Outrageous E3 Wishes That Probably Won’t Come True (But Could)

E3 2017 is fast approaching, and if you scour the internet you’ll find loads of theories, predictions, hopes, and dreams being tossed around in anticipation of the show. Despite the guaranteed handful of genuine surprises at E3 most years, there’s also an ever-growing pool of the predictable. This is especially true regarding ongoing, big-budget, AAA franchises showcasing their latest entries; though said games often turn out great, their show presence can start to feel a bit familiar from sequel to sequel.


As such, I’ve compiled a wishlist of completely out-there demands, some remotely possible and others totally unrealistic (but still fun to think about). Anything to keep the E3 experience fresh and interesting, right? Though several of the items here are either unlikely or impossible, keep in mind; this is the same industry that enabled me to dress up in a honey badger suit and battle against a snow leopard (though, admittedly, it was at PAX not E3). Either way, my full list is below.

Nintendo Unveils Super Mario Odyssey in VR

Nintendo hasn’t officially entered the VR space nor has it really hinted as much, but president Kimishima at the very least concedes the company intends to keep up with current trends and assess viability as they go along. Since E3 can always use more surprises, why not debut VR compatibility with Mario, the biggest Nintendo franchise of them all? Just picture jumping off of this building in VR; it’s enough to make you lose your lunch. Sounds pretty worth it to me.


Nintendo already rocked the Virtual Boy naming scheme back in the 90s, so a similar label could be used as a Switch add-on for instant brand recognition. Since E3 is always home to lots of cosplay, there could even be a guy dressed as Mario running on a 360 treadmill to demonstrate the full experience of “becoming Mario.” Of course, Joy-Con and Pro Controller input options would also be available.



Valve Announces Half-Life 4


Wasting no time ramping up the list is Half-Life 4, and no, that’s not a typo. It’s now been five years since rumors circulated about Valve showing something “with a 3” at E3. And yet, we still lack any real information about an impending Half-Life 3 video game. The title has become such a meme by this point that Valve really ought to just skip the entire thing. It’s time to move on to Half-Life 4.


Not only would the announcement send confusion through the industry several times over, but it could be used as more than a joke, perhaps in a creative way. The game’s story could pertain to a massive gap regarding in-universe events, where the player has to figure out what occurred and why the happenings of what would be Half-Life 3 have been lost for so long. It’s a pretty out-there idea, but hey, gaming needs more of those.


EA Pays for a Tom Brady Appearance


It might require some mending of relationships, but given Brady’s recent confirmation as a Madden 18 cover star (via the planned GOAT edition), I think EA should pony up some cash and bring Tom to E3 this year. Aside from #DeflateGate he’s generally well-liked, and the man even managed to avoid political drama in the current, heightened Trumpian climate by both avoiding the White House Super Bowl ceremony (a heroic act in the eyes of some), but also maintaining a strong friendship with the president and having a genuine excuse (his mother was ill). Gotta love good-guy Tom.


If Brady appeared at E3, the possibilities would be endless. He could stand onstage and toss freebie Madden gear to the crowd, facilitate raffles for copies of the GOAT edition of the game, and even chuck the pigskin from his perch, potentially targeting showgoers with a Nerf variety of what he’d normally use in-game. Honestly, assuming Tom doesn’t demand exhorbitantly high appearance fees, EA needs to get on this. What could go wrong?


Aksys Hosts an Actual Nonary Game


It’s not yet clear whether Zero Escape developer Spike Chunsoft is attending this year’s E3 (though its localization partner-in-crime Aksys Games is), but either way somebody needs to facilitate an actual Nonary Game to take place at the show. If you’re not aware, Nonary Games are essentially scenarios where nine people (though maybe at E3 we could boost the total to 99) are trapped in a confined area, be it a massive facility or an old ship, and forced to “seek a way out” and escape. Usually survival involves solving deadly riddles, escaping from rooms, ceasing to trust the people around you, and generally fighting for your life.


I’m aware that there’s already a Real Zero Escape game available right in Los Angeles, but I don’t go to E3 to LARP. I want the real thing. There are all sorts of creative ways it could come about too, such as suddenly flooding a demo room with harmless knockout gas to facilitate putting the contestants in place, or having a separate journalists-only game with high stakes and life-or-death trivia on industry knowledge and video game minutia. I’m not sure I’d survive, but ideally it would be revealed at the very last minute the whole thing was in fact not real. Still, it shouldn’t be known even a second sooner.


Sony Announces PS4 Will Last At Least 20 Years


Finally, I’d like for a major hardware player to make an announcement nobody is expecting, one that goes completely against common wisdom, precedent, or fashionable trends. Lately everyone (including myself) can’t stop talking about how console generations as we know them are dying. With the PS4 as the current reigning champ, there’s no way Sony actually wants generation eight to end, even if Nintendo has already fled to gen nine with Switch.


As such, Sony should stick it to the folks (again, like myself) haggling them about releasing PS5, and assert the polar opposite. The PS4’s lifecycle will be twenty full years, not a month shorter, and possibly longer. Shuhei Yoshida is a widely liked, often memefied guy, so he should probably be the one to make the announcement, at which point he can also announce that instead of a Switch competitor, Sony has purchased rights to the Wii U and will make PS4 compatible with the Wii U GamePad. It only makes sense, since Mr. Yoshida enjoys the system so much.


And with that, I will conclude this wishlist. Let’s hope at least one (or none) of these comes true.