Booze and hookers not included. Review

Booze and hookers not included.

Dear Gaming Buddies,

Hello! It's-a me - Maaarrrio! 

I'm-a having a BIG PARTY! That's-a right! A BIIIIGGGGG PAAARTY for 
all-a my friends! And I want you to come! Dere's a-gonna be plenty 
of fun stuff to do, so you don't-a wanna miss it! 

If-a you wanna come, then keep-a reading this here review. 

But if-a you don't wanna come, den I'm-a hurt! You disrespect-a me 
anna my family! That's not nice! Maybe you have-a an...accident! 
Maybe a monkey wrench will-a fall onna you head!

You better watch-a your back, mister-a tough guy!!

                                    Sincerely,
                                          Don Mario

Welcome one and all to Mario Party, the latest game starring that lovable

little Italian stereotype of a mascot. Mario has been a bit quiet lately, having

been resting since the fast-paced Mario Kart

hit the shelves over a year ago. But it seems as though the chubby plumber is

back, and this time he’s in a Board Game!

Or rather,

BORED game. Mario Party is a party game with great intentions, but unsatisfying

delivery. This is a tedious and often frustrating experience, and its few bright

spots get squashed under the weight of Mario’s fat, boring ass.

No Mario game is complete without a plot (sheesh). Perhaps inspired by a few

too many magic mushrooms, Mario has decided to throw a party. When all of his

friends show up, they begin to discuss who’s the biggest star. Before things

get bloody (darn), perennial non-star Toad suggests they travel through the

Warp Pipe to ‘other places’ and do good things. Eventually, one of them will

be deemed the Super Star! Ha! Are you loving this as much as I am?

Mario Party is an interactive board game. Like all recent Mario games, this one has more cameo appearances than a Woody Allen flick. You’ll be able to play as or against Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Wario, Peach, and Yoshi. How cozy.

Gameplay is straightforward. You roll dice and move around a colorful game

board. The goal is to collect coins and eventually buy stars from Toad. The

one with the most stars at the end of the game is the ‘Super Star.’

I’m not going to go into depth about the play, because frankly it just isn’t

very deep. Like most board games, randomness takes center stage over skill.

Roll the dice well, and it’s hello stardom; roll poorly, and you’ll be pulling

out your hair within minutes.

Nintendo attempts to even things out a bit by including Mini-Games. Mini-Games

are played when you land on a Mini-Game space, and it’s here where you actually

get to flex your gaming muscles a bit. The Mini-Games are pretty much little

arcadey diversions. One might have you playing a platform game, while another

engages you in a version of ‘Simon Says.’ You’ll race bobsleds and mine carts,

play slot machines, and even go fishing. The variety of games is impressive,

with over 50 to play.

You

can, in fact, disregard the board game and choose to play on ‘Mini-Game Island.’

This is a one player affair that pits you and a CPU controlled partner up against

the 50 Mini-Games. However, none of the games are particularly exciting, and

when you take away the competitive edge the board game offers, they look and

play even worse. Adds variety, but not quality.

The key to a game like Mario Party is in the multiplayer. I checked

this game out in several multiplayer atmospheres – with 2 coworkers, with my

girlfriend, and even at an actual party. While good for a few laughs, everyone

tired of things fairly quickly, myself included. Even large quantities of alcohol

didn’t seem to help. The randomness of everything keeps everyone involved, but

it gets incredibly irritating being way out in front only to land on the wrong

space and lose everything to an opponent.

In a major design faux pas, someone decided that the only way to play

the board game is with 4 players. This is okay if you’ve got 3 friends around,

but is a pain in the butt otherwise. If you’re only playing with two human controlled

characters, the CPU will choose the other two and play them. This means you

are often stuck watching the computer roll the dice, move around, and even play

in the occasional 1 player Mini-Game (they could have at least simulated this).

Playing the game with fewer than 3 real people is terribly boring, and realistically

scrounging up 4 people to play Mario Party is harder than it sounds.

Everything else about the game is standard. The graphics are adequate if a

bit cheesy. The sound is fine – I especially dug the re-mix of the Super

Mario Brothers theme song. Very retro-hip.

In all fairness, Mario Party will have a certain appeal to the younger

gamers out there. The familiar faces, simple controls, and random rewards might

keep little kids glued to the screen. It’s us big kids who will be heading for

the hills. Goldeneye, ho!

He’s been a plumber. He’s been a racer. He’s jumped on a million turtles and

rescued a million princesses. He’s explored the sewers, the jungles, and even

the heavens. He’s battled giant apes, ridden on the back of a dinosaur, and

demolished legions of vicious mushrooms. What more can you say? Mario is a Renaissance

man. But I think it’s about time for him to take an extended vacation and give

the gamers a break already. This is one dead party.