Plus, they smushed that stupid bear again. Review

Plus, they smushed that stupid bear again.

Today is Valentine’s Day (Yes, I’m writing a video game review on Valentine’s

Day. Somebody shoot me.). So I ask the question: Do you have a girlfriend? Do

you have a special Valentine today? Well, if you ever want to fall for a girl,

you better do it soon. In the year 2006, the year of BattleTanx: Global Assault,

it’s gonna be a whole lot harder to get a date.

Turns

out we only have a few years before the whole world is going to be a really

big mess. What with the upcoming collapse of governments, nuclear war, and a

plague that kills 99.9% of the world’s women, things just aren’t going to be

the same anymore.

In 2006, much of the remaining population is divided up into different gangs

and clans. Many of the gangs are led by some of the few remaining women, now

called “queen-lords” (I didn’t name them). They try to control and pacify their

territory in this post-apocalyptic wasteland through the use of their tanks…

errr tanx. Fortunately, for the sake of gameplay, they also spend a lot of time

blowing up the tanks of rival gangs in the streets of different cities around

the world. Think Twisted

Metal 2 with tanks.

Actually, if you’re a fan of Twisted Metal on the PSX, and have been

just dying for some vehicular combat on the Nintendo, BattleTanx: Global

Assault is exactly what the doctor ordered. Don’t get this title confused

with the first BattleTanx,

which was not as good. This newest version has improved just about everything

including graphics, control, gameplay, variety and depth.

“Depth?” you ask. Actually, yes. There’s certainly a lot more depth here than

in any of the other big car combat titles. There are 24 different arenas, 12

different tanks, another dozen different gangs, and seven different ways to

play. Your goal is not always to blow up the enemy (although it usually involves

blowing up at least some of the enemy). In your quest for gang dominance, you

can have many goals like: attempt to score the most kills in a time period,

play capture the flag, rescue the women, protect the convoy, destroy the convoy,

or take a journey through the game’s campaign mode.

In the campaign, you take on the role of Griffin Spade (Ahhh… another video

game name taken from the grab-bag o’ nouns. Someday, just once, I want to save

the world as Joel Finklestein). Griffin is the battle-lord and husband of queen-lord

Madison. Together, they have a son with psychic powers, and all three of them

are under assault from another, evil queen-lord. Ok, so it’s not the greatest

plot, and there are no movies to draw you into it, but the missions are varied

and the battles will take you across the globe, mostly to blow stuff up.

And

blowing stuff up is one of the best parts of BattleTanx: Global Assault.

There is a huge range of standard and powered-up weaponry to help you on your

destructive rampage. Aside from the enemy, you can also blow up cars, trees,

gas stations, movie theatres, historic monuments, and whole city blocks. Lets

just say that the battlefields look very different at the end of a mission than

they did at the beginning. But be careful not to blow everything up, don’t forget,

you are part of a gang, and often you will have help. Blowing up friendly tanks

won’t make it any easier to complete your mission.

And you can have human help as well. Up to four players can play split-screen

in classic N64 style. But the cool part is that you can play any of these modes

together. So, for example, you and a friend could be assigned to protect a convoy,

while two of your other (ex)friends will try to blow it up. There are just a

whole ton of different ways to play BattleTanx: Global Assault.

So loyal Nintendo owners, there is now one less reason to be jealous of the

PSX. BattleTanx: Global Assault is easily the match for the famed Twisted

Metal series, and is certainly better than TM3

& 4.

While not anything really new, this is good, fun, solid vehicular combat at

it’s current best. Pick up a copy, and serve your queen-lord well. Just be careful

if you ask her for a date, the competition is fierce.