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- Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker
Captain Toad Treasure Tracker has just come out for the Switch. For those who are fans of the little squealing ingrate, it’s good news, but those of us who are of sound mind know better. Treasure Tracker is simply another misdemeanor in a long line of offences by Toad against common decency. If you thought his behavior in Mario Tennis Aces was unsportsmanlike, you’re in for a shock. Unsurprisingly, he has the balls to commit some downright criminal acts, and in a game that’s been named after him, no less. Toad is an insult to all bonafide treasure hunters all there, and we’re going to tell you why.
Toad Probably Loves Fossil Fuels
For someone who lives in a lush environment like Mushroom Kingdom, Toad spits in the face of being environmentally friendly. A headlight is practical if you’re caving, which you attempt clumsily in Treasure Tracker, but we’ll get to that later. What’s not practical is a headlight being turned on constantly in broad daylight. Why is Toad even allowed to do that? The majority of his archaelogical explorations take place under the blinding sunlight that bakes the Mario overworld to a crisp. Surely there’s no good reason why he’d be this energy inefficient. Are we supposed to believe that an intrepid adventurer doesn’t believe in protecting the environment? No, he’s being wilfully ignorant.
Just look at all the helpless animals that he picks on. Even worse is the method by which he dispatches his foes. Hunting is already a blood sport. Toad makes it more insulting and painful by clubbing foes to death with radishes. Does he care that the radishes are likely tended by the animals he’s killing? No, Toad rips up vegetation as and when he pleases. Not even Lara Croft had this blatant disregard for the natural order of things. Clearly, Toad revels in the destruction of public property and lets out a jubilant cry when his violent ends are achieved. If Greenpeace existed in the Mario timeline, Toad would be hiring Russian bots to DDOS them on social media. This is one fungal creature who thinks he’s above it all, and he’s not afraid to ruin the environment to prove his superiority.
Toad’s Lucky, Not Skilled
Sure, it’s cute seeing something small go up against a big foe. There’s something in humans that makes us root for the tiny underdog. Maybe that’s how we feel watching our helpless player characters return for more every time we die in Dark Souls. Toad would be a great example of a sympathetic underdog if any of his success could be attributed to a modicum of skill. Unfortunately, Toad is utterly useless and only succeeds out of sheer, dumb luck. If you don’t believe us, then play the game and let it open your eyes.
For example, take Treasure Tracker‘s demo boss fight. The game pits you against a giant, fire-breathing dragon. It’s clearly trying to get a rise out of you, Lord of the Rings style. “Oh no, look at helpless Toad,” you cry. Please, don’t waste your breath on that fiend. When you play the level through, you’ll see that the dragon is felled by its own stupidity. You could have navigated Toad with the coordination of a drunken dog and you’d have still KO’d his enemy. Toad’s heroic efforts don’t knock the dragon out — that credit goes to the poor construction of the dragon’s cave. Furthermore, Toad even steps on the head of his foe once he’s been downed, adding insult to injury. Clearly, the little parasite doesn’t care about the honor of the duel. He only cares about his loot, and it’s bloody disgusting.
Toad’s Impersonating a Military Officer
Given what we know if the Mario overworld, they probably have a bureaucracy that mimics our own. The United States of America’s Stolen Valor Act of 2013 makes impersonating a military officer illegal. Firstly, Treasure Tracker doesn’t tell you how “Captain” Toad got his moniker. We know from previous games like Super Mario Galaxy that he’s had this title for a long time. However, Galaxy also makes it pretty clear that he’s a self-appointed captain. Where’s the Mushroom Kingdom’s military? We can easily assume that it’s probably non-existent since Peach gets kidnapped so often. Clearly, this invalidates Toad’s title; you can’t give yourself military benefits and authority on a whim. From Toad’s misadventures in lava-filled caves, we know he hasn’t earned them.
Secondly, when you dig a little deeper in Super Mario Galaxy 2, he proudly tells you that the proof of his authority is his headlamp. That’s right, the extent of his military authority rests in his stupid lamp. We already know that he’s burning through all sorts of halogen lamps during the day with no regard for the environment. What kind of soldier would be that irresponsible? The only thing setting him apart from his ordinary cousins is a worthless item that he doesn’t know how to use. If there was ever a case to have someone stripped of rank, it would be this. Why have we legitimized Toad’s delusions? Sure, we’ve accepted that he leads the Toad Brigade, but are they a sanctioned government operation? They’re just some lads having a laugh, and Toad is nothing more than a common criminal.
H0wever, don’t think that you’re powerless; you too can spread awareness about his criminal activities to stop others from becoming his victims. If you or your family members have been harmed by this monster, then let us know in the comments section below. We cannot allow him to abuse his falsified authority any longer.