, take Michelle on a date, drive a cab and make some money, use an ambulance to help people in need. There's lots of stuff you can do."

And sure enough, for the next hour or so, young Shamus watched his dad playing Grand Theft Auto IV. ...

Portal Beer Steins

I just moved recently and I have enough room in my new place to have a kegerator again, and with this awesome portal conversion, I should be able to pour beer anywhere in the house.

You can buy the steins from cafepress here. For those of you who are also home brewers, I'm doing the Sanyo 4912 conversion.

Official GTA 4 Review Manifesto.

It took Jesse a full week of marathon gaming to create an informed opinion of Grand Theft Auto IV, and during that time we were deluged with "Where's your GTA 4 review?" emails.

If only these people would read the Manifesto or the forums. We can't always get games ahead of time, especially when Rockstar security is so tight.

Since you cannot comment directly on GR's official reviews (to stop them filling up with retarded crap), I am dedicating this Manifesto to the issue Please people, I cannot emphasize this enough, please read the entire review before commenting. Every word.

You don't have to agree with Jesse, you might think he's an idiot, but if he's going to be an ...

Happy Japanese Kirby, Angry American Kirby

Seriously, is it something in our water supply? Do the Japanese think that when Kirby comes to America, he suddenly gets angry and belligerent? Possibly even Xtreme?

I am U.S. Kirby! Grrrrrrrr! I will drop a bomb on you!

Best And Worst Tattoo At The Same Time

Or at least one of the funniest. Used to be that hardly anyone had tattoos, these days I'm in the minority (at least around here) by being 100% ink free. I just never found the inspiration, the moment of epiphany, to get a tattoo - whereas this guy found it in an unlikely place.

So there's a skit from The Whitest Kids You Know that's where a drunk guy gets a tattoo of Bowser in sunglasses, riding a surfboard, playing a double guitar, in front of a pot leaf, on top of a cross, with the message "Happy Birthday Rick".

Pretty funny skit, but comedy gold? Only when some guy went out and got the tattoo. That's either divine inspiration or blind stupidity.

Skit and picture below.

GTA IV, Drunk Driving, And... Sex!

In what might be one of the stupidest objections to Grand Theft Auto IV, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.) want the game to be rated AO because it allows drunk driving.

Why, they're just peachy-keen happy fine with the murder, prostitution, torture, drugs, racketeering, extortion, etc, etc, but that drunk driving... now that's bad stuff. Part of their official statement follows:

...MADD is extremely disappointed by the decision of the manufacturers of the game Grand Theft Auto IV to include a game module where players have to drive drunk. Drunk driving is not a game and it is not a joke. Drunk driving is a choice, a violent crime and it is also 100 percent preventable. MADD is calling on the Entertainment Software Ratings ...

GTA 4 First Impressions

Office productivity ground to a halt today as we all took turns mucking about with Grand Theft Auto IV. It took our front page mysteriously going back in time a month to get us back to our desks, panicking as usual.

There's no doubt about it, it's good. Whether it's actually an A or even the elusive A+ remains to be seen. However, I am not the one who will be writing the review. That honor, and the lucky recipient of any hate mail will be GR reviewer extraordinaire, Jesse Costantino.

Let me be blunt: We are not going to rush this thing. Jesse has as much time as he needs to do it right. He is not locked in a hotel room by Rockstar with a time limit like the early reviewers were. He has carte blanc to tell us when he's sure ...

The Other Frag Dolls Dot Com

I don’t play World of Warcraft for many reasons. One of which is the engagement ring that I’m still trying to pay off by reviewing such gems as Turok and Rainbow Six Vegas 2. My fiancée is okay with my gaming as long as its part of, you know, a job. But I’ve seen what WoW does to relationships, and it isn’t pretty.

But you know who is pretty? Sherry Myrow, the founder of gamerwidow.com. Myrow’s site is a forum for women (and men) who, like her, have found themselves ignored by their WoW-addicted mates. Winda Bendetti’s article, “Game Widows Grieve ‘Lost’ Spouses,” exposes the sad stories of a number of women whose own pastures have gone untilled while ...

GTA Deserving Of A Perfect Score?

Looks like my self-proclaimed wild speculation on Friday may have been unfounded. As the lucky publications with early access report in, Grand Theft Auto IV is turning into one of the highest rated games of all time.

Only a few journalists worldwide were allowed to play the game before tomorrow's launch. No review discs were sent to anyone. GR, unfortunately, did not make that short list. We're in the boat with everyone else except for our giant foam "shocker".

Selected writers were flown to New York or San Francisco where they were allowed to play in their hotel rooms as much as they liked for five days, all under the watchful eye of Rockstar security.

Their reports are unanimously ...

Rockstar Buys IGN's GTA 4 Review?

I have no actual proof, but wild speculation can only lead to one conclusion when IGN's "exclusive", first online review of the game gets a perfect 10.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure GTA 4 is a very good game, and I'm definitely looking forward to playing it. However, why would they grant an "exclusive" review if they weren't sure of the outcome? How much advertising money did Take 2 spend over at IGN?

