Head Cannon #1: New Year’s 4K Resolutions

[ Editor's Note: Head Cannon is a new weekly feature at GameRevolution. Written by Matt Utley, it will discuss various trending topics in the gaming industry in comical fashion. ]

Happy New Year! A new year means a new start, and a new start means you accidentally deleted your save file. But that’s fine! You were never going to finish Dragon Quest Builders anyway.

With every new year it feels like I’m hitting the reset button, because every year I’m asked the same question at the same New Year’s Eve party I’m never invited to.

“What are your New Year’s resolutions?”

It’s a question whose answer can say a lot about a person’s own fears and deep-rooted insecurities, which is why I refuse to answer it.

“Take less antihistamines,” I might say, soliciting a chuckle out of Earl. Earl works in accounting but is also a stuffed panda I keep on my bed. We don’t talk much at work, but I imagine he spends most of his weekends posting on forums and thinking about riding go-karts.

This year, however, I have decided to turn over a new leaf. Begin a new chapter. Press “Start” on the Main Menu we call life. Listed below are some of my New Year’s resolutions for 2017, all of which are about video games because I know I’ll never exercise or give up drinking.

Stop Buying Loot Boxes

I’m not a very good Overwatch player, but I’m a very good Overwatch buyer. What started with a few extra packs of Hearthstone cards has ballooned into a Las Vegas-sized gambling problem. It’s not just Overwatch; I scoured my local Target for specially-marked bags of Doritos for the chance at a Titanfall 2 skin. I almost dropped twenty bucks to play as the guys from Run The Jewels in Gears of War 4. And I don’t even play Gears of War. I’m going all-in this year on earning in-game rewards the old fashioned way: grinding until I find something better to play.

Stop Trading In Games

I know most GameStop managers on a first name basis; if that isn’t the sign of a problem, I don’t know what is. I willingly accept pennies on the dollar because I don’t know how economics work. My knowledge of economics is confined to bonus trade-in credit offers and that Economics class I had to take to graduate high school. I know the game store employees are only smiling at me because they know I’m making their numbers go up. I’m tired of being a pawn in someone else’s shop. I’m keeping my games, 2017, and there’s not a twenty percent coupon that can stop me.

Stop Pre-Ordering Games

Ok, this one is kind of a cheat. Pre-order bonuses are not what they used to be. Gone are the days of cheap figurines and extra large T-shirts. Half the time I throw away the receipt without redeeming whatever scrap of content they bothered to print on there. If I’ve pre-ordered anything it’s because Amazon is willing to take twenty percent off and ship it to my house where pants are optional. Pre-orders are just video game promise rings; a down payment based on hope that will likely end in disappointment.

Start Chipping Away At My Video Game Backlog

Before the rise of the Steam Sale, there was no such thing as a backlog. Now I have two hard drives dedicated to Steam games; I will probably pass them on to my grandchildren. I still haven’t beat The Witcher 3. And The Last Guardian? More like The Last Game I’ll Play In March If There’s Nothing Else. Life is all about priorities, and I had to look up how to spell it. If anything, focusing my back catalog just means I’ll be too busy to pre-order games. I’ll save more money, trade in less games, and generally become more awesome as a result. I think I can see why people make resolutions every year now.