This time, Kenny ain’t the only one who is dead…
Okay, I admit it. I like South Park. Where else can you find bad animation, toilet humor, and Cartman’s fat ass rolled up into one neat little half-hour package?
To capitalize on the popularity of the series, Acclaim and Comedy Central
have teamed up to bring us yet another title in the South Park video game lineup.
So what is it this time? Fingerbang: The Game? Fun with Cherokee Hair
Tampons? Timmer Teaches Typing? Nope, we get kart racing.
I really don’t know what Acclaim is thinking when they make these South Park
games. The first two were utter garbage and South Park Rally doesn’t
help the series at all. I guess when you’ve got a moneymaker like the show,
you’ve got to exploit it in every way possible. I love America.
South Park Rally is basically a race through the many scenarios of
South Park. The story (for lack of a better word) explains that the dissidents,
I mean, residents of South Park hold kart races to commemorate each and every
holiday. Race through Cow Days, Spring Cleaning Day, and even Big Gay Al’s Big
Gay Pink Lemonade… Day. Uh, mmmkay.
The tracks themselves are rather plain, with not much in the way of shortcuts
to help you out. What is unique, though, is the actual layout of the race. First
of all, it really isn’t linear. Your racer must hit several checkpoints in order
to complete a “lap,” but these checkpoints aren’t in any sort of order and you
may even have to double back the way you just came in order to reach the next
one. This type of setup is decent if confusing, and I hate having to run back
and forth. It almost feels as if you’re not really getting anywhere.
Graphically, South Park Rally is pretty lame, but then again the real
deal cartoon doesn’t look that hot, either. Textures are bland and the whole
thing just lacks inspiration. However, the framerate is pretty clean and the
races move along well.
The weapon pick-ups
also keep with the South Park theme. You’ve got your Barf puddles, chocolate
salty balls, underwear gnomes, and even a nasty case of herpes. Most of these
weapons function as typical missile, bomb, and speed types, but some of them
are just plain weird. When was the last time visions of Saddam Hussein flashed
repeatedly on your TV screen? Nevermind, don’t answer that.
South Park Rally also falls victim to the evil control demon. Driving
in general is a major headache as the karts easily bounce around after taking
the slightest hit. Cornering is awkward; in order to negotiate the game’s tough
turns and creepy curves, you constantly need to slow down. Power sliding won’t
even save you from this mess, as it often leaves you smacked right up against
the side of a wall.
The only thing that can save a lame South Park game is some fantastic South
Park humor. Some cool one liners from the show can at least keep things interesting.
Indeed, as you begin to play through, you hear all the vocal goodness of your
favorite South Parkians. Then you’ll hear it again. And again. And again. The
same lines repeat over and over until you get nauseous. Bleech!
While the game tries to stay in typical South Park character, it just fails. There’s even some lengthy load time thrown in with all the other crappiness. I think it’s safe to say that after three failed attempts, South Park does not belong in a video game. Then again, the opening does say that “the following game contains coarse language and due to its content should not be played by anyone.” True, true. Screw this game, I’m going home.