by Brian Gee

It is the nightmare in the closet. From behind closed doors it haunts you, breathing down your neck with every step you take. It is the demon in your mind that just refuses to be exorcised. It is the terror that grows within you as each new day dawns. It thrives off your fear and feasts on your horror.

No, I'm not talking about the transsexual bestiality spam in your mailbox; I'm talking about the Street Fighter series.

Okay, enough is enough. Within the span of a mere thirteen years, gamers have seen enough Street Fighter games to last several lifetimes. I can't believe how the same damn game can be re-released over and over and over again.

Before I continue, I'm going to list as many Street Fighter games as I possibly can. See if you can name them all in one breath!

It all started right here.

Whew, sixteen games and I'm all out of breath. I realize that a bunch of games are missing, (including the pocket/puzzle fighters and the various versus games) but if I had to name them all, we'd be here for hours and I'd need an oxygen tank.

You also might notice that none of the games go past the number "three." For a while, I thought that the fine folks at Capcom had forgotten how to count, but then it dawned on me.

Can you imagine a Street Fighter XVI? No series dares to go that far. Not Rocky, not Final Fantasy (so far), and not even Lara Croft (yet). I think it has something to do with the rising cost of Depends Undergarments, but I'm not sure. You can pretty much bet that none of the future Street Fighter games will ever make it past the number three. We'll see Super Street Fighter Epsilon 3 Hyper Fighting: The Future Generation of Street Fighters Titanium Edition before the series ever makes it to "four."

But no matter how many Street Fighter games you might see in the future, you can bet your uvula that Ryu will be in it. In about the span of a single year, the Sega Dreamcast has seen the release of a whopping 5 titles featuring Ryu. Come to think of it, what would Street Fighter be without Ryu or that blonde Ryu in the red gi? Say, now that I think about it there's also a Ryu in black wearing Buddha beads and yet another Ryu who looks an awful lot like Steven Segal. For a time, it was even rumored that there was a geriatric version of Ryu posing as a hidden character.

Move over, Bruce Jenner.

Why does there have to be so many Ryus? Is this some evil cloning scheme on M. Bison's part or were they all just separated at birth? That many tournament appearances should get him some kind of prize. After all, none of the tournaments he's entered has ever given anything away. I mean, that good of a fighter at least has to have his face on a box of Wheaties.

In any case, Ryu has probably starred in even more games than Nintendo's mascot du millenium, our favorite Italian stereotype Mario. Hmmmm…I sense some detective work.

ROUND TWO… FIGHT!!!

Chun Li and her kung-fu grip

The popularity of Street Fighter has indeed reached astronomical heights over the years and like any other successful product, the Street Fighter license has gone out and produced tons of junk for consumers to buy. Just look at the action figures! Not only can young boys and girls play Street Fighter on their home console, they can also have play battles with their fully poseable action buddies (not to mention tea parties over at Barbie's mansion.)

Our video game heroes have also taken over the big and small screen. A Street Fighter animated series invaded anime sections of video stores everywhere. You'll probably even remember that god-awful movie starring that Jean-Claude guy. Our fearsome fighters have also "appeared" in a lesser known movie with Jackie Chan, entitled City Hunters.

Next on our tour of Street Fighter paraphernalia, we have the posters and wall scrolls. For a mere 20 dollars or so, you too can have Chun Li in your bedroom. Heh heh, the world is indeed a lonely place.

Hey! No line! Wonder why!

Did you know that there was also a Street Fighter RIDE? Yes, a ride. This was something that you could actually experience physically (You mean in addition to the Chun Li poster? - Ed.). It's also something that should have never seen the light of day. Two companies called Cadix Media and Show Scan got together to carry out the absolute worst Street Fighter idea in the history of, well, Street Fighter. For a whole five dollars, mindless Street Fighter fans could experience this motion simulator. Care for a spin? Please buckle your safety belt and remember to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. For your convenience, barf bags have been placed in the seat pocket in front of you and once that kid stops cryin', the ride will begin!

I really wish I could name every Street Fighter product out on the market, but that would be a rant all its own. In the meantime, I guess I'll just read my Street Fighter comic book while listening to this Street Fighter scratch, and eat my Street Fighter fruit snacks from my Street Fighter lunchbox in my Street Fighter sleeping bag. Then, I'll don my Street Fighter T-shirt and ride my Street Fighter skateboard to the Street Fighter store to pick up some Street Fighter garbage bags... ...which I'll need to carry all this crap to the dumpster.

I don't care what all the other critics say. Each "new" Street Fighter is the same as the last. All they're doing is adding in some new characters and a few pathetic tweaks. Show me something that will shock and amaze me! I don't know, maybe they should bring back the poundable button controller for the home systems.

Wait, I have another idea… they should expand the Street Fighter universe to include other game genres. How about Street Fighter Party? Join Ryu and his friends as they play along with you in an interactive board game. Or maybe they could make Street Fighter Kart Racing. This time, the super-deformed Street Fighters are taking a trip to the local go-kart track in order to save the world from Bison's dastardly hubcap scheme.

Dance Dance Street Fighter: Just like Beat Street.

The best seller, however, would be Dance Dance Street Fighter. Dance the night away with Chun Li, Cammy, and the rest of the Street Fighter ladies as you groove to the latest club hits from Johnny Cash, Brittney Spears, and William Shatner. Woohoo!

In any case, Game Revolution has decided to host our very own quiz to prove that one Street Fighter game is pretty much like all the others. Here, you will find several screen shots from various Street Fighter games. Your mission is to figure out exactly which Street Fighter game the shot is from. The prize? Well, we're all out of Street Fighter commemorative coins, so how about…um…life everlasting? How's that! Come on...how geeky are you?

Sadly, Street Fighter will never die. My great-grandkids will probably be perfecting E.Honda's thousand hand slap in some sort of Street Fighter game on their "PS4." Capcom will rule the world. *sigh* I guess some things will never change, but I do know one thing for sure. No matter how many Street Fighter games there may be in the future, I'll still be kicking your ass with Ryu fireballs.

Hadooooken!

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