Tony Hawk’s Pro Snowboarding? I think not. Review

Joe Dodson
Shaun Palmer's Pro Snowboarder Info

genre

  • Sports

players

  • N/A

Publisher

  • Activision

Developer

  • UEP Systems

Release Date

  • 01/01/1970
  • Out Now

Platform

  • GBA
  • PS2

rating

Tony Hawk’s Pro Snowboarding? I think not.

Imagine for a second that you’re obsessed about something, like, for instance,
Doritos. You love Doritos. You try to work them in everywhere you can: Doritos
in your sandwiches, Doritos in your desk at work – we’re talking a straight-up
Dorito fetish.

Eventually,
you get to placing your Doritos where they don’t belong and something bad happens.
Maybe you stuck a Dorito in your car and skewered your butt by accidentally
sitting on the pointy end. Perhaps you ruined a pristine white sweater by manhandling
it with orangey-yellow powdered fingers.

Now you know what it feels like to be in Activision’s shoes. It’s nice that
they can make a great game series like Tony
Hawk’s Pro Skater
, but for the love of god, what is Tony doing in their
other games? Matt Hoffman’s
Pro BMX
was basically Tony on a bike and now we get Shaun Palmer’s Pro
Snowboarder
, or Tony on snow.

As opposed to making a real snowboarding game, it’s as though the folks at
Activision gutted Cool Boarders and replaced
all the missing bits with parts of a skateboarding game. And when I say gutted,
I mean raptor-style eviscerated. Shaun Palmer is a very bare-bones game.
Other than the Career mode, your only single player choice is the Free Ride,
where you get to play any level you’ve unlocked in Career mode without any objectives
or time limit. There’s really not much to see here.

On the other hand, Career Mode sends you down a mountain with the task of
completing nine objectives. These objectives are simple enough, requiring you
to do things like a certain trick or finding a set of obscurely placed objects.
Just think of them as gems or coins and you’ll get the basic picture.

The problem with the Career mode levels is that it’s a carbon copy of the
THPS games. Finding the sacred fiz-bah gems and destroying the cursed
coffee carts is a bitch, especially since most levels have multiple paths. Unfortunately,
all you know about the level is revealed in a five-second introductory clip,
which is played at the beginning of each run. They are so useless it’s practically
offensive.

Shaun Palmer takes place on a mountain, which means you start at the
top and wind up at the bottom every time. This makes finding all the little
odds and ends a pain, as opposed to the THPS games in which you can just
skate around the map looking for stuff until the time runs out. In the case
of Shaun Palmer, there really needs to be an on-screen map and little
arrows and plumes of smoke a la Cool Boarders to keep you up on the score
and the goals. As it stands, you can run through a level a thousand times busting
the sickest tricks ever and still not get the sponsors you need.

And not getting these sponsors is a bad thing, as sponsors are the basic currency
of Shaun Palmer. Without them you can’t unlock things like new boards
or new levels and you don’t get to augment your boarder’s stats. This means
that completing some of those awful objectives is absolutely mandatory for progressing
through the game.

More often than not, getting a sponsor will involve grinding. I’ve seen a
real snowboarder grind, like, once. Snowboards are not skateboards; they
do different stuff, and they’re fun for different reasons. Skateboards can go
anywhere and grind on anything. Snowboards go on snow, and they go fast.

Shaun Palmer doesn’t seem to understand that it isn’t a skateboarding
game; you can go anywhere (even the tops of chairlifts), but you can’t go very
fast. At least in Tony Hawk it makes sense. Here, it’s just lame – especially
since the game ends up being a total grindfest.

To
score the big points, you grind everywhere, all the time. Normal snowboarding
issues like “turning” and “speed” are rendered moot in favor
of grinding, which is odd since, again, snowboarding isn’t really all about
GRINDING. You spend all the time you can on a fixed track, trying to get from
the roof to the water pipe so you can get another sponsor and get out of the
level you’ve been on for two hours.

The speed factor is very disappointing. You never need to race, even in the
multiplayer modes. It isn’t about who’s the fastest or twitchiest – it’s about
who grinds what the longest. In turn, the multiplayer modes suck. It’s you and
someone else, grinding everything you can and tricking off stuff. You can shove
each other. Hell, in one mode you can even hog the screen. But you can’t race
at all.

That isn’t to say the game doesn’t have its fast moments. A solid framerate
and some hectic rail-transfers can make for a rousing time. Unfortunately, you
usuallywind up flat on your back, and you’re always focused on that horrible
little balance meter.

That’s too bad, because Shaun Palmer looks nice. The character models
are good and the courses look okay. Some of the light sourcing and shading effects
are great. Night levels and sunset levels look way better than they play.

Besides the Career Mode and the Free Ride Mode, you can create your own snowboarder.
But you don’t get many choices, and at least a few of them are non-options.
I could only create about three boarders that I’d actually want to use.

The music involves a lot of Spineshank and Alien Ant Farm and Powerman 5000.
All of the tracks orbit the angry, inferiority complex driven Rap-core genre
that’s so popular these days among wrestling fans, so most of the songs put
you in a weird place if you aren’t a skinny white kid who hates your dad. However,
if you are, you’ll really enjoy this game’s soundtrack.

The sound effects are pretty forgettable, except for the yuppies who yell
at you depending on what surface you’re grinding. Hey you, get off that Tony
Hawk
game!

Shaun Palmer’s Pro Snowboarder is a fundamentally flawed game. It’s
a skateboarding game that’s trying to be a snowboarding game, instead of trying
even harder to be a good snowboarding game. It’s pretty fun to grind
and trick off stuff, but you can do that in THPS
3
without having to deal with the fact that you’re falling down a mountain.
With little speed and less originality, this one doesn’t have the skills to
out-trick or out-race its Tricky competition.



REVOLUTION REPORT CARD

1.5
Rating
Good trick system
Classic
But this isn't a skating game
Incredibly derivative
Weak multiplayer
No speed, no racing,