If you’re familiar with the Kingdom Hearts franchise and have been browsing the internet long enough, you’ve probably come across a wish list or two detailing every new world that should appear in the third main iteration of the franchise. With Kingdom Hearts 3 on the horizon, there’s no shortage of Disney franchises at Square Enix’s disposal. This list serves to prove the contrary: there are some properties that just don’t belong in this JRPG, lest it lose its entire fan base to catchy teen bops and the machinations of devious middle-aged women.
Shouldn’t Be in Kingdom Hearts 3: High School Musical
Do you drink to forget your days watching High School Musical and its sequels? You are not alone, as millions of others suffered the same pain as you once (but just don’t want to admit it). The catchy beats of this teen Goliath enslaved countless souls when it began its rampage on Disney Channel in 2006.
Troy and Gabriella’s melodies are infectious, unlike the charming harmonies of The Little Mermaid, the likes of which has already appeared in Kingdom Hearts twice. Should there be another musical world in the series’ third main iteration, we pray that Sora, Donald, and Goofy don’t park their Gummi Ship in East High School’s parking lot. They might never see King Mickey again.
Shouldn’t Be in Kingdom Hearts 3: Club Penguin
The story of Club Penguin is tragic, loosely remembered today through memes. Square Enix may be tempted to honor the social game through Kingdom Hearts 3, which is commendable but also very ill-advised. Firstly, pretty much everyone looked the same in this game. It’d be hard to differentiate Sora, Donald, and Goofy from the crowd of children and/or overage people “looking for a good time.”
While they’ll be some varied environments to explore, violence probably won’t be permitted, as this is a peaceful game we’re talking about here. There’ll be little for Sora and the crew to do here, really, outside of having polite conversations with one another. If anything, Club Penguin would probably work best on a companion app.
What We Don’t Want in Kingdom Hearts 3: The Cheetah Girls
Who could ever forget The Cheetah Girls? These sisters—who stand together, mind you—bested their cheesy movies only through their cheesy songs. As Galleria, Chanel, Dorinda, and Aquanetta (those were their actual names in the films) venture through New York City looking for stardom and the occasional puppy who’s wandered into a sink hole, Sora, Donald, and Goofy would tag along for the ride.
Together, the group will have to design their own cheetah outfits guaranteed to hit the big time not only in the Empire State, but in Spain and India, too. A Cheetah Girls world is practically guaranteed at this point, right Square? Oh, and Raven better be in it.
What We Don’t Want in Kingdom Hearts 3: Sofia the First
Though Kingdom Hearts‘ overarching story can only be deciphered by esteemed scientists at this point, the original game revolved around saving classic Disney princesses from the darkness… or something. As a way to get fans up to speed with what’s happened in Sora’s adventure so far, Square Enix may be willing to shine the spotlight on Sofia the First. Sofia is, in many ways, the Disney Junior gateway drug to the world of Disney princesses and poor future boyfriends, so why not? There could even be an option for her to go through key plot details nice and slow.
Though many fans will scoff at the idea of a nice Sofia the First world to get them up to speed, they’ll be sad later when they have no idea what the hell is going on. Of course, the negative backlash may be significant enough to warrant Sofia just a mobile companion app. You can’t say we didn’t try, Sofia. Please don’t tell mom.
What We Don’t Want in Kingdom Hearts 3: The Suite Life of Zack & Cody
Imagine Sora, Donald, and Goofy crashing their Gummi Ship into Boston, Massachusetts, right in the center of Fenway Park as a Red Sox game is underway. They climb out of their customizable spacecraft unscathed, only for an onslaught of angry Sox fans to give them chance, complete with Dunkin Donuts coffee, flannel shirts, and barely comprehensible accents.
The party finds refuge in the Tipton Hotel’s lobby as Mr. Moseby yells at a pair of blonde-haired twins, the likes of which just stole one of his pocket hankies. Seeing the new arrivals, Moseby commands them to give chase if they want a room for the night. If this all sounds 100 percent far-fetched to you, it means you’re still sane. At this point I sincerely hope you’re not reading this, Square.
What We Don’t Want in Kingdom Hearts 3: Desperate Housewives
Say Xehanort wins the battle for whatever this Kingdom Hearts thing is. Sora, Goofy, Donald, Micky, Riku, Kairi and the like are all sent to hell. They discover that hell is actually a place called Wisteria Lane filled with women living mediocre lives, with neighbors who spy on their every move. Everyone realizes that they were all better off becoming a Heartless/Nobody/Unversed/Darkness/???, so they call up Xehanort on their landline phones and ask if he could do them a favor.
Every Kingdom Hearts 3 player’s soul dissolves as the Dark Seeker Saga ends and the ABC Sitcom Saga begins. Disney tricked us the entire time, and we fell for it. Should Square want to lose the trust of its consumer base and possibly set a new world record, this would the way to do it. Final Fantasy VII Remake is going to sell gangbusters anyway.
If this article was a painful read for you, imagine what Kingdom Hearts 3 would be like if it ever incorporated any of this. Keep doing what you’re doing, Square Enix, and definitely don’t let any of this inspire you to take more risks.