Smash Bros Ultimate Will Make You Attractive and More Popular

Are your social skills lacking? Do you find people awkwardly shuffling away from you at parties, desperately reaching out for conversation with anyone else who isn’t you? Well, you’re in luck: Super Smash Bros Ultimate looks to bridge that gap between you and other, functioning human beings. In a new commercial for the game, Nintendo showcases how punching Kirby in his stupid vacuum mouth could bag you more friends and make you more attractive.

The Nintendo Switch will allow players to enjoy Smash Bros “anytime, anywhere.” If you’re a shut-in cuck, your imagination probably limits you to either playing in your own home or on the commute to work. But Nintendo — a company for cool kids now that it has successfully bleached away the memory of the Wii U — has other plans. Let’s take a look at the locations in which you can play Smash Bros Ultimate as outlined in its latest commercial, and why the game will clearly benefit your interpersonal relationships.


You Can Play it On the Side of a Bridge

Nintendo shows its hand very early on in the trailer. Only 10 seconds in, the commercial depicts two Switch owners enjoying Smash Bros Ultimate while dangling their legs off the side of a bridge. This is a huge power play on behalf of both of these individuals, showing how they’ll risk their lives — and their consoles, if they get their Switch’s wet — in order to duke it out on Smash.

Look at how much Eric and Monica are enjoying themselves here, sitting side-by-side while inches away from plummeting to their deaths. At the very least, if they do fall, they won’t have to spend any more time navigating Nintendo’s awkward online service.


It’ll Force a Distance Between You and Your Basic-Ass Mom

An unhealthy relationship with a parent is often a decisive factor in an individual’s poor social skills, but as evidenced in the commercial, Smash Bros Ultimate will put a wedge between you and your basic-ass mom.

There’s really no need for her to stand in front of the TV like this, her Walmart cardigan sashaying in front of the screen and preventing you from beating the hell out of your sibling. This is why you spent the first year of college dry-heaving and barricading yourself in your dorm room. Thanks, mom.


You Won’t Want to Read Books Anymore

Books are for dorks. It’s an objective truth. The written word is the domain of nerds, unless it’s written on the internet in fewer than 280 characters and is accompanied by a GIF of a dog. Take your cues from this gang of rabble-rousers, who subvert expectations of library-going college students by playing Smash Bros Ultimate instead. Who needs good grades when you have a roster of 70 characters (74 if you include the echo fighters)?


You’ll Have So Many Friends That You’ll Have to Store Them On the Roof

After buying Smash Bros Ultimate, the commercial shows how you’ll become so popular that a regular room will no longer be able to contain your growing social circle. Instead, you’ll have to take all your newfound friends and put them on a roof, where you’ll sit down with your $1,000 worth of Switch controllers and beat the shit out of one another.

You may have a number of questions regarding this part of the commercial: how do I find eight people who would willingly play Smash with me? How do I ensure that they all have shoes as nice as the people in the ad? Why do these people have a rug on a roof? The answer to all these questions and more is: “You’ll find out if you buy Super Smash Bros Ultimate on the Nintendo Switch.”


You’ll Form Relationships With People on Public Transport

You’ll often hear romantic stories where someone has spotted their future partner in an adjacent seat on a bus or train, but the reality is that public transport smells like piss and everyone having to endure it is miserable. However, in the world presented by the Smash Bros Ultimate commercial, this particular bus journey sees these two strangers forming a bond over the game. This’ll be a great story to tell the kids: “I was Wolf, she was Daisy. I kicked her in the stomach until she flew off the map, and then we had you.”


You’ll Be Able to Join a Fight Club..?

So, you may be thinking that having friends is all about “hanging out,” “drinking alcohol,” and “enjoying one another’s company.” But Nintendo knows where the real party is at: a fight club.

There will be no commentary on toxic masculinity and consumerism in this particular fight club, but there will be Smash Bros, nachos served in ostentatious wooden bowls, and weird circular LED lights that serve no functional purpose. It all looks very welcoming, with these students watching a game of Smash and responding with the same level of excitement they’d usually reserve for a sale on kale:

Then comes the final shot; our two heroes parting with a knowing look. They’re young, they’re popular, they’re attractive, and they’ve both got Smash Bros Ultimate to thank for it:

So there you have it. Whether you’re playing on a roof, in an underground fight club, or while dangling off the side of a bridge, this Nintendo commercial indicates that Smash Bros Ultimate will demonstrably improve your life in almost every capacity. Unless you main Meta Knight, in which case you deserve an existence of pain and misery.