I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
I’m a Zen gamer. My main objective in reviewing is to become one with the game,
to understand its strengths and weaknesses, to discover its meaning and reveal
its intentions. I have studied my craft with rigorous zeal and focused passion.
I have dedicated my life to serving the needs of the gaming public. I am
your humble servant.
With that in mind, a brilliant plan raced through my head as I picked up my
copy of Simon & Schuster’s bartending game, Last Call. To truly understand a
game about drinking booze requires that the reviewer has a close appreciation
and profound love of alcoholic beverages.
As it turns out, I am that reviewer. Behold the plan:
The following was written while downing large quantities of Jose Cuervo Gold
Tequila. One shot was taken every 10 minutes to ensure full drunken stupor by
the end of the review. And for the record, I hereby apologize to the lady who
lives in apartment 101. I didn’t realize it was 3:00 am, but you have to admit
that I’m one helluva drummer.
First off, it’s important to understand that Last Call isn’t really a
hardcore game. Alongside games like the S&S spoof Deer Avenger, Last
Call falls into the “diversion” game genre. You’re not going to sit glued
to your monitor for hours on end. You’re not going to lose sleep, your job,
or your girlfriend. You’re certainly not going to scour the Internet for walkthroughs
or codes. What you are going to do, however, is learn how to make drinks.
Whew…I should have a chaser next time… The gameplay is pretty simple. You’re
a bartender and it’s your duty to distribute drinks to the drunks (say that
5 times fast). You have at your disposal a wide assortment of booze, everything
from your basic beer in a bottle to bottomless quantities of whiskey. You’ve
also got all the expected accoutrements, from grenadine to lime juice to that
magnificent martini marble, the olive. Your goal is to serve as many patrons
as possible within a certain time limit.
Hmmm…little woozy… The coolest thing about Last Call is the fact
that you actually learn how to make various drinks. Someone will order a gin
and tonic. You need to pick the right glass, add the right amount of each ingredient,
then serve it up and hope that you got it right. This means stirring or shaking,
adding a lemon or lime twist, and even remembering to add soda water after you
mix the drink. Things get really hectic when the bar gets crowded…just wait
until you’ve got three orders to fill, two of which are Long Island Iced Teas.
And to top
it off, many of the drinks you’ll have to make are not exactly…normal. A Screwdriver
is easy enough, but how about a Bahama Mama? Trust me, you’ll be stumped at
least once. To help you out, there’s a nifty little pop-up recipe book. Great
in the game…but just try that in a real bar.
The…um…graphics ‘n sound. Hic! Yeah, so the graphics are okay, y’know. The
people who come up to the bar are all cartoony and stuff. There’s these guys,
these guys come up and they’re all “hey man, gimme a drink,” and you’re all
“alright man, hang on a second.” But the guys look cool, y’know. They’re all
cartoony. And the sound is really good, too. There’s all these songs you can
play and the guys at the bar say funny stuff.
But I mean some of thish shucks. But c’mon! I mean c’mon! There’s jusht not
that much tah do. Yer jusht doing the shame things over and over and over again.
It gets booooring. Plush, it gets irritating if you try to play for like more
than like 10 minutes at a time. Jusht boring, y’know? Hic!
What about shomething like you have to shlide the drink down the bar to the
guy? Or like having to move up ta better bars like Tom Cruise in Cocktail? Hey,
didja shee Top Gun? I can’t believe Goose died, man! That sucked! Goooooooose!
I mean it, man. It’sh like fun for a little bit but it getsh old. And then
the guys at the bar say the same thing over and over and then yer like, “Hey!”
PARTY! WOOOOOHOOO! Yeah! Lasht Call is the best game ever! I love this
game it’s the best game ever! WOOO! Yeah! Hey man, stop looking like that at
me! Up yours! No man, yer the bitch, bitch! No, you! Hey! WOOOHOO! I love you,
… … gurgle gurgle…huh? Whaazat? Lasht Call? Oh man, that’s the worst game
ever….I think I’m gonna barf…
Shot #8 – PASSED OUT
It is now the day after. Head stinging from 8 shots of Tequila in one hour.
Argh. So anyway, the bottom line is that Last Call will teach you how
to make drinks, which is very cool, but it’s just not much of a game. This is
meant to be played in place of Solitaire, not Starcraft.
At a mere 20 bucks, prospective bartenders and raging alcoholics have to pick
it up, but casual drinkers might just want to pass…out….ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….
Never listen to a drunk. Click
here for the demo.