Let's just say I'd be less suspicious if IGN had to review the title alongside the rest of us.

But enough about that.

After Chris Hudak's photo extravaganza of the Wrestlemania press tour (can you believe this is a job?) I ...

Wrestlemania/Walt Disney World Photo Essay

THQ's big, loud Wrestlemania SmackDown vs. Raw event in Florida was an awesome spectacle--we've previously posted some shots and video from the Wrestlemania night proper, but there was much more to that epic week. Between the Super Bowl-plus-sized crowds, some close-up interview time with the wrestlers themselves, the slight firework 'malfunction' you may have heard about, and being turned loose for days on end at Walt Disney World, I'm still reeling. My brain, eyes and ears still hurt--even my Mouse ears--and as a relative outsider to the WWE thing, I totally enjoyed every sensory-overload moment (especially when it looked like Duke might become a huge wrestling star's next target).

Here's a ...

Okami Art School

Moving, if you didn't know, sucks, and it got in the way of my Manifesto-ing yesterday. But I'll make it up to you today with a secret inside joke from Capcom.

As many of you may have seen already, Capcom accidentally shipped Okami for the Wii with an IGN watermark on the cover. Gee, I wonder where the graphic designer got their source material? Oops! Needless to say, however, they were not happy about it.

So yesterday, this video turns up on YouTube. It's pretty weird, but I happen to know it was some of the crew over at Capcom who made it.

The joke? Pause it on the order screen at the end and read the fine print: "Caution: Artwork may contain watermarks!"

So This Is What It's Come To?

Alright, I am as sick as the next American of the endless pre-pre-presidential campaign coverage, but this is so stupid I had to cover it. Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain will be appearing on WWE RAW tonight.

Are you kidding me? We're talking about (arguably) the most powerful position in the entire goddamn world. Is is so much to ask for a little fucking dignity? Don't get me wrong, I just went to Wrestlemania 24, and had a great time, but I have no ambitions (that you know of) to gain control of a nuclear arsenal.

So the candidates just want to prove that they're "normal folks". For my president, I do not want normal folks. Have you met normal folks? They're idiots.

Grand Theft Xbox 2

Yesterday morning at about 5:00 AM the vast Game Revolution compound was robbed. Two master criminals ripped a non-opening window out of the wall, climbed over the broken glass, tripped the alarm, stole two Xbox 360's (minus cords), and ran.

I know it was two of them, because amazingly, they came back. After the cops were done swarming the area, they went off about other business. I, however, did not. I caught one of them trying to sneak in the front door (which was unlocked because I was there).

He stammered, "Um, do you know when they open upstairs?"

"Which business?" I asked.

"Um, the man said they were open upstairs. Sorry." He closed ...

Halo Love Story

With all the accusations of inciting violence leveled at first person shooters, I thought today I'd share an email sent to us about a shooter that inspired not hate, but love. Take that, Jack Thompson. It's a bit too long for a mailbag, and although extremely geeky, it seems unsporting to poke fun at her.

From: Sarah Stark <************@hotmail.com>
Subject: Halo Love

I wasn't sure where I could send this... but thought it was interesting, and that it may give hope to fellow gamers.

My halo love story that I wanted to share…

Ever since the first Halo came out I have loved playing it. I was so anxious about the 3rd one coming out. I was playing it ...

Brilliant Reiview Of The First MMORPG "Outside"

A user over at Metafilter named aeschenkarnos cracked me up the other day with his review of "Outside". I'd love to be able to reprint the whole thing on GR, but I can't figure out how to contact him.

Traditionally Outside receives extremely high ratings by those who like to see others play it, and these people are in many cases comfortably ensconced Inside themselves. Outside was released many years ago, it was in fact the first massively multiplayer game, and yet it has always managed to avoid the double-edged Retro tag. In its favor, continual user updates have kept Outside current; there are always new things to see and do Outside. Participants are permitted, to some extent, to modify their own areas of Outside, which is a large ...

GR Goes To Pixar

GR writer and intrepid reporter, Windy, took the opportunity to go to Pixar Studios the other day to check out Wall-E and some games from THQ. She returns with the tale.

My day at Pixar Studios was filled with contrasts. The event was co-hosted by THQ, introducing the multiple-platform video games based on Pixar's new movie, Wall-E.

You know those companies that make top ten lists? Companies that push the envelope as far as employee freedom and creative work strategies? Well, Pixar is that company. Yes, they have a full-time on site masseuse. Yes, employees tool around the complex on Razor scooters. Every associate, from the cafeteria dishwasher to the CEO can devote a tenth of his work week to art, directing, and other ...

A Few Bugs, But The New Servers Are Rockin'

We could still use your help though. If you find any bugs, please post them in here or in the Grandmasters forum.

Game Revolution - Daily Manifesto