Clash of The Titans Review

With apologies to Mr. Harryhausen.

Clash of the Titans: The Movie: The Video Game is the worst game I've played in years. Do not buy, rent, or borrow this game. There's no real point in reading further, but if you feel you must or if you simply want to listen to me tear through it like a shark chomping a baby seal, then by all means, continue. Otherwise, find a review of a game you might actually enjoy playing and read that instead. Now without further ado...

COTT: TVG follows the story of Perseus, a young Greek islander who is on a quest to save his people from angry gods. If any of this sounds familiar, it's because it's the same story you've heard about a billion times just in your lifetime. What sets this tale apart from all the other, you might ask? Nothing. There isn't a single original thought or idea in this entire worthless game from title screen to end credits.

If you were feeling generous, you could say that it's remarkable for being completely unremarkable. Everything in this game has been done before and far better. The only likable aspect of this game is Bubo, and he's just a save point.

The actual gameplay is just as unoriginal as the plot by copying more than a few moves from God of War, which is kind of ironic when you think about it (God of War... angry at the gods... no? Well, screw you then). You have the usual heavy and light attacks as well as sub-weapons that you collect by defeating certain enemies. There are only about four or five sub-weapons all with about a half-dozen skins apiece to pad things out.

There a handful of particularly stubborn enemies that refuse to die unless you use whichever newly skinned sub-weapon you find in that level, though five minutes later you'll encounter the same enemy that can be killed with basic attacks. Why did they even bother?

When an enemy is nearly dead, it'll give off this orange glow and prompt you to initiate a quick-time event for a “quick kill” (“quick kill” is in quotes because you need to hit the ever-loving crap out of them before the "quick kill" activates). The QTE here in question may go down in history as the absolute laziest QTE every used in a game.

Once you begin the pathetic little mini-game (if you can really call it that), two rings appear on the screen with a third closing in. Then you press any of the face buttons (no really, any of them) and you're rewarded with the same kill animation for nearly every enemy. There's no precision of finesse required unless you're fighting a boss and the amount of precognitive insight needed to pass those... well, let's put it this way: If it were made out of oil, we'd be occupying Clash of the Titans for the rest of our natural lives.

You can play two player with a friend (though that would make you a poor friend), but the game is somewhat tight-lipped as to how to get things going. On certain levels where Perseus Pussiest is joined by one of his little buddies, you can turn on a second controller and let someone else jump in, but only on those levels. Even if Perseus is joined by a companion, the game is a bit picky about what levels it thinks your friend can handle. I have no idea if there's an online co-op mode. I was so embarrassed to play this game I made a made a separate profile so my friends wouldn't see me playing this.

I could go on to tell you about the terrible graphics, the ho-hum animations, the appalling voice-acting, and Perseus's stupid shoulder shrugs whenever he speaks. But really, this game has taken up enough of my time and yours. If you somehow end up with a copy of this game, kill it with fire. Don't even use it as a coaster. It might make your drink sour.