Have you ever seen a video game….on weed?!?!
It's happened to us all. We're sitting around on the couch with some friends. Perhaps passing something around that may alter your perception of the physical world, and playing some video games. All of a sudden one of your friends presents the philosophical query: “Wouldn't such and such make a killer bong?” You and all your friends laugh hysterically for what seems like hours, before it suddenly dawns on you that, “Woah, he's totally right.”
You then spend an equal amount of time fantasizing about how you'd turn said object into a bong, then you decide that you're going to do it as soon as you're done with this last level. Then by the time you're done playing, you've completely forgotten what it is you were going to turn into a bong that was going to be so awesome. Well, have no fear comrades, for this special holiday we've put together the quintessential list for anyone looking to add the ultimate gamer smoking device to their arsenal.
Koopa Shell – As if being stomped out of your home wasn't insulting enough, now that plumber is using your portable home to get lit during his lunch breaks. All it took was a couple of metal pipes from the van to turn your shell into a smok-a-koopa. And the worst part is, he won't even share with you. Stop bogarting that shit, Mario!
Anything from a Lego game – The creativity of what you can come up with when given a bucket of Legos is only limited by your imagination. And if you're a stoner, chances are you've caught yourself thinking, I could make the sweetest water pipe ever if I wanted to. But imagine if it had a Star Wars theme to it? Or maybe even a Indiana Jones piece to smoke that sweet Khali-Ma out of. Now that would be something worth displaying in your parent's basement.
Companion Cube – I wonder what they use to add weight and ballast to these guys. Could it be water? A big box full of water… hmmm… all it's missing is a bowl and a mouthpiece. It's actually the perfect smoking apparatus for the couch-ridden. If it's out of reach, simply shoot a portal hole beside yourself and then the other portal beneath the cube and reach through to grab the thing. Aperture science once again makes life easier for the common man!
Kirby – This little pink dude can hold a lot of smoke at one time. Just hold him over a chimney fire and tell him to suck. Once he's full, just pop a straw in his head Capri Sun-style and puff away. After you're nice and toasted, you may have the munchies. Fortunately, much like after you've smoked out of an apple, you can just eat the big ball of fluff. I mean, Kirby is made out of marshmallows, right? I mean, if he wasn't that, that would mean I just ate-oh-oh boy…
The Ocarina of Time – Just look at the thing and tell me that it's not begging to be turned into a pipe! It's got holes, a mouthpiece. All you have to do is add the smokeable stuff to it and go to town. The best part is, you only have to pack it once. After that, just simply play a little tune to go back in time and smoke the exact same bowl again. It's just simple economics, people!
Tetris L-Block – I'm pretty sure this is already a bong. In fact, every shape in this game is already a goddamned bong! You don't even have to do any MacGyver-ing to get it to work. Just grab a tetron and go to town. Truly this is the video game object that looks like a bong of the people! L-Block, we salute you with a massive cloud of smoke and a shot of Vodka!
The Helghast Mask – There are already folks that take perfectly good gas masks and turn them into smoking utensils. Supposedly, the people of the planet Helghan need their masks to breath in their radioactive environment. They probably also have glaucoma and get chronic headaches. I know what you Helghans are up to. It's an entire planet of evil, pot-smoking invaders.
The King of Cosmos – I don't know what this guy is smoking, but just imagine what would happen if you filtered your smoke through him. The universe would turn into an bizarre mix of The Beatles Yellow Submarine movie and Twin Peaks. Your consciousness would expand throughout the cosmos. You would feel insignificant, no larger than a bug one minute and the next you'd be bigger than the world. Pretty much it would be just like playing Katamari when you're high.
Cactuar – So he's a little poke-y. You could always de-stinger him. And as we all know, if you're stuck in a desert, cacti are full of water, so you don't even need to bother filling him up. Just go straight to town. Of course, you need to catch one of these notoriously quick little rascals before you can cut open his head, stick a bowl in his tummy and go to town. Which if you're already baked, can be tough. And he's all the way out in the middle of nowhere. You know what? I'm just gonna go to the 7-Eleven and get some Cheetos instead…
Solid Snake's Cardboard Hot Box – HQ: “Snake, why won't you respond to comlink calls?”
Snake: “Huh, what's that? Who's there? Why's there a voice in my head? Is that you, Jesus?”
HQ: “No, Snake. It's your general! We need to get on with your mission! Is everything okay?”
Snake: “Oh yeah, man. I've just been hiding out in my cardboard box, making sure I don't get caught by the enemy and smoking some cigarettes. But I don't think this is my normal brand. These smokes taste funny.”
HQ: ”Can you see the target?”
Snake: ”Nah man, it's all smoky in here. I sure am hungry. I think I'm gonna sneak back to that vending machine I saw down the hallway earlier and liberate some Snickers bars. I'll talk to you later, Jesus.”
HQ: “Hello, Snake! Are you there? Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaake!!!!”