It’s not just a Death Machine, it’s also a Miracle Bra! Review

It’s not just a Death Machine, it’s also a Miracle Bra!

Yes, folks! You too can be strapped into a strange hovercraft with two

rotating guns and an assortment of special weapons. Your job, obey the

whim of a horny scientist, lovingly called, ‘the geek’. The only thing in

your way is the nanotechnology plague that has

covered the earth. How do you destroy nanotechnology? Easy: aim really,

really well.

Thus begins Machine Head, a game that has absolutely nothing to do

with the song. You are the beautiful young female doctor who got klonked

on the head and strapped into an ugly machine that squeezes your breasts

together so you have cleavage deeper than the Grand Canyon. (Any female

readers offended yet? Wait, it gets worse.) You are controlled by your

co-worker, the aforementioned geek, and are forced to carry out his orders

or he’ll blow you to kingdom come. You also get to listen to his sleazy

comments and come-ons throughout the entire game. Oh, there’s also a

nanotechnology plague that covers the earth (remember that?)

The graphics in Machine Head are okay. All the full motion video

sequences are very detailed, right down to the ‘Juggs’ magazine on the geek’s

desk. In the game itself, the landscape is pretty bleak. Machine

Head‘s biggest problem is with pop-up. You can walk looking straight

into the air and not know that there in a bridge above you until you are

almost directly underneath it. Even then, the bridge appears in chunks,

totally ruining any attempts at creating the feel of a realistic world.

The music and sound are remarkably adequate. Nothing really stands out,

they simply do their job and complement the action. Guns sound like guns,

geeks sound like geeks, etc.

The control is difficult to get the hang of. Even after playing Machine

Head for awhile, you are still unable to move about as easily as some

other games in this genre. Because the pop-up is so bad, enemies literally

come out of nowhere. Maneuvering to see which direction they are hitting

you from is next to impossible.

Except for the rather unique Marathon, Doom-type games are not known for their

plot. Machine Head is no exception. The “plot” exists solely for

humor and has absolutely nothing to do with the game what-so-ever. The

game designers appeared to have concentrated on the sexual themes of this

game more than the gameplay itself. If they can spend enough time and

money to make sure a Juggs magazine was in view on a desk for a second, they

surely could have spent the time to get rid of the awful pop-up.

Doom-type games come and go as often as the tides. Some stand out,

like Marathon or Duke Nuke’m, while others just pass by,

hardly noticed. While there’s not a lot wrong with these games, they just

don’t possess that certain something… that ‘je ne sais quois’ that is difficult to spell. In a world of first-person shooters, Machine Head is

remarkably average.

If you like to see a lot of shots of a busty woman strapped into a

post-apocolyptic Lay-Z-Boy, then you just might think that Machine

Head is the best game ever made. If, however, you would like to have a lot

of gameplay combined with cool graphics and sound, you should probably keep

on looking.